Serenity in the Storm

The truth is always victorious over lies, therefore,I have no fear. Those who lie to feed their own bitterness lose in the end. Calmness and Truth. The.End.

Faith that Karma works in the End

I believe in God. I believe in Energy. I believe in Karma. I feel as if there are so many things in this life worth experiencing and so much responsibility that we must take on along with the life we live, that worrying about the smaller insignificant occurances are not worth a spot on my timeline. This may seem ignorant, arrogant, but take of it what you may. Life is too important to worry about the woes of those who are selfish or to worry about those whom are bitter about their own life and aim to hinder others. Karma plays out in the end, or better yet, the energy of this world plays out.

I haven't written in months, my best excuse being, I've been just way too busy. 2011 was an AMAZING year for me. Yes, it may have been one of the roughest financially,emotionally, and physically ( losing 40 pounds on the fact I had no money can definitely take its toll, haha ) but to be honest, in the end, it was amazing. And why you may ask? I put my faith that everything works out in the end.Along with the troubles I met an amazing group of people and have been blessed with certain opportunities in my two passions, music and teaching. I have taught myself how to navigate around an epic capital city, watched history ( whether I agreed with the actions or not ) unravel before my eyes, and still have those who mean the most to me in my life. My family has had its share of obstacle, but things are finally starting to look up.....coincidentally...just as the new year begins.

Life is a puzzle, no matter what is your strategy, whether you start by trying to form the outer edges or just focusing on the main picture....one will still get confused, try to fit the wrong pieces in certain spots, and may even lose some underneath of the couch for a week or two. In the end, you figure it out, you find those pieces, and realize what piece goes where. Not always, but in some way, it all works out. Thus being why I firmly believes everything pans out. Let those who hurt you rapidly leave your mind. They're not worth the time to worry. Situations that inevitable , if seen with patience and a calm mind, will be figured out in due time. Let the bitter be bitter. Enjoy life. Cry when you need to . Stress when its absolutely the only answer. But calm yourself down. If you have the right answer, path, it will work out.

What is your take on all of this? Is it all karma or coincidence?Faith or by chance? And what is response to those who hurt you? Is revenge better done as an action or to let things fade into the background sounds? Have your go at it :-)

...scrapbooks full of me in the background...

I've always helped others, given them courage, ideas, revised/rewritten assignments, even done other peoples work..and where did this all get me? Stuck. I'm not ignorant or dumb. I know if I had more motivation in other subjects I could have excelled , but I didn't. I've never been a very happy person ( which I know now is my fault for the most part ) so I wanted to pursue the one thing that has ever helped ME in life and did make me feel at ease, but as my biggest fear has settled in, that won't be possible. I failed. But what makes me bitter, I didn't fail in the manner I expected, but in a manner that was completely out of my hands.

Perhaps this is some unviersal power finally knocking me out at the end of the fight, telling me I should have listened years ago when I began it. I want to kick and scream like a toddler yelling IT'S NOT FAIR.

Why the sudden outburst? Despite a major realization occurring last night concerning my now mediocre future ( unless a miracle occurs,)I am currently, as always, helping someone with their work. Not any work, but a grad assignment. This person will be achieving his/her certifications/diploma rather soon....the same person who can't write a decent collegiate essay, one of which I am in the process of rewriting. This is my life. Watching everyone else in my life graduate, succeed, when I am most likely going to stay in this house and work in the area until I can make enough money to leave. But where? I can try as much as I can to improve on my horn but who is going to hire someone without a degree. Also, IF I can find a job in the teaching world via private schooling....I am never going to escape. Not that this is a bad thing, but I will be fulfilling my second fear in life...staying in Virginia..or worse...Tappahannock.

Thus is why I may be hiding for a while. I need to let my pride die with ease and let my brain function without other distractions. ...

...and within the next few days. I'm going to pray for a miracle.

The Superbowl

This isn't me ranting about how much I hate the superbowl. Yes, I don't support it and had a revelation today that this hatred may have stemmed from a deep down dislike for a person of my past and some childhood memories and I understand I have no right to judge others on their obsession for the sport.With that said...why must I be JUDGED for it? I dislike the superbowl yet every year I am forced to hear about it. Do I make you feel like an outcast if you don't watch the Tonys? Do I look at you in disgust if you don't understand the difference between Giovanni Punto and Barry Tuckwell?
We all have our fortes, out interests, yet if there is a an overwhelming interest in one activity the few that don't have interest in such activity are automatically out casted. Obviously thats the definition of outcast, but must we , in a sense, be persecuted? I can remember as a child sitting in the kitchen of my grandfathers house alone with my mother listening to the yelling and smelling the cigarette smoke coming from the living room. I felt horrible being separated from everyone else but didn't like all the cussing nor the amount of smoke.I eventually told myself that I was better than that and wanted nothing to do with the sport. I guess on days such as this I get into elitest mode because its my best form of defense. I am filled with such anger I have no other way to respond than what's floating in my brain therefore coming off as a complete , theres not other way to describe it, Bitch.

But WHY. Why must it have to consume everything, why must it become a cultural monopoly? Its not just the Superbowl, its the same in other cultures with different events. I just don't understand why there's a bubble created and no one can touch it.  I understand its suppose to unify people, create a day to hang out with your friends.....but....how can you enjoy yourself if you feel ignorant on the subject and those around you look down on it ? Thats where the arrogance in me sets in because yes, ignorance is your own doing, you're own flaw.....yet, football is a hobby to most and only part of American culture..none other...why must I be forced to educate myself in it if there is no substance?

This is all obviously based on perspective.I'm not saying you're idiotic for liking football...just don't look at me as a one eyed alien if I have no idea what you're talking about or am unhappy because I am some way forced to put up with it.

The Red Shoes

Before I start writing about the importance of all this to me I want to share a bit from an article. Some Film Trivia. I watched Black Swan tonight with Tim and Krystle and as the credits appeared on the screen it hit me....The Red Shoes all over. Being the nerdy movie kid I am...I ran to the computer to look up if others had the same perception as me...and this is what I found [theage.com. au : Dancing in the Red Shoes Shadows]

"It's impossible not to think of The Red Shoes when you watch Black Swan - it casts a long shadow over every film about the dance. Even Centre Stage, an entertaining teen movie about ambition, love and pirouettes, cheerfully references it in a performance finale, when the heroine suddenly takes to the stage in scarlet pointe shoes and matching ensemble.

The audacity and reach of The Red Shoes still seems astonishing. It's about ballet, but it's also about creativity in general - about characters who make extreme sacrifices for their art, who live and die for it. There is a dancer at the centre, but there are other creative figures too: Boris Lermontov (Anton Walbrook), the brilliant, manipulative director of a ballet company, and Julian Craster (Marius Goring), a gifted young composer.

Moira Shearer, who was an up-and-coming star with London's Sadler's Wells Ballet, was cast as Victoria Page, the aspiring dancer who eventually becomes the lead in the Lermontov company's new ballet, The Red Shoes, based on the Hans Christian Andersen story. (Although there is a Swan Lake connection: it's when she appears in it in a small-scale matinee performance that she really catches Lermontov's eye for the first time.)

Alongside the luminous red-haired Shearer, there were celebrated dancers in the cast: such as Robert Helpmann, Leonide Massine and Ludmilla Tcherina. And for the extraordinary, extended ballet sequence of The Red Shoes, an immersive and magical vision of a stage production, Powell and Pressburger drew on the talents of a range of their usual collaborators, such as cinematographer Jack Cardiff and production designer Hein Heckroth. The painful drama that animates Victoria's life - all that is symbolised by the desire for the red shoes - is mirrored in the world of the ballet. In Andersen's story, the shoes are a sexual symbol; in the film, they also seem to stand for the world of art."

Like most little girls I wanted to be a ballerina except not for thier tutus or cute outfits, but for how I felt the morning of December 26, 1990. It was 5 am and I was 4 years old, so eager to play with my new 4 story barbie doll house made from cardboard that I ventured from my bedroom alone to the den. It was then I witnessed The Nutcracker for the first time. PBS was always showing ballets early in the morning but most of the time my father would be with me so he'd change it. But I was alone. So I watched. For several minutes I was engulfed by what was on the tv, only moving my eyes to watch the dancers as they moved from side of the stage to the other, taking in the music and the emotion. I later got up and began dancing around, pretending ( am I'm going to emphasize on PRETENDING) to be  graceful and elegant....until I of course fell and went to sit by my doll house, embarrassed by my own clumsiness without an audience. From then on I secretly wanted to be a ballerina. I'd hint to my mother but since even ballet classes were still only for a "certain" type of child, I never joined. Then of course as I grew it was obvious my body was never going to be slender enough so I became realistic, yet still liked to pretend in my own time. Even in high school I'd be dancing around the living room at 3 am, pretending I was some beautiful ballerina. But always in the dark. Dreaming away in my own world, thats when I was introduced to The Red Shoes. 

It was my junior year of high school when I came across the classic. As usual it was extremely late at night and I was sitting alone in the den/other half of the house watching TCM. I was entranced. The idea of this young women becoming so obsessed with her passion that she destroys her life was extremely powerful. It was tragic, romantic, and brilliant. I was at the time visiting schools because I knew I was going to start auditions the next year, and this movie fueled the ambition. Despite its warning of a passion gone too far, it was so beautiful that I felt wrong if I didn't pursue my own passion. And there the seed was planted. I was going to become a musician...the underbelly of my hidden choice of becoming a teacher. That was when the connection of Ballet, the impossible dream, met with my motivation for music. It continued with  me watching the HORRRIBLE movie ( yet I will not deny loving) Center Stage winter break of my Freshman year and the Red Shoes again the summer after Sophomore year. Yet again, 3 in the morning..except this time crying, not knowing where I was going to go in life if music wasn't a part of it. 

December of 2009. The decision had already been made in my mind that I was going to move to Chile, even if I had to find my own way of doing so. I was starting to plan things accordingly, knowing that everything was going to change so in a dramatic, yet at the same time realistic, manner, I made sure certain things were carried out. The first to this? Seeing The Nutcracker performed by the Richmond Ballet with my family . Ever since I was 4 I had wanted to see it. We were either too poor or too busy, I eventually got to the point I stopped asking ( though my mother still tried for years after). Well this winter I was going to make sure we saw it, and like how I imagined, it was spectacular. It was so beautiful I had tears that I made sure to hide to avoid embarrassment. It was magnificent. It was the first of many time before May that I knew I had made the right decision, and I found it fitting that it was with the first performance that ever emotionally intrigued me. 

After watching Black Swan ( Which may I say is a true piece of art...not just a movie for the masses but ART) and making that connection with The Red Shoes, it makes me wonder if maybe thats why we're not suppose to have a passion for just one thing, or we'll get destroyed.  Too much of something and that want for perfection in it brings only bittersweet gratitude. I only say this because watching this movie reminded me of all the times I doubted myself since my memory connects ballet with my moments of insecurities. If you read several blogs down I wrote something very similar concerning motivation when I watched Julie Kent perform Giselle among other pieces. The world is constantly telling us we need to excel in one thing, we should have one love. Yet most of the time someone or a mass destroys that love with specifics. Lets take Art to start off with. A musician, painter, actor are all artists yet we are told as studying performers to choose one . Now take it a little more specifically, A musician is told chose their instrument and from there to label his or herself even more by choosing a genre. Classical musicians are made to feel as if they must leap into the classical library and listen to only instrumental music. Luckily it usually ends there, we aren't told to listen to JUST baroque or romantic (etc.). Yet, that stream of thought isn't for everyone. 

I enjoy knowing random knowledge of all art.I began reading Shakespeare when I was 7, Watching Bob Ross when I was 5, Reading a book about Vatican Art when I was 10,Taking Piano Lessons when I was 7, Singing Publicly when I was 9, Acting when I was 9, Obsessing over Beethoven when I was 6, Alanis Morrisette when I was 7, Judy Garland when I was 8.....and there is much much much more, but from the time I was 8 I knew what I wanted to be...an Artist. This doesn't mean I have to be trained in every subject, I just appreciate it, I will always have the yearning to learn more about the Arts. Though I have decided to chose the Universal Language...aka...Music..to be my primary guide in all this, I still have other interests. I'm that annoying person that knows the history of most movies, especially from the Golden Age of Film, and that girl that sing along to every song on 103.7. I see nothing wrong in this. 

Sometimes I feel as if we're pressured to choose just one extremely specific path, have one mind set.Just because I know what I want to do in life doesn't mean I have to steer away from other passions. May I point out I didnt say hobby? Hobbies are what you put on the back burner and take out on a rainy day. Passion is Passion. Something that intrigues you and lights that fire and reminds you why you're here in the first place.  Does anyone else feel this way? Or is there someone who thinks everything I'm saying is complete crap?

And all this...just because I watched a Brilliant movie that reminded me of The Red Shoes.....phew! 

Sweat pea what's all of this about?

As I sat in the den watching P.S I Love You with Todd, I looked over at him and thought " Nothing has changed." Since I've been home I've spent some time with friends.  Friends I thought we'd never be able to go pass the past,friends I've known since before the creation of this Kristol began, and the friends I can't imagine allowing one day to pass by without speaking to them. Not one single beat has been skipped. It's a comforting feeling. No matter which friend it was, I was able to walk up to them, exchange hugs, and conversation would start as if I had just seen them the day before. No awkwardness. No butterflies. No insecurities. Just pure friendship. 

Is this a sign of me growing up? I had some other personal things occur that made me realize....friendship is all I need in life. It's such an amazing feeling. Knowing there's no ulterior motive. I'm liking this. 

Tomorrow, of course, I get to see the Jimmy James crew ( I've already semi molested Kelly outside of The Village...which of course is typical in our friendship, haha) and I'm beyond ecstatic. I'm about to make my Bangin Broadway Brownies after I've given myself alone time with Pandora( oh how I have missed thee..) and Vacuumed the second floor. 

This upcoming weekend I get to see an old friend I haven't seen in maybe 10 years. That'll be awesome. Keeping it a surprise for a bit to see how mamma and daddy are gonna react. It just starts out the new year on such an epic level. Makes me really look forward to 2011. And I still have to see O.C. Leave it to me to leave one of the best for last. I guess since I started the friendship train with Tim and Krystle and then just went from there, I started with a bang and might as well end it with another one.  Words can't explain how calming this all is, to have such a revelation about friendship. I was having such a rocky time when I left, but to return to tranquil encounters, makes me smile from within. Of course I don't want to jinx it, so I'll keep it simple. I'm just happy. 

Another thing I'm excited about? Driving alone. I think that's my favorite past time. On the ride back from Richmond the other day I blasted Katy Perry's Teenage Dream and sang at the top of my lungs. Despite the fact I'm gonna be judged hardcore about the song choice, it was very liberating. Windows down and singing, knowing no one in the world could hear me .

Life is just nice. Right now some Etta James is blasting through my ear phones, At Last of course, and I'm just swaying. oooo and now Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson. I may not have the guy aspect, which I know I've been complaining about for ages, but at the moment, I'm fine with this. I think I'm to the point perhaps I want to be in something more serious when it comes around, but...I'm not rushing it. I'm enjoying being on the same continent of the people I truly love. Simple. Two months are going to go by fast, so I need to soak in as much as  I can. I ready for the shenanigans :-)

A Controversial Topic

*Disclaimer: I belong to no political party, I'm fairly liberal in many ways but there are few topics that I've been seen to be more on the conservative side due to personal experiences *

I'm American. Don't tell me that's politically incorrect because I have a good explanation why I'm an American. If I was to say that I'm a "United States-ian" or however the argument may be, it the same as saying...you're a Chian,Engish,Ish...it's not the full name of my country. But I live in Chile and love it. Mostly because Political Incorrectness is the blunt of a joke and everyone just laughs.UNLESS there is a serious issue. Which coincidentally they are going through a similar situation as the U.S. So here starts the Preaching:

As a foreigner to the country I don't disrespect the people, I don't take advantage of their economy, I assimilate. I'm talking in a big picture view. I listen to politics but seeing that I am on a Visa  and am only a spectator, I don't speak my mind.I don't have that right and I'm ok with this.

Why am I bringing all this up? My views on the Illegal Immigrant issue.  My mother is an AMERICAN. When I was 9 years old she received her citizenship. My Aunt and Mother studied and prepared themselves for the Citizenship Exam. Both passed. My mother's process didn't start there,to even enter the country as a visitor she had to apply for a Visa. This task in the 80's was  very hard to achieve amongst the U.S and Chile. She fought her way through the paperwork, literally, standing in the Consoler's office until she was granted her Visa.  No, my mother didn't go to the U.S to leave a horrid lifestyle behind. She was just visiting, and on her third trip, met my father, RESIGNED from the Chilean Airforce, and got married. The more I think about it her life actually may have been better in a sense if she had stayed here (Chile). Why?hmmm...I can't put this simply but it's the basis to my argument. So stick with me.

I don't support the rights of Illegal Immigrants. Neither does my mother.And SURPRISE, we're not part of some redneck agenda to " get our jobs back." I do sympathize and don't agree fully with everything going on. I don't feel children should be denied a higher education just because their parents brought them to the U.S illegally, nor do I think a Dean of a major university, a man who has obviously overcome adversity, should resign from his position because he's illegal. That may sound elitist but I don't feel like explaining that argument ..either this blog would be longer than what it already will be. What I do agree with? Something is actually starting to be done. The unfortunate part? It's too late, thus the drastic measures.

My reasons and what angers me about this situation:

1)I've heard with my own ears the disrespect. I'm not saying everyone should be patriotic because I'm not one to wave around the flag and yell HEW HAW! Praise the U.S.A ,  but I'm sorry....If you're sitting there talking about how stupid the country you're stealing money from is because they haven't done anything about it....then ethically why be here? Of course ethics aren't involved. Or better yet...when they finally start trying to fix it...why have the audacity to complain? Didn't you just admit the government was stupid for letting this happen?

2)A majority of illegal immigrants don't want to be educated about our "culture" ( I know it can be debated that we don't have a culture...because really we don't...but we have a way of living). Every other country in this world sticks to what they are.I don't expect my licence to have the same purpose here. I don't criticize their way of living. I point out the differences, but you don't see me running to make my surroundings American-like. I'm learning spanish, my professor learned spanish. I don't walk into a room an expect there to be someone to translate for me. My mother took her DMV test in ENGLISH. She took her nationality test in ENGLISH. I'm not being egotistic. I'm living in a Spanish country...so what am I learning? SPANISH. Period.

3)What about the rights of legal immigrants that are violated every day? Do you hear about them ? Are people defending them? My mother's fallen victim to it. She's been "asked to leave" a job due to her accent. She was the top employee, yet she was made to sign a letter stating that she was" leaving to pursue other employment opportunities within the system". Which I will never fully agree with yet I understand my mother's fear of being blacklisted. Where are the people fighting for her? And it's not just Hispanics. ALL ETHNIC CITIZENS who pay taxes and suffer to make a living are being denied jobs and assistance due to their accent or other forms of descrimination. Where are these activists to defend them? Nowhere.All because they're a citizen, not a poor illegal immigrant that "doesn't know any better" ( Which if you ask me is a statement highly offensive within itself.)

Which brings me to 4. This isn't all about jobs, it's about the economy in general.My parents are struggling.As I know many are. Trying to find 2-3 jobs just so they can get their medication. For those of you who don't know, both of my parents are diabetic. This is the biggest reason where I say that in a way, my mother's life could have possibly been better if she had never moved to the U.S. It's bad.  They have different types of Diabetes and both are being hit hard by it, especially my mother. But there are times we can't afford insulin or a needed surgery. My mother puts 4 doses per day of insulin, high dosages at that, yet there are times she can't afford it. This has become a common problem in households with this downward spiraling economy, but I have seen my mother suffer through this my entire life. Perhaps this being the main reason I can't bring myself to support the Illegal Immigrant Rights Movement.

She fights. She fights to keep a job. She fights to find a job. She fights to make money for life necessities, yet since she is a citizen, and not illegal, she gets no help. There is no one fighting at her side. There are so many people pointing fingers and saying that our government is being unfair toward illegal immigrants. But what about your fellow citizen? There's an entire Middle Class that suffers because they make "too much" money to be helped yet barely enough to survive. Immigrants are part of this class as well but because they've gone by the laws and rules of the government,  they have to suffer more. They must deal with adversity AND a crumbling economy. It angers me that people would rather help those who are in the U.S illegally before they help their own brother.

I find it funny. Most of the time these are the same people preaching that the U.S needs to start fixing things on its own soil before trying to fix the world. ( Which I agree with) But practice what you preach. Start from the inside and go from there. Not focus on the outer layers and completely  disregard, or worse be biased toward, the inner core.

That is my partial argument. There are concepts within the argument that could also be explained in further detail but I don't feel like being lynched with too big of stones.