It's hard to put things out there. Every time I put some depressing status, minutes later, or the next day I delete it. I feel stupid for ever showing that "weakness." The emotional side of me. I beat myself over how stupid I must look to others who read it. This blog is about taking that step to growing up, correct? So here's another piece of my heart:
There are girls out there that get that attention. They will always have at least one guy swooning over them no matter what, a shoulder for them to always cry on. But what about the girls who will never have that guy. The ones who have to deal with heartache and embarrassment alone. Every time.
Nothing truly big has happened in my life concerning the boy factor, which may be the basis of why there are lumps growing in my throat as I type. I turn 24 on Sunday. Christmas soon after. I'll get those dreaded questions " Do you have a boyfriend yet? Who's heart are you breaking? Of course you have some boys to tell us about " Actually..sorry...but it's the same answer as every year since I've hit puberty and you've decided I'd obviously have guys chasing me...NO. In fact...I'm the chaser. I'm the one being heart broken constantly,and it's getting tiring.
I take my risks, that leap, I just always land flat on my face. It can be as simple as attempting a conversation with someone....I'm just someone no one's interested in. I guess you could say "One Day" I'll get my chance, but what do you do when you've been hearing that for over 10 years and nothing has changed? Think about it, ten years. A decade. A decade waiting for a guy to ask me out on a date, or even hold my hand.
In Kate Nash's Nicest Thing she says " I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset."Thats all people want in life, that support. That someone who's little bit more special of a friend to tell you not to worry. Then again this is the only thing that ever upset me now. So that would be pointless, right? Instead I turn to no one now. I used to run to friends when I felt this way. I'd whine about how lonely I am ...blah blah blah...blabber blabber...but what scares me now is that when I have the urge, I think, "Why? Why would they care?" And it's not their fault, I just don't see the point of screaming "woe is me" every 3 months. What good is that to either party? It's become routine.
Perhaps it's partially due to me being emotionless. I thought of this today while on the bus. What happens to the emotionless people of this world. I'm not saying I don't have emotion, obviously I do, but I rarely show it. If you know me, If you're a friend or an acquaintance, think about it.With the exception of the last semester I was at VCU, have you ever seen me cry? I've cried at 2 funerals in my life, my cousin's and my Grandfathers. The others...I ran to a place I could be alone and just burst. I think I've only cried twice in front of Krystle. I've cried perhaps on the phone once. And she's my best friend. When I say cry, I don't mean the kind that happens when watching a movie, or I'm in a room full of brothers crying. I'm talking about deep down hurt. I don't let people see it.
If I don't show that raw natural hurt, what else don't I show? I always thought that maybe I just thought too much about my actions. Should I say hi to him? I should I write on his wall ( face it...we're living in a facbook state of mind)? Should I look at him? All silly elementary things to most, but to me, a big deal. I always figured it was my anxiety, my fear that I'll look stupid, but why? Thats when the thought process on the bus clicked, I'm afraid to show my emotions. My mother has always argued with me about the fact I don't show my feelings. I don't understand the need to throw around sentimental words to let people know how much they mean to me. If I'm like that with family members, if I cant open myself up to them, who else don't I let myself open up to.
I know this is sounding more of Lifetime Movie Special, but I'm not talking about taking risks. To be honest I have no clue what I'm talking about. I just know it's not the risk taking aspect seeing that I do take them. Despite being terrified of saying hello, I still do it. The part that hurts, there's never a response. Don't take that literally. I don't keep writing a guy if he never says hi...I'm not THAT stupid. It's just aggravating. When I was little I saw myself in a different place than where I am now. Even when I was 15, I figured I'd be somewhere else.
I wasn't suppose to be single at 24. It would be different if I had an ex, or had been on some failed dates I guess. But I'm still the same bench warmer( well...maybe more of up to bat now) that I've always been. To make it worse? I've even failed while in a different country. COME'ON! Am I just a global failure in the guy department? I'm going to just say yes. Close my laptop. Go to sleep. and in 17 days will be in the U.S.Only to continue this lack of admiration for 2 1/2 months til I'm back in Chile. And the cycle will start over. The End.
What can you do with a sentimental heart?
But there's alway hope.
I admire you.
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