..The Space Between...

There are moments I want to be in High School again.Not so much for the"happy memories" but for the fact things were just so different. I didn't have many friends, I was an over achiever...yet...life was just easier. Yes I was very angst-y  We all were. And I had my share of tragedy, but there are these moments that I yearn to be sitting in front of the hp pc in the living room listening to Oasis and writing in my xanga. Every now and then I'll go into my 90s alternative mode which leaps me back into high school.No, I didn't go to high school in the 90s, but lord knows that was my music of choice alongside maroon 5 and john mayer. 

I hear Gin Blossoms and think of rocking out in the Shop Room with Brittney Novitch before Odyssey of the Mind.I hear Better than Ezra and remember analyzing their awesomeness with Em. I think of springtime in the parking lot, talking with  Em and Candice til 8 pm...and my mother calling me frantic to make sure I was alive. I can even go so far back as to feel the exact emotions I had at the bowling alley while listening to hootie and the blowfish,or on my way to sewing classes. I miss those moments.

Despite the fact my life got significantly better after high school, thus my lack of "hometown" on my facebook page, I can't deny that those good moments were memories that'll stay with me forever. That'll bring a smile to my face...or at times a tear..when I think about how much things have changed.  Sometimes I'm scared I'm going to always dwell on these moments forever and yearn for that simpleness again for all my life. 

I remember my junior year of High School Mrs.Thompson made us keep a journal, which she would read and comment on. One particular entry always stayed in my mind. I wrote about how I've lost the magic of Christmas. I still felt the meaning,but I had lost that childhood perspective. I was longing for that feeling of not being able to sleep all night and plotting with Melanie on when we're gonna wake up Mamma and Daddy,the difference between 3 am and 6 am. Mrs Thompson simply put," Don't lose faith Kristol, It'll all come back when you have a family of your own one day ."

But what happens in that middle part? The feelings of simpler days, the "magic" in things , and then when you start a family?What do you do with that confusion?And what if that family never comes? Are you left to watch your own family drift away until you're ultimately left alone? 

About a year or two ago I began having mini panic attacks, Terrified I was going to get bad news, that something had happen to my family. When these attacks occur I quickly try to tell myself to stop being so negative.Everything is in God's hands, it'll be ok. But then things do happen,and I don't know what to do, all I can do is pray. Each year they start piling up.Its as if every year I come home there is the major possibility that there will be one less person in my life. Being so far away, I'm useless.Disconnected.I start to wonder, is it worth being so selfish? Is it worth wanting to make a path for my life rather than live the simple one laid out in front of me?

I'm not going to change my mind.I've been confused before and it left me in a dark place. I've been depressed once for this fight, nothing's going to take this away from me now.I'm stubborn.But it scares me what toll it may take on me.