A thought on friendship

I've been having this need to write but have started and restarted this post at least 5 times. All different ideas and thoughts. I guess this one is going to have to be one of those lapse in judgements as I call it. I've always gotten in trouble when I've let my emotions take over my actions leading me to call those moments a lapse of judgement. But maybe I need to just write aimlessly to get this blog going.Lately I've had this one memory play over and over like some scene out of a movie and it scrambles things. This memory confuses the hell out of me because as much as I want to view it as a happy one and just go on my merry way the more the days pass the more I start feeling it was a lie.An action that occurred because the other person involved felt it was what I wanted, not what they wanted.

With that said it reminds me why I was a certain way for so long and now that I've relocated have gotten back into that old routine. Some people live at peace alone.College is suppose to be a time where you grow into your self and discover who you really are, for me it just made me realize I needed to appreciate the way I am instead of fight it. I've been fighting myself since about 12, trying desperately to be accepted in a social world when in reality I'm not a social person. I came to find out that I COULD be part of that crowd, but what did it really bring me? The over all idea is rather close to negative, but when looked at the positive side it gave me a small group of a unique genre of friends....

I'm starting to slowly see exactly which friends are worth keeping from this era, what kind of people I want to be associated with, and just given up on trying to figure out why I still force someone to be in my life (still a part I need to learn concerning a very flawed part of my mind but tis a thought process for another day). I'm just interested to see who out of this group will stick with me. I think I've already found out my handful and am not surprised, they're the people I trusted all along.

They've been added to the handful from my past, those friends that despite how many months pass we still enjoy each other's company and they deserve to be named....whether it be simply poking one another on facebook( mia), replacing caribou hunting with bagel noming (O.C), random crazy outings ( Brandt & Candice) , or simply going to the movies once a yea ignoring the fact I'm wearing a VCU hoodie and she's sporting ODU ( Andrea)

I did though start to ponder on what a VCU friend is. As odd as this sounds I categorize my friends. Tappahannock,kkpsi,4H, and VCU.

My Tappahannock friends are very limited, but they contain my past. These are people who knew a part of me I dont discuss much and for them to last this long means someting.

Kkpsi friends are those from other chapters that for some reason under the title of brotherhood we've decided to connect with. Whether it be getting a random message stating they had seen my picture in the newspaper while on the metro and then SAVING IT FOR ME ( hehe) or confessing our undying love for broadway and gLee via fb, haha, it's a nice thought knowing that there is someone else you can always turn to whether you really ever in thier lives or not.

The 4H friend is in it til the end. I began thinking about this idea actually last night while talking to Marta. 4H is a side of me no one else will ever know, its this hidden confidence and adventurer I release, and I think what makes it so worthwhile is that once you become a teen volunteer these experiences aren't really based around you, it'd based around how you make the kids feel. For that I think is why the 4H is so important in my life. I still listen to the CD Heather made me, I will ALWAYS run to Mia when I've reached a low that I only feel comfortable talking to her about, Steph/O.C shall forever be my twin and we'll get each other through the obstacles that take away our glow,Meghan will be that nice smile when I need it most, I'll always want to see what greatness Kelly will produce while she continues to surprise me, Derby will always know how to make me smile,and Marta will always be that sensible ear, that person that shows me a more down to earth realistic point of view. By what it seems I may have to write a blog all about 4H....but what I'm trying to get at... these are the ultimate example that you dont need to be the primary thought to be a true friend.

But what is a VCU friend? Every morning Tim writes me with a "good morning". I have neverending conversations with Yvonne that consist of day-long responses. Krystle and I will speak via webcam at least every other day. Todd and I have short conversations between naps. I could continue naming people off ( well..a few more, haha) but these are people I talk to on practically a daily basis. It's almost as if a part of me has to have them in my life. There is never that awkward moment of ...hmm..wait...there's nothing else we can talk about. If there's silence...we just don't acknowledge it and just keep the conversation going once something interesting pops in our heads.

These are the people that for the moment I want to still be part my daily life, now who knows what the future holds.I'm excited to see how this new genre turns out and am ok with not creating any more.

To make this an actual blog I guess I'll ask a question to whoever reads this, feel free to comment.What categories have you put your friends into? Is there a difference amongst them? And which do you feel has lasted the longest?

The naming of a blog

I've had many blogs among the years.. " the Diary of a Dreamer"b. 2002 d. 2005 "Mis Poemas"b. 2005( currently a vegetable) "Trying to Defy Gravity" b.2006- currently in hiding and only speaking to the one trusted person in its life... an anonymous xanga blog b.2009....and of course various myspace posts set to private from back in the day.

So I'm no noobie to the idea of blogging, but for once I'm ready to go public. Perhaps its the sudden fame of the blog. The fact that many of my friends have decided to enlighten the world with their thoughts and the inner 16 yr old is wanting to be accepted by the cools kids.Perhaps I'm just desperate to jump onto this bandwagon too. Or maybe I'm just ready. I messaged someone of some importance when concerning their opinion about what they disliked about me. The culprit? Insecurity, they nailed it on the head. We all have had our self esteem punched in the stomach but shouldn't there be a point one gets over it?My current attempt to resolve this...putting things out into the open ( well....most things )

Now to explain how this ties into the naming of this blog and the confidence i'm attempting. Last night I had a very heart to heart conversation with a fellow blogger and the one person ( other than my mother) that I trust. We've gone through a lot in the past years and I admitted that I have always categorized her, another close friend of mine, and myself in this weird similar progression. Of course I'm not a person that explains things well, and most likely at least one reader ( if there are any) is rather confused by what I mean. To be put simply...three friends living similar experiences and progressing by maturing at a similar rate( that part being under speculation of course, haha). This heart to heart just proved the concept that had been running through my head for the past couple of weeks.....We're growing up.

Both friends came to me at different times on the same day to discuss the dreaded idea of commitment. I unfortunately have no reason to be afraid since there is no one in my life to be committed to, but this still triggered a feeling I knew all too well. It triggered this sense of an era dying. I stated this once before, when I was about to turn 20 and there's a whole boring back story, but in all reality that was just a stepping stone. But its the idea that you're living amongst a change. Everything around you is either disappearing or being revealed for what it really is. Both friends have known me since the first dying of an era, we've had our ups and downs with both relationships and ourselves, but have we finally reached that point of learning from it? That moment when things click and we can see ourselves reliving situations and just making a hopefully smarter decision? Or what we all fear...are we getting to that point where one realizes that things are getting closer to permanency?

Kate Nash has a song called Skeleton Song. People can say different things as to what it's true meaning is, but to me I see it as song dealing with the struggle of growing up. By Psychological definition adolescence ends around 25, so doesn't it make sense that this struggle ( as indicated by the lyrics and my own personal experience) starts around 22? This is what I will try to write about. The way I currently see the world during this odd time period. See if I can actually say goodbye to my skeleton friend.