Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on...

Every time I hear this song I cry. If you've ever been part of Jamestown 4H you would know exactly how much that song means to me. That feeling you get at closing campfire...when staff comes together after initiating all the new campers into order of the Clover, link arms, and just sing. This memory hurts me most now because I know I wont feel that again.

Jamestown was my home.After spending about 12 years there it was the one place I could be Kristol, and I didn't fully realize that until today. It's someone that I don't know how to bring out outside of that atmosphere but I treasure the friends and experiences that she has made. My first summer as staff was a huge obstacle, but O.C and I made it worthwhile by reminding eachother why we were there, the kids. We began singing the "linger" song every Thursday night at campfire in hopes that the message of family and friendships would be transfered to the kids.

Mmm, I wanna linger

Mmm, a little longer

Mmm, a little longer here with you

Mmm, it’s such a lovely night

Mmm, it doesn't seem quite right

Mmm, that this should be my last with you

Mmm, and come September

Mmm, I will remember

Mmm, our camping days and friendships true

Mmm, and as the years go by

Mmm, I'll think of you and sigh

Mmm, This is good night and not good bye

The friendships you build at camp are different than any other. You are forced to be put into this pile of diverse people as a child and somehow, you find some of the best friends out of it. When I was in high school and felt as if I had no one to talk to I had Heather and Mia.Those angsty years when I felt everything was WWIII all I needed was to turn on AIM. Mia and I had those interesting camp memories that all teens should experience ( with the exception of a Lodge 5 haunting, of course :-X hahaha) . She's heard it all from me, we know how it is to be viewed a certain way and not know how to escape it.........Friends are the ducktape to a broken heart. (yyyeeess... We came up with that alllll by ourselves several years ago )

But what about once you become staff? Being a 4H staff member is honestly a blessing,a privilege. You gain SO much from just one summer, and to be honored for 3 years, such a remarkable feeling. You live a life of no judgement other than to prove to the kids that its ok to be comfortable to be yourself. At the beginning of last summer's state staff several people confronted me wondering if I was ok, which made me REALLY realize how different Broadway is to Kristol, so I simply stated I wasn't in Broadway mode yet. As pictures start popping up about this summer it's is starting to really tear at me. I wont be coming back therefore never coming in contact with Broadway again. I'll never get the chance to be that jai-ho dancing, 80's song singing,TONY winning role model again, but I at least made some long lasting companions out of it.

You live with these people for an entire summer of insanity but its those days after camp that make you realize how much they mean to you. During a rough freshmen year O.C would kidnap me and we'd go caribou hunting at short pump. As we grew up this led to to sophisticated brunching in the Bottom to eventually bagel nomming at Panera with the mammas :-) . We went from knowing we were what every guy was missing out on, heartache, and after reaching our lows now knowing that we can only live with hope as we both start our new chapters in our lives on a clean slate.Filling in her shoes as a roommate was a very tough spot because we were clandestined twins...but..ah, yes, Marta became the sensible voice I needed. Who else would rescue legendary room 4 from a gigantic BUG OF TERROR than WuNBA? Haha or how about our love for hellogoodbye and kate nash? We're the international duo. We can cover good little blip of the World Cup :-) but our friendship wouldnt be complete if it wasnt for our baby Derby. Talk about a person who can make me laugh when I'm down to my wits end. We can stay up ALL NIGHT LONG...though if you ask us..we probably wouldn't recommend it. haha. And then...there was...Goose.I will miss us seducing one another in the PAC...a VCU theater and Music kid?!? GASP!?!? There are so many times she makes me proud and just surprises me with what she can accomplish.

Well I guess that's enough for confessing my love for my 4Hers, but to sum it up, 4H is one of the reasons I'm doing this now. Jimmy James gave me 12 yrs ( unfortunately wished it could've been 14, but those summer taught me things as well) to build the strength I need now. I have that backbone and know that no matter what, as Goose tells it to the campers so well,we'll always be a family.

A thought on friendship

I've been having this need to write but have started and restarted this post at least 5 times. All different ideas and thoughts. I guess this one is going to have to be one of those lapse in judgements as I call it. I've always gotten in trouble when I've let my emotions take over my actions leading me to call those moments a lapse of judgement. But maybe I need to just write aimlessly to get this blog going.Lately I've had this one memory play over and over like some scene out of a movie and it scrambles things. This memory confuses the hell out of me because as much as I want to view it as a happy one and just go on my merry way the more the days pass the more I start feeling it was a lie.An action that occurred because the other person involved felt it was what I wanted, not what they wanted.

With that said it reminds me why I was a certain way for so long and now that I've relocated have gotten back into that old routine. Some people live at peace alone.College is suppose to be a time where you grow into your self and discover who you really are, for me it just made me realize I needed to appreciate the way I am instead of fight it. I've been fighting myself since about 12, trying desperately to be accepted in a social world when in reality I'm not a social person. I came to find out that I COULD be part of that crowd, but what did it really bring me? The over all idea is rather close to negative, but when looked at the positive side it gave me a small group of a unique genre of friends....

I'm starting to slowly see exactly which friends are worth keeping from this era, what kind of people I want to be associated with, and just given up on trying to figure out why I still force someone to be in my life (still a part I need to learn concerning a very flawed part of my mind but tis a thought process for another day). I'm just interested to see who out of this group will stick with me. I think I've already found out my handful and am not surprised, they're the people I trusted all along.

They've been added to the handful from my past, those friends that despite how many months pass we still enjoy each other's company and they deserve to be named....whether it be simply poking one another on facebook( mia), replacing caribou hunting with bagel noming (O.C), random crazy outings ( Brandt & Candice) , or simply going to the movies once a yea ignoring the fact I'm wearing a VCU hoodie and she's sporting ODU ( Andrea)

I did though start to ponder on what a VCU friend is. As odd as this sounds I categorize my friends. Tappahannock,kkpsi,4H, and VCU.

My Tappahannock friends are very limited, but they contain my past. These are people who knew a part of me I dont discuss much and for them to last this long means someting.

Kkpsi friends are those from other chapters that for some reason under the title of brotherhood we've decided to connect with. Whether it be getting a random message stating they had seen my picture in the newspaper while on the metro and then SAVING IT FOR ME ( hehe) or confessing our undying love for broadway and gLee via fb, haha, it's a nice thought knowing that there is someone else you can always turn to whether you really ever in thier lives or not.

The 4H friend is in it til the end. I began thinking about this idea actually last night while talking to Marta. 4H is a side of me no one else will ever know, its this hidden confidence and adventurer I release, and I think what makes it so worthwhile is that once you become a teen volunteer these experiences aren't really based around you, it'd based around how you make the kids feel. For that I think is why the 4H is so important in my life. I still listen to the CD Heather made me, I will ALWAYS run to Mia when I've reached a low that I only feel comfortable talking to her about, Steph/O.C shall forever be my twin and we'll get each other through the obstacles that take away our glow,Meghan will be that nice smile when I need it most, I'll always want to see what greatness Kelly will produce while she continues to surprise me, Derby will always know how to make me smile,and Marta will always be that sensible ear, that person that shows me a more down to earth realistic point of view. By what it seems I may have to write a blog all about 4H....but what I'm trying to get at... these are the ultimate example that you dont need to be the primary thought to be a true friend.

But what is a VCU friend? Every morning Tim writes me with a "good morning". I have neverending conversations with Yvonne that consist of day-long responses. Krystle and I will speak via webcam at least every other day. Todd and I have short conversations between naps. I could continue naming people off ( well..a few more, haha) but these are people I talk to on practically a daily basis. It's almost as if a part of me has to have them in my life. There is never that awkward moment of ...hmm..wait...there's nothing else we can talk about. If there's silence...we just don't acknowledge it and just keep the conversation going once something interesting pops in our heads.

These are the people that for the moment I want to still be part my daily life, now who knows what the future holds.I'm excited to see how this new genre turns out and am ok with not creating any more.

To make this an actual blog I guess I'll ask a question to whoever reads this, feel free to comment.What categories have you put your friends into? Is there a difference amongst them? And which do you feel has lasted the longest?