Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as living in Peace. At least in my life, I'm going to assume in many others as well. I haven't written anything profound in a while because I have been in "peace". My definitions of this being that I haven't had any drama in life getting my brain going, or anything very interesting. When I began writing this blog there was a lot of turmoil in my life, luckily I got rid of the factors in some sense...made some bad decisions for a while, though it was entertaining..and now am at some standstill..waiting for something to happen.In these moments I let my mind wander off, either into amusing daydreaming or reopening past wounds. I'm pretty sure this all depends on the day, whether it's sunny or gloomy.Today was awful, dark, frigid...and so I turn to old wounds.
I'm not going to turn this into some xanga post about how "I'm drowning" ( haha...I used to love being melodramatic...) but more along the lines ( maybe...because I'm actually just writing to write,) of if we really want peace in our lives, are we capable of it? I don't have drama. I'm luckily out of Richmond..because whether I love it or not...it's a cest pool for backstabbing, gossip, and judgement.But would Santiago be the same if I had gotten here at 18? Entering a new world at a different stage in life has its benefits. I don't have this longing to be accepted, I don't feel the need to make friends, yet am glad I have been making them, but I no longer feel the need to search. With this I'm worrying more about myself. I've somehow lost 24 pounds, am exercising( which always bring my attitude up several notches), and am actually developing aural music skills..I've semi amazed myself with the small steps I've made...concepts I couldn't grasp the first go 'round. But then why have these moments? If I can see the crescendo in my life why keep remembering meaningless feelings, or better yet, start the process all over?
Why do I fall so easily into old habit that I know don't work for me? Why lose all skill to speak when nervous? Why not grow some balls and be the 23 year old I should be.....these issues piled on top of old regrets and feelings , cause an immense frustration. Selfish and immature anguish, as if I'm still 18 and screaming because I WANT to be the one asked out on a date. My frustrations aren't completely about the fact I want a real date( boyfriend, straight male "friend"..so on, haha ) it's more about me STILL not having one. I have friends getting married, there are girls I've graduated with that have a full out family, and I'm still stuck waiting around for some kid to ask me out for coffee? You can blame it all you want on my flaws...but....that still doesn't explain things. I've seen people with the same flaws as my self walking down the street holding hands with someone else...so you can't say it's because of my insecurity, or my looks, or my lack of personality....because there's suppose to be someone for everyone, right?
Not really sure what I'm getting at here, more of a rant than blog. But it just makes me wonder. When everything is aligned, something always stands in the way of peace. Is there such a thing of having it all? Or must we choose? If that's the case then I guess I've chosen my education over love...but does this mean I'll end up a spinster? Just some things running through my mind on a cloudy day...it's suppose to rain tomorrow...oh joy...
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