...I'll just read a book instead.....

Everyone has that artist that they connect with. Some a little more than others... but whether it be punk,r&b,indie, jazz, classical....a novelist,poet,artist....there is someone we enjoy going back to when we need a little pick me up or inner strengthening.

My relationship with kate nash started in Spring of 08 when I stumbled upon " nicest things". Last summer , after ripping the "Made of Bricks" album from Marta, I began to REALLY use her as a reminder that I wasn't ( as cliche as that is) "the only one". And now after listening to her lastest album I've starting to realize that she fits my story line/lifestyle perfectly.

Mariella

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sIDKWskyAY&feature=related

...Me...past and present :-) I feel as if it's my version of "Girl Anachronism" by the Dresden Dolls..The Mariella description is what gets to me.When I first heard this song I couldn't believe that I was listening to the thoughts of 7 year old me. Many people have this misconception that quiet kids are sweet and conforming. I love how this shows that its not always that. Deep down some of us are born to rebel. At young age we dont like what we see and want to prove a point by not being like "the other girls." But then , as we get older we get tired of just keeping our thoughts in...thus becoming obsessively opinionated. We have this desire to be understood for our actions...but then we realize that we've gone overboard...and wants to be the little girl that doesnt speak.....

We get on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7q4qj_M07w&feature=related

Nicest Thing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQHJuSZTjkE&feature=related

Pumpkin Soup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH2yvdGM7YA&feature=related

Do Wah Do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqV-embx_tA

Kiss That Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erW-scsd7Fk&feature=channel

Merry Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Zdi2IF5ezw&feature=related

Skeleton Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uWnkJof6Z0&feature=related

Mouthwash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW6EP3-Q-DA&feature=related

And, this, is my brain

It's torturous analytical thoughts

Make me go insane

I know I ask questions at the end of each post but it's because I'm a rather curious person. They can be taken rhetorically or you can share....But what artist can you relate with the most?

When silence falls you'll be the song within my heart...

This topic has been lingering around for several weeks now. After reading Candace's recent post and talking to her about her experience I realized that it was time for me to show in writing to " the world" yet again a part of me not many people know. I don't know why, but I'll always be this person with several hidden doors and here I go opening one to show to you what's behind it. Once again, I'm trying this whole confidence thing because I know the issue of Christianity/religion several people very close to me don't accept, and they have that right :-)

About two weeks ago I had a rather deep conversation concerning worship and faith. I know how it is to feel as if you've strayed, it's a part of life. We're taught, what I feel is a misconception, since we're little that to be a Christian you MUST go to church. I learned at a young age that just because you dont go to church doesnt mean God just walks away.Now, to be honest, he may disappear for a while and supervise what's going on, but that's how we learn. He gave us free will, therefore why wouldnt we be able to use it, correct? Well, I'm not going to go into why I think this, but I will tell you my form of worship and keeping faith.

Everyone's given a gift, a purpose, and it's up to us to figure out what that is. It can be as minimal as changing one life. I DON'T mean conversion, I don't believe ANYONE should feel forced into adapting your belief. Religion was put on this earth by either man or a greater force ( depending on your ideals) to give us hope and security when you cant find answers. I just so choose to be Christian and in a way I always felt I was suppose to help people whether through giving them courage or just simply listening. I feel everyone deserves to be listened to in troubling times, even those who have hurt me. People can always surprise you.

Another trait I use for worship is ultimately what helps me keep my faith and that will always be singing. Music no doubt plays an important part in my life but through me singing solos. "Over the Rainbow" will forever be my being, the song that's wrapped around my heart and will get me through any possible time in my life. I'll always be that little girl desperately wanting to find the other side of the rainbow , wanting something better ....KNOWING there is something better. But a lot has changed since I was 9 and the songs I sing have become more and more important to me as a person .I began using my solos as a way to sing my prayers and/or thanks. I guess what the songs are meant for, but I began really searching for songs that meant something to me.

Only Hope was the first to start this trend. It made me realize that despite my dreams crumbling around me , them feeling so far out of reach,that they were still there. I sang this May of 2007, days just after being kicked out of the music department. I remember the night before standing in the kitchen rehearsing in front of my mother and almost not being able to finish the song. " When it feels like my dreams are so far sing to me the plans you have for me in your hand." There are times that we will experience where giving up is the best option because its the easiest. This song gave me the strength I needed at that moment to know that one day I'd prevail. I'm currently attempting this, but have made my own leaps. What makes this memory even stronger was that this was the last time my grandfather ever heard me sing One day I will have the guts to write a blog about him, but it was a very hard recovery after his death and singing at church was one of the things that pushed me through.Since "Only Hope" I have sang " Your Love" by matt black, "I'll Fly Away", and most recently " In better hands" by Natalie Grant ( which proved to be a song finding me and later being my backbone.)

Unfortunately the song that explains my overall feeling about my connection with music and faith I'll most likely never be able to sing because it doesn't fit my voice. Just go listen to " I've had questions" by Dave Hunt. If you cant find it, look up " When the Tears fall" its the same song, I just like Dave Hunt's take on it, but honestly the lyrics speak for itself.

I've had questions, without answers I've known sorrow, i have known pain but theres one thing, that i'll cling to you are faithful, Jesus your true when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart in the lone hour, of my sorrow through the darkest night of my soul you surround me, and sustain me my defender, forever more when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart I will praise you, i will praise you when the tears fall, still i will sing to you i will praise you, Jesus praise you Through the suffereing still i will sing when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart I've had questions, without answers I've known sorrow, i have known pain but theres one thing, that i'll cling to you are faithful, Jesus your true when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

It doesn't HAVE to be in reference to Christianity. Take the concept, not just the lyrics and you'll see what I mean. What is that one thing you turn to in times of pain? We should never fully rely on people because it is our human nature to screw things up. We can never fully be trusted, none of us, including myself. I know I have qualities that aren't desirable, no one would should ever deny that of themselves. But really think about what you turn to when you can't find the answers yet you're questioning so many things. It's a self discovering concept, a challenge I give you :-)

( my current playlist : In Better Hands, I've had Questions, Everything by Lifehouse, As the Deer by Any Given Day, and Over the Rainbow)

Needing a day to just be 20 again

Everyday I wake up....make my bed, eat breakfast, workout for about 2 hours , shower, clean the house, eat lunch,randomness til about 4 when I practice and If I have any homework I let that take over around 7...

But today I rebel. Not even going to make my bed, which if you know me that's a HUGE part of my day...if my bed's not made, I dont feel complete. I think I'm ok with that for today. I'm fine with not working out seeing that I haven't really been able to eat for the past several days therefore not many calories to burn in the first place, haha....I've studied my solfege enough this week and I'll probably still practice ,but other than that?...something is calling my name.

Patricio, one of the guys I live with, wrote me on facebook several minutes ago where he then proceeded to inform that they had left something connected...THE Wiiiiii.

Some things just trigger happiness. Lately it's been working out. For the past several weeks I've had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach so I'd workout just to release whatever negative energy was plaguing me. At the moment I just need a happy memory from before things began changing.

What I mean by that is that at one point I let High School into my life. I was always blessed with zero drama in high school and no manipulation, this changed when I began allowing those with that high school mentality ( the EXTREME need for attention, the need to continuously play the victim in drama, the need to never grow up..because one can have some of these traits,but there's a limit) to enter my life,which I would say started around Junior year. A lot of us allowed these people into our lives, and unfortunately you could see the slow change amongst our group of friends due to this.

I'm not saying Spring semester Sophomore year was peachy, I will always call that my semester of hell but it wasn't for social reasons really, mostly academic. Spring semester of that year was when Jason and Kristie lived about 20 seconds from the PAC and we'd spend endless hours playing Wii sports and that monkey game Krystle obsessed over ( which I'll have to admit was rather amusing.)It was during this time Krystle, Kristie and I would sit on the stoop for about an hour debating on where to go eat, many times eventually deciding to go nowhere...unless Stephanie was around where she would then get fed up with us and just make a decision, which then meant we'd argue as to who would drive,haha. That was the most drama outside of your typical frat talk.

This was the semester that homecoming started right after the future Kappa Class' rush dinner on Friday (where Karnbach tried to make the entire group uncomfortable...including Todd's father) and lasted til perhaps 7 am of that following Sunday morning. My favorite homecoming to date. The Wii played a big part, of course. Jason and Kristie's was full of random groups of people walking in and out, including Lil John strolling in with his beverage of choice in hand , stealing a wii mote, and somehow DOMINATING whatever game we were playing. This feeling of just chilling with a group of people you enjoyed being around , telling stories and listening to them,wondering how in the world Lil John just beat us all, will always be calm and relaxing memory for me.

One of my first memories with the Wii occured just a week before, when Todd Worsham entered our lives. Rush week of Spring o7...what are you to do when just one person shows up? Drag him to Kristie's and play Wii. Talk about a funny sight. I was talking to Todd earlier today and mentioned the fact I'd be playing some Wii Golf, his initial reaction? " Hiiiiii-yah!"

There was about three years where I allowed drama into my life, trusted several people with characteristics I saw not admirable yet decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.I can finally say, whether they know it or not, I'm rid of these people . It's a nice feeling, and bringing up memories like these remind me why I appreciate the people still in my life. It's nice to associate so many things with memories, it can be a huge burden at times, but for every bad memory I have at least 3 good memories that I adore :-)

What are some random memories of yours ?

A little bit of humor

.....The fact that these blogs are foreshadows of what is discussed/occuring that day....

Intrigues me.

I dont feel like I should elaborate such things, but I do ask...

If this trend continues.. what should I write about next? hhmm

Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on...

Every time I hear this song I cry. If you've ever been part of Jamestown 4H you would know exactly how much that song means to me. That feeling you get at closing campfire...when staff comes together after initiating all the new campers into order of the Clover, link arms, and just sing. This memory hurts me most now because I know I wont feel that again.

Jamestown was my home.After spending about 12 years there it was the one place I could be Kristol, and I didn't fully realize that until today. It's someone that I don't know how to bring out outside of that atmosphere but I treasure the friends and experiences that she has made. My first summer as staff was a huge obstacle, but O.C and I made it worthwhile by reminding eachother why we were there, the kids. We began singing the "linger" song every Thursday night at campfire in hopes that the message of family and friendships would be transfered to the kids.

Mmm, I wanna linger

Mmm, a little longer

Mmm, a little longer here with you

Mmm, it’s such a lovely night

Mmm, it doesn't seem quite right

Mmm, that this should be my last with you

Mmm, and come September

Mmm, I will remember

Mmm, our camping days and friendships true

Mmm, and as the years go by

Mmm, I'll think of you and sigh

Mmm, This is good night and not good bye

The friendships you build at camp are different than any other. You are forced to be put into this pile of diverse people as a child and somehow, you find some of the best friends out of it. When I was in high school and felt as if I had no one to talk to I had Heather and Mia.Those angsty years when I felt everything was WWIII all I needed was to turn on AIM. Mia and I had those interesting camp memories that all teens should experience ( with the exception of a Lodge 5 haunting, of course :-X hahaha) . She's heard it all from me, we know how it is to be viewed a certain way and not know how to escape it.........Friends are the ducktape to a broken heart. (yyyeeess... We came up with that alllll by ourselves several years ago )

But what about once you become staff? Being a 4H staff member is honestly a blessing,a privilege. You gain SO much from just one summer, and to be honored for 3 years, such a remarkable feeling. You live a life of no judgement other than to prove to the kids that its ok to be comfortable to be yourself. At the beginning of last summer's state staff several people confronted me wondering if I was ok, which made me REALLY realize how different Broadway is to Kristol, so I simply stated I wasn't in Broadway mode yet. As pictures start popping up about this summer it's is starting to really tear at me. I wont be coming back therefore never coming in contact with Broadway again. I'll never get the chance to be that jai-ho dancing, 80's song singing,TONY winning role model again, but I at least made some long lasting companions out of it.

You live with these people for an entire summer of insanity but its those days after camp that make you realize how much they mean to you. During a rough freshmen year O.C would kidnap me and we'd go caribou hunting at short pump. As we grew up this led to to sophisticated brunching in the Bottom to eventually bagel nomming at Panera with the mammas :-) . We went from knowing we were what every guy was missing out on, heartache, and after reaching our lows now knowing that we can only live with hope as we both start our new chapters in our lives on a clean slate.Filling in her shoes as a roommate was a very tough spot because we were clandestined twins...but..ah, yes, Marta became the sensible voice I needed. Who else would rescue legendary room 4 from a gigantic BUG OF TERROR than WuNBA? Haha or how about our love for hellogoodbye and kate nash? We're the international duo. We can cover good little blip of the World Cup :-) but our friendship wouldnt be complete if it wasnt for our baby Derby. Talk about a person who can make me laugh when I'm down to my wits end. We can stay up ALL NIGHT LONG...though if you ask us..we probably wouldn't recommend it. haha. And then...there was...Goose.I will miss us seducing one another in the PAC...a VCU theater and Music kid?!? GASP!?!? There are so many times she makes me proud and just surprises me with what she can accomplish.

Well I guess that's enough for confessing my love for my 4Hers, but to sum it up, 4H is one of the reasons I'm doing this now. Jimmy James gave me 12 yrs ( unfortunately wished it could've been 14, but those summer taught me things as well) to build the strength I need now. I have that backbone and know that no matter what, as Goose tells it to the campers so well,we'll always be a family.

A thought on friendship

I've been having this need to write but have started and restarted this post at least 5 times. All different ideas and thoughts. I guess this one is going to have to be one of those lapse in judgements as I call it. I've always gotten in trouble when I've let my emotions take over my actions leading me to call those moments a lapse of judgement. But maybe I need to just write aimlessly to get this blog going.Lately I've had this one memory play over and over like some scene out of a movie and it scrambles things. This memory confuses the hell out of me because as much as I want to view it as a happy one and just go on my merry way the more the days pass the more I start feeling it was a lie.An action that occurred because the other person involved felt it was what I wanted, not what they wanted.

With that said it reminds me why I was a certain way for so long and now that I've relocated have gotten back into that old routine. Some people live at peace alone.College is suppose to be a time where you grow into your self and discover who you really are, for me it just made me realize I needed to appreciate the way I am instead of fight it. I've been fighting myself since about 12, trying desperately to be accepted in a social world when in reality I'm not a social person. I came to find out that I COULD be part of that crowd, but what did it really bring me? The over all idea is rather close to negative, but when looked at the positive side it gave me a small group of a unique genre of friends....

I'm starting to slowly see exactly which friends are worth keeping from this era, what kind of people I want to be associated with, and just given up on trying to figure out why I still force someone to be in my life (still a part I need to learn concerning a very flawed part of my mind but tis a thought process for another day). I'm just interested to see who out of this group will stick with me. I think I've already found out my handful and am not surprised, they're the people I trusted all along.

They've been added to the handful from my past, those friends that despite how many months pass we still enjoy each other's company and they deserve to be named....whether it be simply poking one another on facebook( mia), replacing caribou hunting with bagel noming (O.C), random crazy outings ( Brandt & Candice) , or simply going to the movies once a yea ignoring the fact I'm wearing a VCU hoodie and she's sporting ODU ( Andrea)

I did though start to ponder on what a VCU friend is. As odd as this sounds I categorize my friends. Tappahannock,kkpsi,4H, and VCU.

My Tappahannock friends are very limited, but they contain my past. These are people who knew a part of me I dont discuss much and for them to last this long means someting.

Kkpsi friends are those from other chapters that for some reason under the title of brotherhood we've decided to connect with. Whether it be getting a random message stating they had seen my picture in the newspaper while on the metro and then SAVING IT FOR ME ( hehe) or confessing our undying love for broadway and gLee via fb, haha, it's a nice thought knowing that there is someone else you can always turn to whether you really ever in thier lives or not.

The 4H friend is in it til the end. I began thinking about this idea actually last night while talking to Marta. 4H is a side of me no one else will ever know, its this hidden confidence and adventurer I release, and I think what makes it so worthwhile is that once you become a teen volunteer these experiences aren't really based around you, it'd based around how you make the kids feel. For that I think is why the 4H is so important in my life. I still listen to the CD Heather made me, I will ALWAYS run to Mia when I've reached a low that I only feel comfortable talking to her about, Steph/O.C shall forever be my twin and we'll get each other through the obstacles that take away our glow,Meghan will be that nice smile when I need it most, I'll always want to see what greatness Kelly will produce while she continues to surprise me, Derby will always know how to make me smile,and Marta will always be that sensible ear, that person that shows me a more down to earth realistic point of view. By what it seems I may have to write a blog all about 4H....but what I'm trying to get at... these are the ultimate example that you dont need to be the primary thought to be a true friend.

But what is a VCU friend? Every morning Tim writes me with a "good morning". I have neverending conversations with Yvonne that consist of day-long responses. Krystle and I will speak via webcam at least every other day. Todd and I have short conversations between naps. I could continue naming people off ( well..a few more, haha) but these are people I talk to on practically a daily basis. It's almost as if a part of me has to have them in my life. There is never that awkward moment of ...hmm..wait...there's nothing else we can talk about. If there's silence...we just don't acknowledge it and just keep the conversation going once something interesting pops in our heads.

These are the people that for the moment I want to still be part my daily life, now who knows what the future holds.I'm excited to see how this new genre turns out and am ok with not creating any more.

To make this an actual blog I guess I'll ask a question to whoever reads this, feel free to comment.What categories have you put your friends into? Is there a difference amongst them? And which do you feel has lasted the longest?

The naming of a blog

I've had many blogs among the years.. " the Diary of a Dreamer"b. 2002 d. 2005 "Mis Poemas"b. 2005( currently a vegetable) "Trying to Defy Gravity" b.2006- currently in hiding and only speaking to the one trusted person in its life... an anonymous xanga blog b.2009....and of course various myspace posts set to private from back in the day.

So I'm no noobie to the idea of blogging, but for once I'm ready to go public. Perhaps its the sudden fame of the blog. The fact that many of my friends have decided to enlighten the world with their thoughts and the inner 16 yr old is wanting to be accepted by the cools kids.Perhaps I'm just desperate to jump onto this bandwagon too. Or maybe I'm just ready. I messaged someone of some importance when concerning their opinion about what they disliked about me. The culprit? Insecurity, they nailed it on the head. We all have had our self esteem punched in the stomach but shouldn't there be a point one gets over it?My current attempt to resolve this...putting things out into the open ( well....most things )

Now to explain how this ties into the naming of this blog and the confidence i'm attempting. Last night I had a very heart to heart conversation with a fellow blogger and the one person ( other than my mother) that I trust. We've gone through a lot in the past years and I admitted that I have always categorized her, another close friend of mine, and myself in this weird similar progression. Of course I'm not a person that explains things well, and most likely at least one reader ( if there are any) is rather confused by what I mean. To be put simply...three friends living similar experiences and progressing by maturing at a similar rate( that part being under speculation of course, haha). This heart to heart just proved the concept that had been running through my head for the past couple of weeks.....We're growing up.

Both friends came to me at different times on the same day to discuss the dreaded idea of commitment. I unfortunately have no reason to be afraid since there is no one in my life to be committed to, but this still triggered a feeling I knew all too well. It triggered this sense of an era dying. I stated this once before, when I was about to turn 20 and there's a whole boring back story, but in all reality that was just a stepping stone. But its the idea that you're living amongst a change. Everything around you is either disappearing or being revealed for what it really is. Both friends have known me since the first dying of an era, we've had our ups and downs with both relationships and ourselves, but have we finally reached that point of learning from it? That moment when things click and we can see ourselves reliving situations and just making a hopefully smarter decision? Or what we all fear...are we getting to that point where one realizes that things are getting closer to permanency?

Kate Nash has a song called Skeleton Song. People can say different things as to what it's true meaning is, but to me I see it as song dealing with the struggle of growing up. By Psychological definition adolescence ends around 25, so doesn't it make sense that this struggle ( as indicated by the lyrics and my own personal experience) starts around 22? This is what I will try to write about. The way I currently see the world during this odd time period. See if I can actually say goodbye to my skeleton friend.