A Controversial Topic

*Disclaimer: I belong to no political party, I'm fairly liberal in many ways but there are few topics that I've been seen to be more on the conservative side due to personal experiences *

I'm American. Don't tell me that's politically incorrect because I have a good explanation why I'm an American. If I was to say that I'm a "United States-ian" or however the argument may be, it the same as saying...you're a Chian,Engish,Ish...it's not the full name of my country. But I live in Chile and love it. Mostly because Political Incorrectness is the blunt of a joke and everyone just laughs.UNLESS there is a serious issue. Which coincidentally they are going through a similar situation as the U.S. So here starts the Preaching:

As a foreigner to the country I don't disrespect the people, I don't take advantage of their economy, I assimilate. I'm talking in a big picture view. I listen to politics but seeing that I am on a Visa  and am only a spectator, I don't speak my mind.I don't have that right and I'm ok with this.

Why am I bringing all this up? My views on the Illegal Immigrant issue.  My mother is an AMERICAN. When I was 9 years old she received her citizenship. My Aunt and Mother studied and prepared themselves for the Citizenship Exam. Both passed. My mother's process didn't start there,to even enter the country as a visitor she had to apply for a Visa. This task in the 80's was  very hard to achieve amongst the U.S and Chile. She fought her way through the paperwork, literally, standing in the Consoler's office until she was granted her Visa.  No, my mother didn't go to the U.S to leave a horrid lifestyle behind. She was just visiting, and on her third trip, met my father, RESIGNED from the Chilean Airforce, and got married. The more I think about it her life actually may have been better in a sense if she had stayed here (Chile). Why?hmmm...I can't put this simply but it's the basis to my argument. So stick with me.

I don't support the rights of Illegal Immigrants. Neither does my mother.And SURPRISE, we're not part of some redneck agenda to " get our jobs back." I do sympathize and don't agree fully with everything going on. I don't feel children should be denied a higher education just because their parents brought them to the U.S illegally, nor do I think a Dean of a major university, a man who has obviously overcome adversity, should resign from his position because he's illegal. That may sound elitist but I don't feel like explaining that argument ..either this blog would be longer than what it already will be. What I do agree with? Something is actually starting to be done. The unfortunate part? It's too late, thus the drastic measures.

My reasons and what angers me about this situation:

1)I've heard with my own ears the disrespect. I'm not saying everyone should be patriotic because I'm not one to wave around the flag and yell HEW HAW! Praise the U.S.A ,  but I'm sorry....If you're sitting there talking about how stupid the country you're stealing money from is because they haven't done anything about it....then ethically why be here? Of course ethics aren't involved. Or better yet...when they finally start trying to fix it...why have the audacity to complain? Didn't you just admit the government was stupid for letting this happen?

2)A majority of illegal immigrants don't want to be educated about our "culture" ( I know it can be debated that we don't have a culture...because really we don't...but we have a way of living). Every other country in this world sticks to what they are.I don't expect my licence to have the same purpose here. I don't criticize their way of living. I point out the differences, but you don't see me running to make my surroundings American-like. I'm learning spanish, my professor learned spanish. I don't walk into a room an expect there to be someone to translate for me. My mother took her DMV test in ENGLISH. She took her nationality test in ENGLISH. I'm not being egotistic. I'm living in a Spanish country...so what am I learning? SPANISH. Period.

3)What about the rights of legal immigrants that are violated every day? Do you hear about them ? Are people defending them? My mother's fallen victim to it. She's been "asked to leave" a job due to her accent. She was the top employee, yet she was made to sign a letter stating that she was" leaving to pursue other employment opportunities within the system". Which I will never fully agree with yet I understand my mother's fear of being blacklisted. Where are the people fighting for her? And it's not just Hispanics. ALL ETHNIC CITIZENS who pay taxes and suffer to make a living are being denied jobs and assistance due to their accent or other forms of descrimination. Where are these activists to defend them? Nowhere.All because they're a citizen, not a poor illegal immigrant that "doesn't know any better" ( Which if you ask me is a statement highly offensive within itself.)

Which brings me to 4. This isn't all about jobs, it's about the economy in general.My parents are struggling.As I know many are. Trying to find 2-3 jobs just so they can get their medication. For those of you who don't know, both of my parents are diabetic. This is the biggest reason where I say that in a way, my mother's life could have possibly been better if she had never moved to the U.S. It's bad.  They have different types of Diabetes and both are being hit hard by it, especially my mother. But there are times we can't afford insulin or a needed surgery. My mother puts 4 doses per day of insulin, high dosages at that, yet there are times she can't afford it. This has become a common problem in households with this downward spiraling economy, but I have seen my mother suffer through this my entire life. Perhaps this being the main reason I can't bring myself to support the Illegal Immigrant Rights Movement.

She fights. She fights to keep a job. She fights to find a job. She fights to make money for life necessities, yet since she is a citizen, and not illegal, she gets no help. There is no one fighting at her side. There are so many people pointing fingers and saying that our government is being unfair toward illegal immigrants. But what about your fellow citizen? There's an entire Middle Class that suffers because they make "too much" money to be helped yet barely enough to survive. Immigrants are part of this class as well but because they've gone by the laws and rules of the government,  they have to suffer more. They must deal with adversity AND a crumbling economy. It angers me that people would rather help those who are in the U.S illegally before they help their own brother.

I find it funny. Most of the time these are the same people preaching that the U.S needs to start fixing things on its own soil before trying to fix the world. ( Which I agree with) But practice what you preach. Start from the inside and go from there. Not focus on the outer layers and completely  disregard, or worse be biased toward, the inner core.

That is my partial argument. There are concepts within the argument that could also be explained in further detail but I don't feel like being lynched with too big of stones.

..And I'm feeeeling good"

*Imagine Dramatic Brass Section Intro Here*

After a not-so-good night's rest I'm ready for the day. A day of shopping for a jury/recital/Jaime's graduation dress ( which could turn horribly wrong since   a size large/Medium doesn't exactly fit over these boobs....but thats a rant for another day) My Tia Maritza's bday present and my little cousin Daniel's bday present. So many of us in December!The best part about this? I get to head downtown for the day. I'm already on a sorta late starte, it's 9:59 and Felipe's in the shower, not I. But eh, I'll eventually be ready. Maybe I'll take this time to add music to the MP3 player...getting tired of some songs.

Hope all have a good day ( if anyone reads this).

Habits Die Hard When You've Got A Sentimental Heart

Warning: This is what I call a Xanga Entry. A release.

It's hard to put things out there. Every time I put some depressing status, minutes later, or the next day I delete it. I feel stupid for ever showing that "weakness." The emotional side of me. I beat myself over how stupid I must look to others who read it. This blog is about taking that step to growing up, correct? So here's another piece of my heart:

There are girls out there that get that attention. They will always have at least one guy swooning over them no matter what, a shoulder for them to always cry on. But what about the girls who will never have that guy. The ones who have to deal with heartache and embarrassment alone. Every time.

Nothing truly big has happened in my life concerning the boy factor, which may be the basis of why there are lumps growing in my throat as I type. I turn 24 on Sunday. Christmas soon after. I'll get those dreaded questions " Do you have a boyfriend yet? Who's heart are you breaking? Of course you have some boys to tell us about " Actually..sorry...but it's the same answer as every year since I've hit puberty and you've decided I'd obviously have guys chasing me...NO. In fact...I'm the chaser. I'm the one being heart broken constantly,and it's getting tiring. 

I take my risks, that leap, I just always land flat on my face. It can be as simple as attempting a conversation with someone....I'm just someone no one's interested in. I guess you could say "One Day" I'll get my chance, but what do you do when you've been hearing that for over 10 years and nothing has changed? Think about it, ten years. A decade. A decade waiting for a guy to ask me out on a date, or even hold my hand. 

In Kate Nash's Nicest Thing she says " I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset."Thats all people want in life, that support. That someone who's little bit more special of a friend to tell you not to worry. Then again this is the only thing that ever upset me now. So that would be pointless, right? Instead I turn to no one now.  I used to run to friends when I felt this way. I'd whine about how lonely I am ...blah blah blah...blabber blabber...but what scares me now is that when I have the urge, I think, "Why? Why would they care?" And it's not their fault, I just don't see the point of screaming "woe is me" every 3 months. What good is that to either party? It's become routine. 

Perhaps it's partially due to me being emotionless. I thought of this today while on the bus. What happens to the emotionless people of this world. I'm not saying I don't have emotion, obviously I do, but I rarely show it. If you know me, If you're a friend or an acquaintance, think about it.With the exception of  the last semester I was at VCU, have you ever seen me cry? I've cried at 2 funerals in my life, my cousin's and my Grandfathers. The others...I ran to a place I could be alone and just burst. I think I've only cried twice in front of Krystle. I've cried perhaps on the phone once. And she's my best friend. When I say cry, I don't mean the kind that happens when watching a movie, or I'm in a room full of brothers crying. I'm talking about deep down hurt. I don't let people see it. 

If I don't show that raw natural hurt, what else don't I show? I always thought that maybe I just thought too much about my actions. Should I say hi to him? I should I write on his wall ( face it...we're living in a facbook state of mind)? Should I look at him? All silly elementary things to most, but to me, a big deal. I always figured it was my anxiety, my fear that I'll look stupid, but why? Thats when the thought process on the bus clicked, I'm afraid to show my emotions. My mother has always argued with me about the fact I don't show my feelings. I don't understand the need to throw around sentimental words to let people know how much they mean to me. If I'm like that with family members, if I cant open myself up to them, who else don't I let myself open up to.

I know this is sounding more of Lifetime Movie Special, but I'm not talking about taking risks. To be honest I have no clue what I'm talking about. I just know it's not the risk taking aspect seeing that I do take them. Despite being terrified of saying hello, I still do it. The part that hurts, there's never a response. Don't take that literally. I don't keep writing a guy if he never says hi...I'm not THAT stupid. It's just aggravating. When I was little I saw myself in a different place than where I am now. Even when I was 15, I figured I'd be somewhere else. 

I wasn't suppose to be single at 24. It would be different if I had an ex, or had been on some failed dates I guess. But I'm still the same bench warmer( well...maybe more of up to bat now) that I've always been. To make it worse? I've even failed while in a different country. COME'ON! Am I just a global failure in the guy department? I'm going to just say yes. Close my laptop. Go to sleep. and in 17 days will be in the U.S.Only to continue this lack of admiration for 2 1/2 months til I'm back in Chile. And the cycle will start over. The End. 

What can you do with a sentimental heart?

But there's alway hope.

Hold My Hand

After a rather ignorant comment I overheard a bit ago, I felt the need to cool off. Said goodnight. Shut myself in my room. And began surfing the web. I have found the remedy, 90's summer music. 

My internet surfing is always a very sparatic random stream, but an Empire Records clip led me into this calm/not here state. I created a youtube playlist consisting of Gin Blossoms, Blues Traveler, Hootie and the Blowfish, and some old school Dave Matthews. I'm at peace. I haven't been inspired to write but this off feeling led me to just type.

With summer being right around the corner ( Chile's opposite in seasons from the U.S...definitely a little hard for me to get used to, but I love the heat, so no complaining) I have this vivid image of the emotion going through me.In my head I'm at river, most likely the Rappahannock. I think the beach in my head is the beach of a high school friend's. A group of  used to go there and chill once the weather warmed up. Something about the beach at night is just peaceful. But to continue, I'm sitting on a towel on the beach, in my bathing suit, sun beating down on me, I can feel the sunscreen sweating, and a beer in my hand. I'm staring out at the water. I think there are people around, but I'm focused on the calm ripples of the river, every now and then seeing a fish jump up and back in. 

Water is so tranquil. Yet some of my biggest shenanigans have occurred near water. The last time I was at the beach is an awesome memory to have as a "last" . I went to  VA Beach with Jimmy James kids, spent a whole day playing in the water, tanning on the beach, and singing at the top of my lungs on the drive home. I love those butterflies of excitement. That feeling you get when you know a memorable moment is being made. It's moments like those we have to store in our brain bank for rainy days. And this music just triggers that. I'm a summer girl.I think from the ages of 7-9 I was in a complete daze, but the best memories? Summer. Going to my 4H sewing classes, Swimming Lessons,Riding in the car with Babysitters who wore no shoes ( haha it was the 90's) and Benjamin Franklin Craft classes in Mechanicsville that Erin drove us to.I guess they were all y first taste of freedom. Adventures without my mother. But  I can also remember being little and walking to the the theater with Mamma pushing Melanie in a stroller and running several feet ahead in my jelly sandals. Getting rocks in them but not caring because I was so excited to be going on an adventure. Four blocks seems like a lot in Downtown Tappy. It's so beautiful. As much as I despise the town I can't deny it's historic awe. Right before I left for Chile I walked with Melanie to 7-11. We got big bites with chili and sat in the court yard between the old courthouse and bank. The huge evergreen, the Victorian benches, the historic plaques. It's a lot to take in on a sunny day. Makes you wonder why the people of Tappahannock couldn't fit it's scenic beauty.  And then the one 7-11 in Tappahannock has its spot in my mind. ( Side Note: You know you live in a small town when there's only ONE 7-11...think about it.) That 7-11 has popped up so much in my life, especially with summer memories. When we still had the DAW I'd be anxious waiting for the adults to want hot dogs or slurpees just so I could walk the "secret path" with my Dad,Mamma , or Tio Donnie. Once I was in High School and I had my licence Brandt and I would meet there before school or before a 4H meeting to get breakfast. Then by the time I was in college Its where I would go if I needed a quick escape from the house or Mamma needed some random thing for dinner. I knew if I went to 7-11 I wouldn't have to bump into awkward acquaintances , only my Tio Donnie, maybe Mr. Johnson....whom I didst mind seeing. 

Oh Summer. It's my vault to happiness.No Analyzing. Just Emotion.

(by the way...the picture is from summer 2007? Em Candice Dresden and some other kids had our own Beach Week 2 years later...that's another fun memory :-) ) 

What's you're feel good playlist?

Mine:
Til I Hear It From You- Gin Blossoms
Found Out About You-""  ""
Follow You Down- ""  ""
Hey Jealousy-""  ""
Hook- Blues Traveler
Hold My Hand- Hootie and the Blowfish
Only Wanna Be With You-"" ""
Time-"" ""
Let Her Cry-""  ""
Crash into Me- Dave Matthews Band
The Space Between-""  ""
Grey Street-"" ""

Not a Club...people should be reminded...

" If you’re serving your band, abiding by the policies and upholding the principles and ideals of our organizations, there are no brothers or sisters who are better, truer or more pure."
~Marie Burleigh
NED Governor, Kappa Kappa Psi

Say it ain`t sooooo

That song stalked for a good year or so, from the moment I got into the car in Tappy to the time I got out in Richmond, I`d hear it at least a good 4 times. That`s no exageration. It`s interesting to look back on those little memories, the ones that really don`t matter yet are rather vivid. The one thing I enjoyed about living in Tappahannock was that I`d have that lovely hour commute. Whenever I decided to go home I`d set the ipod up, or burn a cd or two, and chill for the entire hour. It`s odd, enjoying random solitude, especially while driving. My favorite driving moments? Either mid day on a sunny spring day, or driving back uber late at night in the middle of winter. During both, of course, I would be singing at the top of my lungs...only stopping when I noticed I was in a patch of traffic..and other cars were staring. :-X

My commute now might not be the same, but I still it as an opportunity to just chill and listen to some good music.I didnçt have an mp3 player in my possession until about a week or so ago, since? Pure Bliss. I`m the kind of person that constantly is thinking. I know this is your typical sign that one`s brain is funcitoning...but when I say always...i really mean...always. I can be in class learning one thing but at the same time my mind is focusing on the person beside me, the sounds I hear outside, and some random memory. All this multitasking is fun with a soundtrack. At least by listening to music on the commute, during class I have some random song keeping me calm and distracting just the needed amount. Another plus? Having a soundtrack in general.

I love it when that perfect songs plays right at the correct moment. I think it validates whatever screenplay I´m creating in my head...if that makes sense. Current song ( since obviously weezer isn`t on loop) Haven`t Met You Yet by Michael Buble. I seriously would start dancing at the moment if I could....but seeing that I`m at the library at the Facultad, perhaps that wouldnt be the best decision. Especially since I`m sitting beside a lassmate and I don`t need him thinking I`m odder than what I already am. But back to the song, tis a rather uplifting one. Perhaps on the "Wait...this might be so chippy i'm gonna vomit"..but still , nice to believe in the concept. I've been in a lighter mood the past couple days concerning this topic. All one asks for is a bit of flirtation. Flirt with me for 2 seconds...not even flirt...just carry a conversation...and I walk away in a better mood. Human Interaction.

Onto another topic ( if you have't noticed yet, this is more of a random blog...I didn't have the urge to go straight home after class...so got me some starbucks and came back to the Facultad...) ZOMBIES. The said classmate sitting beside me received some exciting news via facebook....one that perhaps fulfills a semi-obsession of mine. A Zombie Walk. Unfortunately it falls on Saturday at noon....either I have a lesson ..or I'll be Viña ( muahahaha universal keyboard.) Oh Halloween how I shall miss thee. It's hitting me hard at a fast rate, haha. Yesterday received my care package from Kate yesterday which included yummy candy corn and decorations, got the Mans' invite last night, and now the Zombie Walk? I brought a costume...my Flapper one, just for incase. But the odds of me actually wearing it and partaking in Halloween VCU style...HIGHLY unlikely.This causes an extreme sad face. I've always enjoyed the idea of dressing up and being something else for several hours. Finally got to have some fun with it during college.Oh well...it was fun while it lasted. Another thing to get accustomed do while in a different country.Maybe all of a sudden Halloween will become some gigantic deal here....it would be a very nice surprise.

Well, I should probably head back.. Maybe stop by the grocery store? Not sure. Been rather lazy as of lately. I take the time to practice and study...but actual human chores...such as cleaning and grocery shopping...motivation definitely in the red.

"Maybe shaping and molding destiny...is your destiny..."

As I dried myself off today after taking a nice shower I noticed my shoulders were peeling....badly. Last Saturday got fried. How is this relevant at all to my topic? Well let me show you the complex stream of thought path....

Peeled shoulder from sunburn -> I wonder how other people can have pretty tans and not be peeled ->wait a lot of the people i'm thinking of go to the tanning bed -> Hmmm remember those girls in 8th grade that used a tan towel?...-> wait..TANNING TOWEL...we were like 13...-> WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING

I went to a SMALL school. My graduating class had 118 kids ( I think we started High School with 162) and I really mean it when I say everyone knew everyone's business. The true sadness in this? High school politics in "my" town begins in elementary school, not exaggerating. If you didn't get your first kiss by third grade, let alone be in a relationship by the time you were 12...something was odd with you. This coming from the girl who didn't get her first kiss until the age of 22 ...:-X... Of course not everyone had that perception of growing up in Tappahannock, but it also depends on who you were, who your family was, and most important...what group you were told to be in. The "A" group were ( get ready for this unstereotypical hot mess) the Limited Too wearing ( remember, middle school ) , straight A's, number one softball players, Pretty girls...and what ACDS transfers they decided to accept into it. The B group? Honor Roll Band Kids, not in the advanced classes, with enough country-bumpkin boyfriend drama to be Tappahannock's Jersey Shore. And yes...I'm still talking about middle school. And the other groups could be broken down into but are extremely irrelevant to this post. Lets just say I sat with both at lunch, depending on who spoke to me that day...which also depended on if something was going on at church or if it was O.M season ( the A group girls did O.M in middle school...told you..Tappahannock has some screwed up politics...)

Today's memory? 8th Grade Geometry Class. I think there were 13 of us. 3 girls and 3 boys from the A group, 2 girls from the B group...and then the rest of us( 4 boys and myself)..The girls sat together , of course, and I remember one morning  some of the girls talking about the new tanning booth a mother had. That morning they had all gotten together and used some tanning towel. I was so jealous! How could this little white girl have such a pretty tan when I was the Spanish one? Looking at my skin at this moment..it was still darker and perfect. But looking back on all this now (not just this memory of course) it makes me wonder. What the hell was I thinking?Why did I want to be a 40 year old woman when I was 13?

  If I had known that 90% of these girls would be married/engaged 10 years later, some with children...I would've never aimed to be one of them. I'm not saying that being 23 married, with 2 kids, and still in Tappahannock is bad. Honestly...not. I just can't imagine myself in those shoes. I don't even like the idea of a serious relationship right now let alone living at "home." And I'm obviously not a fan of Tappy....come on, I'm currently living in a different hemisphere. I rather have some room to really find out who I am...which obviously is still in progress. But then , what about the  real negative side to all this?

A 13 year old shouldn't be sitting at home crying because she wasn't being invited to the "cool" parties and DRINKING. I know I'm not a saint...but really? My cousin and I still joke about his basement birthday party where a beer was passed around..and 3 of us sat in the other room not wanting to partake..and how big of a deal it seemed like. But really think about the situation. Yes..it was one beer being passed around, but how many of those kids were drinking "pros"?And these were the kids parents thought they wanted their kids to be like. Brandtly and I still laugh about it...because, as I said,  we're nowhere near saints...but ...we're actually proud now about our decisions when we were kids, and that we're not part of that mold now. Can you imagine how we'd be if we would've been fully accepted by these kids?

 I know the times are changing, and I'm a rather liberal person, but there are boundaries. I'm glad we had 4H, and parents who actually watched what we did. At the time...it was a different story. But I'm fully ok with where my life is now...even with it's wreckless moments/months.Yet, I'm not in Tappahannock....I'm not married...and I finally have time to be selfish and worry about myself. Something I think some people don't realize they're giving away. I may have missed out on a whole chunk of childhood because I wasn't "accepted" by the kids I was "suppose" to be part of...but at least now I'm living experiences they'll never have. It's interesting. 

I know there are people who are free spirited and getting married/just got married...but knowing them...that's not going to change them at all. haha. They'll be the nifty wives the others of jealous of. But I guess everything really does happen for a reason. It's a cool concept.

Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my life is found....

For those of you who don't know, this past weekend I got to see Incubus live. I found the situation funny seeing that I never imagined I'd get a chance to see them live...let alone my opportunity being in a different country. They were amazing. Unfortunately, like most concerts I go to, I was surrounded by a bunch of younger kids who jumped and screamed the lyrics ( Yes...they somehow knew the lyrics better than I though they're not english speaking...) To me,one must feel their music, not just  the lyrics. They're  such a well thought out group and  so talented. I don't think I've ever seen a band sound that amazing live. 

With that said, watching the video to "Drive" brings up a fun memory.During my freshman year of high school my favorite time of day would be that time slot from 3:30 til about 6pm ( When I wasn't doing some after school activity..).I would have to ask someone to drive me home, either Andrew,Harold, Kelly, Will..someone....because both my parents would be working and seeing that I was only 14, obviously did not have my license. What would I do once I arrived to the empty house?  ( Melanie would be at homework camp, muahaha) Pop popcorn. Sit on the floor of the tv room...which was beside my room at the time.Put on TRL. This was during the era of good music. Well, at least decent. The end of Nsync's goody image and the beginning of more rock entering mainstream.

 The one video that has always popped in my mind from these afternoons is Drive. I  find it interesting that 10 years ago I loved Incubus by just listening to the music. Yes, I enjoyed the lyrics, but to be honest, I think it wasn't until recently that I really began comprehending them.( Listening to Pardon Me and realizing that " a decade ago" I was 13...hmm)  Musically they're so moving. I don't know many people that can stand still while listening to them...if you can...you're not really listening to it. Even now , while writing this blog, I find myself bobbing my head and swaying. As weird as it may be, it's almost out of body like when you REALLY let whatever music take over you. 

Have you ever thought of that? How music can legit be a high. We were laughing on Saturday that there was so much weed in the air that we probably got some contact high, but you don't need that help when listening to them. At least in my opinion. And I know there are a good amount of other bands out there that has that kind of effect on other people. I wonder why. I almost wrote my English 200 paper on how our mind connects with music and what kind of personalities attach to a certain genre. Unfortunately there weren't enough resources to write the paper on it...which made me a tad upset. It's such an interesting topic. I love Incubus. I love their lyrics. Love their Music. How has that shaped my personality?Think about what bands you can really get into..spiritually in a sense. Is there a connection between your lifestyle and the music? Maybe I'll try to look up some more about this. But it would be really cool if I could get some responses to this one, so don't be afraid! I'm intrigued by the concept and might research a little on it. 

Childhood crushes grown up

Does anyone remember Angels in the Outfield? The Disney movie that..yes...starred a young Joseph Gordon Levitt. I remember thinking then he was the cutest thing alive, which led me to believe I would marry someone like him. ( Give me a break..I was 7)This of course led me to my infamous crush because he reminded me of Joseph Gordon Levitt and played baseball. haha. But usually these childhood celeb crushes don't get to be relived as a young adult. As a teen perhaps, because we all remember when Johnathon Taylor Thomas formed abs, but at 23?

He's always been there. Third Rock from the Sun, 10 Things I hate about You...but 500 days of summer? After his appearance back on the "big screen" I began researching this old love of mine..and wow...the pictures I found. And of course the movies (...of course...). The first picture I have posted is from a rather saucy/steamy photo shoot with Claudia Schiffer.My Favorite picture was a little too R rated for me to feel comfortable posting, but the one I did choose still portrays the hottie he's become. I just love it when someone that was adorable becomes hot. Not everyone ages well. I would have talks at 1411 about who in our lives we'd assume would age well and how had already begun to show that they are, in fact, attractive. It's fun to think about. Vain,shallow, yet entertaining. We're allowed to live on the surface at times, just enjoy what's in front of us.

But what do I enjoy most from this rediscovery? It's beyond the shallow looks and his sexy...sexy..sexy body ( mmmm give me a second...ok). The boy can legit act. I'm currently watching Uncertainty....look it up. It's keeping me thoroughly confused...which I enjoy from movies seeing that I have the bad habit of figuring out the catch about 15 minutes in. Even in 500 days of Summer, whether you liked the movie or not, you couldn't doubt the acting and chemistry appeared natural. Another awesome characteristic? He hardly ever plays the same character. There are dimensions in his acting persona. It's refreshing when you don't see that much nowadays.

I just like these little pop ups in life. The meaningless things that make your heart beat a little different. I'm enjoying this movie week I've decided to have. Started off with Michael Cera, but maybe now I'll aim for the Independent Films, educate myself a little. It'll be interesting. And all because I find a boy hott.Not a bad outcome from a vain motive, correct?

The Price We Pay..

We all make choices and are always told the ones worth it are never easy. I've made my choice to live a life alone while I chase what I know is mine. Each lesson, each practice session, I feel the difference, despite as small as it may be. Yesterday Prof. Brown even said...Patience over frustration. We play one of the hardest instruments, nothing is going to develop overnight.But we're allowed to have our bad weeks, right?This entire week kicked me in the chest. I started it with a fever, which lead to dizziness and exhaustion, and eventually taking a toll on my mental health. I don't like the feeling of going crazy, pretty sure no one does, but its like some demon that creeps into me when I feel alone. I'll sit here, staring at the walls. The music will be playing from itunes and not even be absorbed, which is what scares me the most.

Today was the first time I've talked to my mother for days, and like always, she knew something was wrong...even if I didn't want to accept it. Have you ever watched that Dane Cook skit where he talks about having the weight of the world on your shoulders and just letting it out when you're finally alone in your apartment?I find that one to be one of his funniest skits, because its the pure truth. To me there's a difference between physically alone...and just not being wanted.

I'm fine with being physically alone. Part of the reason I've been in a funk is because with this alone time I enjoy reflection amongst nature, even if its as simple as walking around listening to an Ipod. I can't do that here. I don't own an ipod, and this isn't exactly the neighborhood I want to walk around. Despite having people in the states that care about me, there's no one here. Well, let me rephrase that...no one that cares enough to make the initiative unless they are related to me or over the age of 35. I don't like being a guest but I enjoy adventure. Everyone is so nice to me here, yet they live their own lives, no one includes me in it. I don't have someone randomly iming me, or texting me to invite me out on shenanigans. And of course , if you know me,it's hard to make friends in general...let alone in a different language. Which on my defense...I've stepped over a lot of comfort lines while I've been here in a desperate attempt, and like always...these risks lead to nothing. Social risks never work out in my life, only personal. I guess tis why I know that I was one of the few that really have to chose between the two.

If I was to move back to Richmond at this very moment I think my social life would be better than it's been in a while. A nice smooth ride for a while after a long vacation. But that would lead me nowhere in life. ( Don't worry...quitting and returning is nowhere in my mind, tis just an emphases on things.) I just get tired sometimes, thats all. During this crying session with my mother she asked me if this was all because I missed home. I had to answer honestly, and luckily my own mother knows me so she wasn't offended, when asked I repsonded with "I'm just bored." Boredom has always been my demon, perhaps because by keeping busy I don't have time to think.

Thinking is the worst weapon of destruction we can have. Earlier in the week I randomly got into a discussion ( I think because partially I was my bitter old self since I haven't been feeling well..a part of me I've been trying to avoid for months now) about "love". In response to a novel I practically responded with, he stated that I'm allowed to have my opinion on something I'm so "passionate" about. I'm not really passionate about the subject, I think I'm more envious of the fact I never experienced the pure feelings that are meant to be tainted.I went straight to hurt.I was never given that chance to have some summer fling, or teenage love affair, therefore I was never given the chance to experience that kind of heartache. I leaped over it and straight to bitter.

I was also never that stereotypical bookworm that didn't try, I think thats where I went wrong. I did take those risks, just rejected every time.After ten years of trying, I got tired, and just stopped. My mother even said today that she was discussing with someone that I'm "picky". How am I picky if for every guy I dislike there's at least 6 others I'm attracted to. Of course she was discussing my current situation which legit pisses me off. I've never thought I'd be pissed off to have guys actually attracted to me....but how am I suppose to feel ok about myself if they're always the ones I have no interest for in the first place. I KNOW that's a bitchy statement....but shouldn't I be allowed to at least have some standards? Sure I know I can't get the hottie, or the "cool" kid...but at least let me get something I want....ya know?

This is all a rant, another open page of my diary, perhaps for whoever reads this to have a little more understanding of who I am...another process of this growing up thing, putting it all up there because obviously the "mystery" thing doesn't work well for the one who rarely speaks.

But as I said at the beginning...this loneliness I guess is the price I've paid to sell myself to a dream. Eventually I'll know why I did it. Tomorrow starts a new week and though it may be raining, the sun is just hidden behind the clouds.

Jessie's Girl

As I was working out today I found myself singing along to the Rick Springfield "classic" at the top of my lungs and smiling, an instant reaction whenever I hear this song. It made me wonder, why will I always be so attached to it? Of course the past yr or so I got rather annoyed by other people's assumptions for my reason...but I eventually had to remind myself, they didn't always know me. Music triggers memories in my life, as I know many of yours. But I guess to get the ball rolling on this memory I'm going to give a little bit more background timeline:

• Elementary/Middle School.....hell.
• 14-16 1/2 the beginning of lunch friends...the ones you passed notes with and had some adventures with

• 18-19 I began my recreation...in a sense...and met the friends who would become my brothers, my family
• 20-hell wrapped in a lovely horn case
• 21-Boys entered my life
• 22-23 ( U.S wise) Cobra Starship says it best...HOT MESS

I intentionally skipped 17...

....before Tik Tok, I Kissed a Girl, I Gotta Feeling...before If it Kills me, I'm Not that Girl,Touch me..Empty like the Ocean,Pretty Girl, Coin Operated Boy.....Race the Sun, Tragedy Letters, The Half Jeffersons...

There was All You Need is Love,I Wear my Sunglasses at Night, and Jessie's Girl.

I was Seventeen-ish, the year I learned it was ok to drive around aimlessly with people you call friends,blast the radio, and laugh. The same time I had my first beer ( on the beach, of course, oh Tappahannock) and I was beginning to realize that a little white lie could let you stay out past curfew....among other things. I deleted my High School xanga my freshman year of college but I still remember one specific blog. May 22, 2003. It was 2am and I had just gotten home from Hampton. Candice, Em and I had gone to the Imax with some of their Gov. School friends( boys of course..this is where I also developed my third wheel syndrome..but oh well) to see The Matrix Reloaded. I remember being on such an adrenaline rush once I got home . That night I remember writing " I'm excited to see where this friendship goes"....and so it began. The next year or so my life consisted of Atlee boys, Beach Nights, Parties in the woods, and aimless Hanover driving. It felt nice to finally break the rules by just a tad.

But then of course I lost that feeling, a part of growing up. I eventually got caught in a huge lie the summer before VCU which put a damper for a while in my relationship with my parents, which of course,due to how I felt at the time..led me to lie even more about my Bad News Bears summer....which was tranquil yet scandalous on its own terms and from there continuing to lie, not only my parents.I began saying what I thought the other party wanted to hear,usually a boy, I stopped worrying about what I was doing or what I thought as long as someone else was ok with what they thought was going on. Its a wierd concept, but it just led to a huge downfall when I eventually engulfed myself into that idea. As cliche as it is, doing things the way other people would want to see it.

Not everyone will know your life story, we shouldn't be so egotistic to think that people will even care. I'm just lucky that I have my family and people who know 98% of my life. O.C and Krystle will always be burdened with my history, haha, so be happy its not you. ( not excluding the other awesome people in my life that I value...I just get tired of re-hatching things, rather keep it simple nowadays )

I'm not who I used to be growing up, I'm not who I was while at VCU, I'm finally me. At least I hope. As I said in a recent blog...I've been having my share of not so angelic acts...but what if that's who I am? I'm living my life day to day. People ask me if I plan to move home or if I'm going to live here once I get my degree...I have no idea. I rather spend my days practicing, studying, working out...and smiling when I hear a song that reminds of goodtimes.

I realize now I'm as disposable as the camera in your hand...

A part of growing up is losing grip of something you've had ...but as we all know won't last. Today I charged my U.S phone, I haven't turned it on since the planed lifted from Miami. In American culture, your phone symbolizes you. I didn't fully come to this conclusion until today when I realized how many memories a single plastic object can hold. I began looking through texts and listened to my ringtones. Life has changed, I've changed. I still have Kesha waking me up every morning..but it's not my ringtone. I don't live that lifestyle anymore, along with I've Gotta Feeling and lord knows You Belong with Me will NEVER be on my phone again. Now it's Do Wah Do ( look up the video...it'll explain everything.) I got into such a wierd funk that I put the phone down and let it continue to charge for Jaime.

And then I realized I didn't look through it's most important cubbie hole...Images and Video. I began looking through my pictures. One of O.C in Mechanicsville holding up a Best friends poem frame the day the mommies finally meant ( days before I left) , "You Want Sausage" torn from a Cary Town Mcdonald's bag( which of course became my background along with -once again- "yvonne is awesome"), and an Iron Mask pic with Goose and Derby. But then I decided to look at the videos. The last one? A random group at 1411...singing Hakuna Matata

Life changes.

When I was a freshman at VCU I felt the thread between my high school friends and I thinning. I went through some really rough patches, and by my last year there what was once a solid group of friends was down to maybe 4 of us through my eyes, this of course changes depending on person...we're like a venn diagram. This is now happening with VCU friends. But I'm fine with it this go around for the most part, it just hurts to remember that feeling of happiness with people you'll probably only see in passing. It's the memories that make it hard, but then you listen to a song.

Be ok...by Ingrid Michaelson...

And then you look at what you have left.

Today :

I carried a 30 minute convo with Rox...just using Skype emoticons

I listened to Krystle practice her uke

Tim and I discussed our excitement from seeing BSG references

Yvonne sent me a creepy Bed Bug vid ( no...seriously...I may have nightmares)

This week :

I got to semi experience a Virginia summer night while talking to Todd as he sat in his drive way

Jason..well...

Goose shared random vids

and I can't forget the weekly podcast...

These moments remind me that though things change, the important factors stay.The title to this blog is from a Half Jeffersons song "Don't You Wonder." It's all about how we change, how people have to deal with change while at the same time we have to deal with our decisions. Every decision we make has it's consequence, and I think for once I'm ok with this. It's best to look at the past and be happy with the outcome, right? :-)

Paz....and a cup of coffee...

Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as living in Peace. At least in my life, I'm going to assume in many others as well. I haven't written anything profound in a while because I have been in "peace". My definitions of this being that I haven't had any drama in life getting my brain going, or anything very interesting. When I began writing this blog there was a lot of turmoil in my life, luckily I got rid of the factors in some sense...made some bad decisions for a while, though it was entertaining..and now am at some standstill..waiting for something to happen.In these moments I let my mind wander off, either into amusing daydreaming or reopening past wounds. I'm pretty sure this all depends on the day, whether it's sunny or gloomy.Today was awful, dark, frigid...and so I turn to old wounds.

I'm not going to turn this into some xanga post about how "I'm drowning" ( haha...I used to love being melodramatic...) but more along the lines ( maybe...because I'm actually just writing to write,) of if we really want peace in our lives, are we capable of it? I don't have drama. I'm luckily out of Richmond..because whether I love it or not...it's a cest pool for backstabbing, gossip, and judgement.But would Santiago be the same if I had gotten here at 18? Entering a new world at a different stage in life has its benefits. I don't have this longing to be accepted, I don't feel the need to make friends, yet am glad I have been making them, but I no longer feel the need to search. With this I'm worrying more about myself. I've somehow lost 24 pounds, am exercising( which always bring my attitude up several notches), and am actually developing aural music skills..I've semi amazed myself with the small steps I've made...concepts I couldn't grasp the first go 'round. But then why have these moments? If I can see the crescendo in my life why keep remembering meaningless feelings, or better yet, start the process all over?

Why do I fall so easily into old habit that I know don't work for me? Why lose all skill to speak when nervous? Why not grow some balls and be the 23 year old I should be.....these issues piled on top of old regrets and feelings , cause an immense frustration. Selfish and immature anguish, as if I'm still 18 and screaming because I WANT to be the one asked out on a date. My frustrations aren't completely about the fact I want a real date( boyfriend, straight male "friend"..so on, haha ) it's more about me STILL not having one. I have friends getting married, there are girls I've graduated with that have a full out family, and I'm still stuck waiting around for some kid to ask me out for coffee? You can blame it all you want on my flaws...but....that still doesn't explain things. I've seen people with the same flaws as my self walking down the street holding hands with someone else...so you can't say it's because of my insecurity, or my looks, or my lack of personality....because there's suppose to be someone for everyone, right?

Not really sure what I'm getting at here, more of a rant than blog. But it just makes me wonder. When everything is aligned, something always stands in the way of peace. Is there such a thing of having it all? Or must we choose? If that's the case then I guess I've chosen my education over love...but does this mean I'll end up a spinster? Just some things running through my mind on a cloudy day...it's suppose to rain tomorrow...oh joy...

L-O-V-E

Everyone has their own opinion and it all depends on how they've lived life. Myself? Not a big fan of the idea. I believe that there is Love amongst family and friends...but that "love" that the world keeps trying to force down our throats that involves spending the rest of your life with someone else? How in world are we suppose to believe that?This rant comes from my mother constantly saying my "prince" will come along?I HATE THAT SAYING. What exactly is a Prince? A man who is born into power and will most likely abuse it, feeling as if he is superior to all? Yet again something else Disney decided to change the definition ( Just like...cliffs in Virginia??? Jamestown/Gloucester....REALLY Pocahontas??) I'm suppose to believe that the perfect man, Prince, is out there. Have YOU ever met the perfect person?

I was actually thinking along that concept the other day, perfection. Every time I'm attracted to someone I always say " He's perfect BUT...". There's always some kind of exception, and I'm completely ok with this. I'm fine with him being Perfect but too young,too short, too shy, too whatever. I'm nowhere near perfect, I could make a list of all my faults and not know where to stop. I'm human.

Therefore, if we're all human ( or so I would hope...), wouldn't it make sense that spending the rest of our lives happily married to someone is ultimately impossible? How long have you been friends with your best friend, would you even think about living with them for more than several years? Your best friend is the one person you should be able to do this with...but I'm pretty none of us would be up for the challenge. So how are we expected to live with someone AND share our life with them for the rest of our lives? I know this will change...I do plan on getting married EVENTUALLY if the opportunity arises... but it's still a very depressing concept. Spending your entire life with just one person, any individual socialness being drained from you. Having a family is different, as in, that's the part I actually look forward to...having a child, taking care of it, hoping they live a fulfilled life...but the husband aspect? Not anytime soon..thanks

Thus is why the idea of my Prince coming along legit pisses me off. I don't want my prince. I don't want my "true love" just yet in life. I want a friend, a best friend. That person who'll watch a movie with me and cuddle on the couch yet at the same time I can make fun of him for being a complete idiot. Or that person I can hang out with after class with no motive, just know we like one another's company.Or better yet, someone to just talk to about my day, no matter how lame it may have been. I mean there are obviously other benefits, but I rather simply date right now, have a best friend instead of a matrimonial prospect, a lifetime partner . I just really hate it when people automatically answer with "one day he'll come along, the man I love" when it concerns the longing for companionship. Though I do really like that song...my guilty pleasure hopeless romantic( yes, contradiction, surprise!)

Being a hopeless romantic is different than a schmuck. I'm in love with the hope of being in love...a denial. Yet I accept this denial and enjoy fantasizing that there is someone for us all...but realistically? We just need companionship.

If anyone dares or wants to answer...What are your views on the whole love image. Is it for schmucks? or the wise? Are you looking for your "soulmate" or just a little more than a friend? ( not friends with benefits...complete different story, haha ). I'm interested to see how people further explain my ideals or discuss the contradiction :-)

the Beauty of Art

Motivation. I'm the kind of person that will have these moments of doubts, laziness, boredom. and just when these moments occur I luckily am encountered with some form of motivation. Yesterday was a day filled of performances. After class I went to watch the Youth Orchestra perform, I was left in complete amazement. From the first note I was stunned, their entrance was so smooth, unnoticed, the rest of the performance was just as spectacular. I was jealous of the horn section, seeing some of my classmates perform wagner and beethoven with such ease. Haha, but then to the Ballet! This year marks the 200th anniversary of Chile ( I believe.) So there's a lot of hooplah surrounding it, the Gala being one of the events. My favorite performances? Giselle which starred THE Julie Kent( yea...I was in amazement when I read the program and saw that she was the guest performer..I almost died.) and then Bolero.To be honest, a confession to my ignorance, had no idea it was a ballet/ performance. It was breathtaking. The best way I can describe it. First of all the Orchestra was amazing, it was cool hearing my professor play. But the dancers?? WOW. I'm hoping it gets posted somewhere so I can..post it. ( yes , I know, my vocabulary is decreasing...saddens me so.)

With two beautiful performances I felt that slight prick of motivation. It's always a nice feeling, the feeling in your gut letting you know that you've made the right decision? It doesn't have to be as big as changing your lifestyle like I have, it can relate to anything in life.It can be as small as studying with a friend for a test or helping a family member cook, just a little ounce of comfort that settles in. Eventually i guess that comfort grows, and I'm assuming it's a nice feeling when you've realized everything that has happened and all of you decisions have finally decided together. A part of me thinks that i'm finally on that path, after all these years, I'm starting to feel some comfort with my life.

....she wishes her life was more like a movie...

Life is like a movie, at least that's how I've always viewed it. The only difference? You rarely get the cheesy happy ending, but is this really a bad thing? I grew up in an old one screen- twenties style- movie theater watching plot after plot on the HUGE screen in front of me.I've grown to love movies, enveloping myself into a good story, but where do you think the writers got these stories? Most likely you relate to a character that reminds you of yourself, or love a movie because you've had some part of the storyline occur in your own life...or in my case...had a feeling it would occur. The current one I'm in at the moment is interesting and we'll see where it goes, but it made me laugh the other day when I started thinking about the current story and realized that it really was some story plot...except I'm hoping ( and am pretty sure) no one will end up dead at the end of this one.Haha. I just find it interesting to compare life to a movie. So many people complain about life being uninteresting, boring, but in all actuality every day can be turned into something entertaining if you let it.

Take a pretty, sunny day in Santiago. Walk around with your classmates running a random errand. Walk to the metro with friends....and you've got yourself a nice scene in a never ending movie.

The way I see it, life has different chapters. Every chapter has an ending...but if they were all happy there would be no point, correct? Therefore enjoy the delightful scenes, scandalous adventures, and soak in the disappointment just so in the end when Happiness appears in a bubble you can take it for what its worth.

What are some of your fav life scenes....miniseries?

With that in mind...I shall leave you with a lovely video by midtown ( mmm gabe saporta....)

But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...

We all have characteristics passed down from our parents. But what about the characteristics others will assume were passed down?how does that affect how we perceive ourselves? I just got done getting ready for the day, as in...I was already dressed in a hoodie, unwashed hairy,no make-up...but then decided perhaps since people visiting today and we might go out shopping tonight , I should look more presentable. And that's what got me thinking....what's presentable?

A habit that has been passed down from my mother was that I always feel like I need to look "presentable" whenever I leave the house...or atleast this habit has grown on me as I've gotten older. A hoodie and a messy bun is considered presentable to many people, I'm completely fine seeing people being even more bummy with that, no judgement, and to be honest ,what I was wearing earlier was actually fine for my mother ( She approved via skype webcam.) But the people visiting today were VERY close to my mother. They knew her during her prime , and for those of you who don't know ,my mother was ( and still is :-) ) EXTREMELY beautiful. Homecoming Queen status. She's always been the perfect blend of tom boy meet femininity. I , unfortunately, have always been on the clumsy , look-like-a-mess track when it comes to looks, but with age have at least attempted to become more presentable to her standards. But why didn't I feel comfortable in something she approved of?

First impressions. That's the best way I can put it. I've met them before, but I was with my mother. I've learned from many experiences from the past that when I accompany someone else I'm usually not the one that gets remembered as clearly, therefore when I meet people for the first time alone....I find that as their actual first impression. I want to live up to the memory they have of my mother...and for me it takes a little more work. haha. But it's just odd to think how all of a sudden I feel this pressure to be "pretty."

What I'm getting at isn't vanity, haha. My mother is beautiful therefore when I'm making an impression on people from her past I feel the need to let the characteristics I inherited from her come through. I make sure my eyes are done up, I look a little more put together, feminine, and attempt to come off strong not aggressive. Growing up I had to impress those on my father's side, therefore I always went more toward his characteristics I possessed. I made more of an effort to be humble, quiet , yet observant. I just learned how to turn on some characteristics depending on the situation. I enjoy the idea of controlling my actions but at the same time it'd become such a habit that it's a burden. I'm the kind of person who thinks way too much before act on something. I always found this interesting and have always wondered, how do other people deal with this?

Do you control your actions? Or do you just let whatever shows show? And do you think it's all heriditary, or a bit of nature vs. nurture debate?

A true performer is their own worst critic...

At least that's what I've always been taught and have always fully believed in. In life we're always learning, we should always be looking for ways to expand our intellect and being...why not do this with our profession as well?Musicians should respect one another, we all have at least one trait that another person doesn't have, how? Music is filled with emotion, creativity, personality...none of which you can teach, only feel, therefore why would one look down upon another musician? I'm not talking about disliking a complete music jock who thinks they're the best thing since Tuckwell or Brain, those are the performers I'm semi directing this too. Today I saw some VERY unprofessional behavior amongst some fellow horn players. I'm not going to go into to detail, but what makes one think that they're have the right to snicker and smirk behind an educator of almost 40 years? Was just because she was american or a female horn player?

I love to observe how a musician teaches, learn how their own brain ticks and the techniques that has helped them. What makes it even more worthwhile is to watch an educator explain techniques. It's easy to find musicians but I feel VERY difficult to find an educator amongst that world. I've been blessed this go 'round to have Professor Brown, so far he's taught me more than 4 semesters of lessons elsewhere ( but I will say this in fairness..to each their own, so what works for ya works for ya) , but Professor Klock from Umass has her own quarky personality that I absolutely loved. Yes, you may feel as if you're in a kindergarten classroom at times with her eccentric energy, but doesn't that make sense why it works? Shouldn't we feel comfortable while playing?She explained this concept of associating a part with a color. I've heard this before and I've always loved it. I'm a very visual person and colors have always been something that I do categorize things as, but I do understand not everyone has that kind of mind. Nothing wrong with it...just respect the idea.Don't throw obnoxious glares to an idea you haven't tried. I just find it aggravating that there will always be this elitist attitude among amazing players. Yes .....you have an amazing sound...but how will you ever appreciate your art if you're not open to new ideas?Then again I guess it's due to this kind of attitude that gives the rest of us motivation. Or maybe just myself. I've always had this bad habit of wanting to prove myself and trying until there are just no other possibilities.

Who knows why these sentiments occur, but what are your feelings on the musician mentality. Is there a time you've earned the right to be "better than others" or is there always some room for improvement? I seriously wouldn't mind reading these opinions pllleeaase :-)

rambling to keep myself occupied and not think...

Second post of the day...so instead of being philosophical I shall just type. Sometimes I do wonder if one day I'm going to look back on posts and think " wow..that was a lot of B.S." or..."oooo shouldnt have written that." But oh well. Tis life. I actually like the fact how I dont really set out to discuss something, I just let whatever is taking over run its course...tis fun.

So today was nice...freezing, but nice. I know the complaining about the cold may be getting a little annoying....but, it happens. It started a little patchy seeing that I was 20 minutes late for class...Wednesday morning are the worst! haha Public transportation is a huge cage fight of cattle...best way to explain it.Despite my tardiness class was fun, still having to work on the melodic dictation :-X..but It's getting there. We started harmonic intervals today. YAY!

Tomorrow will be exciting. I'm suppose to go with my cousin to look at an apartment. Don't get me wrong, I'm really liking where I am now. The guys are UBER nice. I just enjoy doing things completely on my own. That little ounce of freedom. We're all just little kids desperately wanting to be grown ups. Right?I'm just really excited, it makes things official if I get my own place. Nice feeling.

maybe then I wont be online as much and then I can buy my weeeights!!I really miss getting a good workout. I wish I would've realized when I was younger that I'm internally an athletic person, haha. But I'm ok with being the music geek I've become.

And this is my mind just rambling.

and my left ear is burning :-(....boooo

Becoming One with the Curls

Ultimate FAIL. I'm currently sitting in la biblioteca de la facultad but unfortunately can't get wifi.I was able to connect to the UChile server....yet it's saying not accessable..argh. I can't figure it out. If it wasn't completely obvious that I wasn't Chilean I'd have a little more courage to go ask the little old lady working behind the desk. Maybe one of my companeros will walk in... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

In the meantime I shall listen to itunes and just post this later ( accompanied by boredom pics while at la facultad)

While I was drying my hair at 7 am and watching my curls become bigger...and bigger...I began thinking,one must embrace the curls. Now before you think this entry is going to be about how I've tamed my hair...just hear me out...I've actually got a point . When I was a toddler my hair was liso, straight and smooth. Impossible to believe? I was born with nearly black ,straight, frizzless hair. Later on things changed, first came the frizz and then the curls began to appear. The curls began coming in when I was about 8....it wouldnt take a good 6 years til my mother and I accepted this and another 6 until I began finding ways to tame it. During those 12 years I let everyone tell me what to do with my hair. Whether it was my mother brushing through my hair every morning, myself brushing in between every class period ( because I wanted to desperately be part of the blonde haired-perfect girl- group) , taking it personaly when I was made fun of for my mane ,or putting as much product as possible because thats what hairdressers told me...I had no way of understanding the beast upon my head. Luckily I figured out ways by myself to fix it and for the first time ever, this morning I looked in the mirror and thought, "hey....they can actually come off pretty ..sometimes."

To appreciate things we need to come to conclusions by ourselves. People do what they think is right by giving advice, helping, but it isnt until we come to a conclusion on our that we can fully appreciate whatever we had a problem with in the first time. This may take years, even after a personal decision is made, it's just hard for those who have "gone through it" to remember that it is your mind, not theirs. We all have this urge to protect others, constantly saying that they shouldnt do this or that, but how do we expect the recipient to ever learn for themselves? We're a generation stuck between independence and spoiled. We're coddled in many ways, see this, and then blame our parents for trying to control us....while at the same time we're criticizing this new generation for thier naivety and lack of culture. I read an article a couple years back concerning freshmen move in day. This mother was telling the story of how when she moved in her son, her and her husband stayed with him all day helping him find his way around campus and settle in. This reminded me of when I moved into Johnson.....I was grateful for the fact that my father walked all the way to Ukrops on Harrison and West Grace ( yea...it used to seem like it was miles away/ doesn't exist anymore) to find me random "necessities" for my room...but I was also internally screaming because I was ready to settle in..alone. I've always tried to value that we learn things on our own. This "new generation"( whether they will admit to it or not ) of college kids, the disney generation, were protected so much and influenced by an uncertain society that they see things from the surface, they haven't had time to explore thier subconcious. I try to remind myself when I get frustrated with "the youngins" it's just because they need to mature, they need to learn, experience. Of course I'm not taking myself out of this equation, we're all constantly learning and with each generation we're becoming more and more acceptable to procrastinating reality and adulthood. Yet , no matter what generation,when we get frustrated, upset, and angry we need to take a second, sit back, and reflect on whats going on, analyze it.

But there also has to be an understanding on the other end. Remember that with anger blunt sentiments will be expressed and should be taken with a grain of salt.A devil's advocate persay. If you know me well enough then you know I have a hot temper.Luckily only a handful has seen this side of me and they've only witnessed maybe an ounce of my wrath. My parents unfortunately get the blunt of this, catching all the hurtful things my mind can produce as quickly as my mouth can spurt 'em. Whenever a problem would come up in the frat I'd bring up this concept. Ranting is raw emotion and many times what comes out shouldnt be taken personally. We all need to rant, if you feel a volcano building within you there's no way it wont explode. Yet..heed ranter ( hehe....*hint hint* to those who MAY have caught on to that pun) becareful who you trust with your rant for you only have one true advocate and friend to rant to, yourself.

Now think about this one. What have you had to learn on your own? Did it feel worthwhile once this epiphany was reached? We learn about ourselves everday, is it ok to change once you've realized you've been doing something so wrong for so long?

Baby steps....

Earlier I wrote an entire blog concerning my day and my new philosophy on life...unfortunately the computer at la facultad decided to dislike that blog...therefore making me write a new one.

I am currently at La Biblioteca Nacional. I decided today to explore my surroundings and what better place to start for a quiet girl than a library, right? I also decided that perhaps since my mind is starting to think minimally in castillano/spanish/chileno ( whatever you decided to categorize it) perhaps I should start writing whichever language pops into my head.

With that being said, today was a start. The best way I can explain this is to quote my cousin..El Pasado es Pasado....The past is past. Nifty saying eh? I woke up this morning in a rather odd mood but then decided I`d do things differently. Drank my two glasses of water, got dressed while jamming out to some Kate Nash, Taoi Cruz, and gLee( no judging zone) and went on my merry way to school. ( This is that part in the movie,perhaps 500 days of summer style, where I`m walking down the streets and there are cartoon creatures everywhere whistling). While in the metro I looked at my reflection.It`s interesting when you really soak in how much you`ve changed. Instead of staring at an 18 yr old wearing flared jeans, medium sized bands tees, flip flops and gaining 5 pounds per week via Shafer breakfast, I was staring at someone else. Skinnies ( which by the way ,to gloat/be vain a little ,were originally bought a size smaller...yet now fit rather comfortable..hehe ) my winter coat, a tucked in scarf, chucks, and this different person looking at me. I`m starting to notice my glare has changed.....

After taking my long trek to school( micro, 2 metro lines , and a 6 cuadras walk) I waited for the elevator where I came across a compañera of mine, Alyson. We talked about different things, her intrigued by me actually wanting to move here, I interested that she had grown up in Santiago, and as we discussed exactly what we planned to do with our licenturas after we graduated we walked..with confusion..into an empty classroom...it was 10:13...two minutes til class started. We later found out that Coro auditions were taking place but still....as the class went on people strolled in..this isnt a uncommon thing.It made me think...why were we all ok with it? If you were to watch the streets of Santiago you`d notice that everyone merely runs, not walk. Yet time isn`t an issue...they rush to be late. But the difference is...the time that they spend in a location is valued. We can show up to class at different times but no one is ever really paying attention to what time it is. As american we`re constantly rushing to be somewhere on time only to sit there impatiently waiting to leave so we can rush to get somewhere else. Entonces, do they value the product and Americans merely the process?Or maybe this is just some way my mind is maturing...appreciating what I'm taking in instead of wanting to get things over with.

I thought about this while sitting en la biblioteca en la 4 piso de la facultad where I had adventured to since I JUST discovered its existence while talking to another compañero of mine, Juan, via facebook. It was interesting, I had my typical moment of panic as I walked into a room of people wondering " wait... who's this ?" ( Imagine the PAC lobby....CASE and POINT), yet not as terrified as when I first walked into Cabell. Then again, this library was more like the size of one of the keyboard rooms with a handful of computers and study group tables. This adventure gave me la gana to explore some more. After almuerzo con Patricio, he led me in the direction of La Biblioteca Nacional. Talk about a BEAUTIFUL building. My next plan during exploration? Bring a camera!

It really is interesting to just walk around and soak in the energy around you. Another misconception about quiet kids. We're not all hermits. Though it might take a couple battles in my head to walk into an unknown building , like the Biblioteca Nacional, I love to walk around and observe my surroundings outdoors. I'm lucky that La Facultad is in el Centro, so I get to just explore. I still have a lot more land to discover, hopefully after buying some batteries I can put some pictures along with these posts.

song suggestions for today

Angsty/hating the world ( for mature ears only): Kate Nash's Mansion Song, La Roux' Bulletproof

Fun- Ingrid Michaelson's Be Ok, Ke$ha's Take it Off, Mika's Grace Kelly