Domestication

I'm a rather domesticated conundrum.I rather solve my own problems, buy my own things, work several jobs and study what my "heart" desires rather than what my wallet needs. I enjoy taking long walks through the city alone, searching for hidden treasures, parks where I can workout in, and places I can shop organically. I don't enjoy being bossed around. and  I much rather be alone at times than accompanied. Yet...I cook, clean,wash clothes, iron...and enjoy it. 

Since I've gotten a boyfriend I've been criticized. I've been told I spoil him too much,that he's a "bum" due to how I allow him to live. But has anyone ever thought that perhaps the situation is that way because I made it so? 

I've never been considered feminine, my sister making up for this with her extreme femininity.I would bring my mother to tears when I'd come home from elementary school with my hair disheveled, clothes torn , and sneakers stained. Yet here I am, 20 years later, ironing my boyfriend's suit jacket and pants for his concert tonight. 

My generation grew up watching The Wonder Years. I specify this exact show not bc of its era-based theme, but because it's the show I'd watch as my mother ironed clothing. I wasn't even in elemetary school and I'd beg her to let me help her iron and fold clothes. Before Melanie was born I was practically my mother's only friend in a town full of people that discriminated the fact that she wasn't 'Merican. She was beautiful, intellectual ( had a college degree which most of the other mothers didn't have), and had resigned from a rather distinguished job just to move to the states and marry my father. All she had for a while was her aunt ( whom was busy with children of her own) and myself. With this said, I was her assistant. My father would be working at the DAW and I would be at home helping my mother cook and clean. I loved it.I loved watching The Wonder Years, Married with Children, and waiting for the Lotto with her. I'd make washing dishes a game ( to the point I wasn't allowed to wash dishes anymore because I was wasting too much water and detergent) and perhaps ruined a couple pieces of furniture due to trying to dust them a little too much. 

Twenty years later I'm the epitome of a housewife in the aspect that I prefer my surroundings to be spotless and perfect and I enjoy cooking for others. What is wrong with this?I'm still an independent person, more than some of those who criticize me.I don't plan on getting married anytime soon, never been a fan of the idea, but I like having the company. I enjoy doing those wifey things such as ironing and washing clothes. So yes, I spoil my boyfriend, but it's my own fault. I offer myself to do such things. If  I didn't want to he knows pretty well that I make my own decisions. 

I have no problem with those who aren't into cleaning and cooking for others ( take note...I'm not saying NOT cleaning is ok...just not enjoying it is completely fine..I'm the weird one ). So why must I get told that what I'm doing is wrong??? Opinions???

...Fly high against the sky...

I always said..they're just people like you and I...

Ever since I was little I've always said that actors/performers are just like us.The're humans. But sometimes some hold a greater significance.

This is  going to all sounds rather ridiculous,but Corey Monteith's death still upsets me. He didn't do anything to save this world. Horrible things that are more important occurred the same day he died ( which I still say is pure conspiracy... but that the crazy Illuminati hunter inside of me..which I rather not discuss on a public blog.) Yet, I took more interest in his death. one could say that the "higher ups"succeeded, but to be honest,it wasn't because of some pop idol dying, it was the idea in general that an "era" has been cut short.

I'm extremely Anti High School Musical,Hairspray( the movie musical remake),WAS against Pitch Perfect until I realized Anna Kendrick and Skylar Astin were in it, giving it credibility ..therefore watching it...and findingthemovie highly entertaining, cute.Pretty Much I'm a Musical elitest. I feel the performers should actually be...performers. Not Zac Efron and his disney minions.Lea Michelle was the female lead in one of all time favorite Broaway Musicals, and Matthew Morrison will forever be Link to me, so when Krystle suggested I watch Glee, and Kate bought the 1st season....I gave it a shot, and was hooked.

It was the story of any big dreamer from a small close minded town. Not too cliche , just perfect.

As the series grew,I grew. The hopeless romantic fantasize-r  always was so confused as to how a show could relate to so much going on in my life at that very moment. As embarrassing as that confession may be...tis the truth. It was my therapy.I felt the joy,the excitement,the heartache, the anxiety. Rachel's dream was mine dream.I'm not speaking hypothetically. There's a reason why my handle is almost always "broadwaygal2005".

I had fought my entire life for music. I had fought the school board.Fought the band director. Eventually fight for my education. Glee came to me at a point in my life where everything was deteriorating. My dreams, what were left of them, were bursting into flames. Rachel reminded me who I had wanted to be, and why.

I wanted that path. When I was 16 I knew deep down I'd leave Tappahannock.I knew I'd escape. I figured I'd study for 3 years at VCU and then transfer to NYU. At that point in life the horn was just my gateway to get me to  NYC. Yes, obviously those were  the "egoistic years"of human development. I matured a little and realized I had absolutely no way of making it to Broadway and the horn became my priority. But that dream still lingers in the back of my head. When I'm all alone I pick up the remote and go straight to karaoke on youtube. Unfortunately not as much as I used to, but I dont let that flicker die.

The only time I ever felt fully fulfilled, was the moment I stood in Times Square, staring up at all the lights.

To me, Glee was my dream coming true through Rachel. Then to add on her love for Finn, topped it.

Finn Hudson.Dumb yet as perfect as any stupid male can be. He was realistic, not some prince in shining armor. He was adorable.

Glee was more than a tv show for me. Perhaps it was "Fame"for all the dreamers of the80's...where no one really claims the obsession due to the cheesiness, but everyone knows that it changed people.I know it's an embarrassment. I know the show is beyond cheesy at times. But for those who are into musicals (REAL musicals.....tony winners, not nick teen choice awards- though that may seem hypocritical) Glee was the answer.

For this Chubby , lost dream,Tappahannock hater...it gave me something to be excited to watch every week. It gave me that suspense of what could possibly happen.

Why do I refer to Glee as in the past? Because of Corey's death .(yes, ms.obvious at your service.) Its  hard to say how the show will go on.But only time will tell.

This scene tore my heart. I talked my mother days earlier after she and Melanie had watched it. She said "you're going to cry."I of course claimed that I always cry.I've gotten rather sentimental with age and tend to cry at almost every glee episode.She reiterated "no,it's going to hit you hard.Melanie and I couldnt stop crying, it made us think of you."

It did. I felt this scene ( that I've posted below) from deep within.It gave me hope. Strength.And more importantly, surprise.  My Family saw my own personal journey as Rachel's all along. I cried through a smile.

We're all human. We all have out struggles. Unfortunately some never overcome them. Or the conspiracist within will also say,sometimes there are higher powers you just can't compete against.

Rest in Peace Corey Montieth. You're character was a good rolemodel for the younger generation ( there's almost none nowadays,society wants to only teach fake sentiments and false images) and your personal struggle and fight should also be valued and warn others no matter which story you believe as to how he died.

Yes. I just did a mini homage to a teen idol.But as I said from the beginning of this blog. This is me. I'm going to post my journey and how I feel no matter how ridiculous it may seem. You  were warned 4 years ago.

And Now I leave you with Rachel's Broadway Audition.

Full Performance of "Don't Stop Believing" from "Sweet Dreams"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7CUAxe6YhE

(I'll embed the video when I have a better connection and not visiting family.)

Fat Girls Never get the Cred

Fitness has become a trend of some sorts.Every where you go people are gong "healthy", joining the fad challenge and drinking the hip new protein shakes.I've always been a gym go-er and a dieter since I was about 10 ( I'm not lying, I've been dieting since I was 10.) When I was at VCU I remember at times going to Golds Gym every other day. It got me nowhere.By this point I was already at my highest, 275 pounds...and nothing was helping.

I eventually moved to Chile ( a story on its own and thus the reason this blog was born way back when) and lost within the first year 20 pounds, just due to the change in lifestyle. People actually walk here and my food wasn't packed with chemicals. My second year I lost 50 pounds, but mostly due to starvation and stress, therefore gaining immediately 35 pounds while at home for the holidays.This obviously made me realize starvation was not the way to go ( if I was given the choice). Third year I started dating, new school, busier schedule...and it all went out the window. I lost no pounds,despite doing cardio and strength videos every other day and attempting to cut red meat from my life.My body did reshape due to the exercises but I was still left with that shapeless huge belly.When  2013 started , I was tired of it all. I was tired of being told my entire life to stop eating potato chips and soda.Two things that are rarely in my diet ( I can only sip soda...it get boring after a couple sips and I want my water again). I was tired of being asked " Well you should probably exercise." I was going to beat my slow metabolism and diabetic obstacles. A month before coming back to Chile Melanie and I made a deal, we were going to compete to see who could lose more weight by December. Both of out goals being to reach 180 pounds(which for me is a size 10-12). To headstart our mission, we did the slimfast diet along with the videos I had already been using. With Melanie losing faster than myself, though we were doing the exact same thing, I began to do my research. I began using SparkPeople.Com  and adding the elliptical to the videos. By mi-February, I had lost 8 pounds.

February 21, 2013, I was ready. I was in Santiago .It was Beautiful. And I was only blocks from Parque Bustamante. The year before I had not taken advantage of this but I wasn't going to let it go by me.So to put it short, I began, and still am, jogging. I try to go for 6 days a week, but slipped during May since my mother and sister was here. I now weight 220 pounds. I know it's still "fat" but here is where my rant begins.

Not everyone is born skinny. Not everyone is born with the same metabolism. Not everyone is born in the same culture. With this said, and you now knowing my struggle with weight loss story ( which is only the major part,I'm not going into me doing 100 crunches every night when I was 15 and not seeing one bit of results) I want to claim that I'm sick and tired of already thin people being praised for losing even more weight. Ok,you gained some birthing fat,it's a part of life and its a thing all on its own.You're a size 10 and now a size 8?Good for you.I'm not criticizing them. Being healthy is obviously the more important issue, but the fact that society praises them yet is eager to "give advice" to the fat girls out there that are trying baffles me.

Not all "fat"girls are victims,per-say. There are various whom sit around eating all the time and hate the idea of exercise.Lazy bums. But if they're happy with their bodies, then let them eat that cake! I'm not going to tell them how to live.What gets me upset is that there are many of us "fat" girls trying to change our bodies, yet mother nature is against us. One of the Pictures below shows how I was in 2009 in comparison to now.I'm still being told every day by some kind of person assuming to know everything that I need to " change my habits". I'm practically vegetarian and jog/lift weights rather often. I'm sorry Mr. Self AcclaimDietician...but I'm ok with my habits.

What I'm getting at is that perhaps we should think before we judge.( cliche...yes..I know..stay with me...)  I know it's an idea we've been taught since infants, but honestly, in the world we've created, nothing is how it should.We've allowed so many things to get into our minds that ethics and perception have taken a back seat.

Acknowledge the chubby girl who was once fat.She may not post her "before" and "after" pics all over facebook, but she's woking hard at it, perhaps she still feels too "fat" to post her accomplishments.

I know this blog was horribly written, but I can't figure out a good way to express this frustration I've had.I needed to just write it as it is. There are other things going on in my life that I needed to at least get one thing off my chest.

(December until now.July2013)

....tappahannock....

I'll eventually write a post about this pic....

.....but only when I finally have a time to breathe. But I liked it too much to not share.

Pathetic

.....tracks were left behind....allowing me to see just how pathetic you are....and more interestingly ...ignorant...

..The Space Between...

There are moments I want to be in High School again.Not so much for the"happy memories" but for the fact things were just so different. I didn't have many friends, I was an over achiever...yet...life was just easier. Yes I was very angst-y  We all were. And I had my share of tragedy, but there are these moments that I yearn to be sitting in front of the hp pc in the living room listening to Oasis and writing in my xanga. Every now and then I'll go into my 90s alternative mode which leaps me back into high school.No, I didn't go to high school in the 90s, but lord knows that was my music of choice alongside maroon 5 and john mayer. 

I hear Gin Blossoms and think of rocking out in the Shop Room with Brittney Novitch before Odyssey of the Mind.I hear Better than Ezra and remember analyzing their awesomeness with Em. I think of springtime in the parking lot, talking with  Em and Candice til 8 pm...and my mother calling me frantic to make sure I was alive. I can even go so far back as to feel the exact emotions I had at the bowling alley while listening to hootie and the blowfish,or on my way to sewing classes. I miss those moments.

Despite the fact my life got significantly better after high school, thus my lack of "hometown" on my facebook page, I can't deny that those good moments were memories that'll stay with me forever. That'll bring a smile to my face...or at times a tear..when I think about how much things have changed.  Sometimes I'm scared I'm going to always dwell on these moments forever and yearn for that simpleness again for all my life. 

I remember my junior year of High School Mrs.Thompson made us keep a journal, which she would read and comment on. One particular entry always stayed in my mind. I wrote about how I've lost the magic of Christmas. I still felt the meaning,but I had lost that childhood perspective. I was longing for that feeling of not being able to sleep all night and plotting with Melanie on when we're gonna wake up Mamma and Daddy,the difference between 3 am and 6 am. Mrs Thompson simply put," Don't lose faith Kristol, It'll all come back when you have a family of your own one day ."

But what happens in that middle part? The feelings of simpler days, the "magic" in things , and then when you start a family?What do you do with that confusion?And what if that family never comes? Are you left to watch your own family drift away until you're ultimately left alone? 

About a year or two ago I began having mini panic attacks, Terrified I was going to get bad news, that something had happen to my family. When these attacks occur I quickly try to tell myself to stop being so negative.Everything is in God's hands, it'll be ok. But then things do happen,and I don't know what to do, all I can do is pray. Each year they start piling up.Its as if every year I come home there is the major possibility that there will be one less person in my life. Being so far away, I'm useless.Disconnected.I start to wonder, is it worth being so selfish? Is it worth wanting to make a path for my life rather than live the simple one laid out in front of me?

I'm not going to change my mind.I've been confused before and it left me in a dark place. I've been depressed once for this fight, nothing's going to take this away from me now.I'm stubborn.But it scares me what toll it may take on me.

Finally its all coming together...

Duam in La Serena. Just a little taste as to how much fun we had.:-)Amazing tour,amazing performance in the Teatro Municipal of La Serena. now onto Teatro de Carabineros on Wednesday.WOOO.

no words are worth more than yours will ever be :-)

la serena here we come :-)

Only Hope

Quick Update. Finally its all lining up. All the hardship has paid off.If it wasn't for the pushing down I would have never had the courage to make such a big change in my life that would eventually lead me to this great opportunity.PorFin.Exito. Estoy Feliz.