Say it ain`t sooooo

That song stalked for a good year or so, from the moment I got into the car in Tappy to the time I got out in Richmond, I`d hear it at least a good 4 times. That`s no exageration. It`s interesting to look back on those little memories, the ones that really don`t matter yet are rather vivid. The one thing I enjoyed about living in Tappahannock was that I`d have that lovely hour commute. Whenever I decided to go home I`d set the ipod up, or burn a cd or two, and chill for the entire hour. It`s odd, enjoying random solitude, especially while driving. My favorite driving moments? Either mid day on a sunny spring day, or driving back uber late at night in the middle of winter. During both, of course, I would be singing at the top of my lungs...only stopping when I noticed I was in a patch of traffic..and other cars were staring. :-X

My commute now might not be the same, but I still it as an opportunity to just chill and listen to some good music.I didnçt have an mp3 player in my possession until about a week or so ago, since? Pure Bliss. I`m the kind of person that constantly is thinking. I know this is your typical sign that one`s brain is funcitoning...but when I say always...i really mean...always. I can be in class learning one thing but at the same time my mind is focusing on the person beside me, the sounds I hear outside, and some random memory. All this multitasking is fun with a soundtrack. At least by listening to music on the commute, during class I have some random song keeping me calm and distracting just the needed amount. Another plus? Having a soundtrack in general.

I love it when that perfect songs plays right at the correct moment. I think it validates whatever screenplay I´m creating in my head...if that makes sense. Current song ( since obviously weezer isn`t on loop) Haven`t Met You Yet by Michael Buble. I seriously would start dancing at the moment if I could....but seeing that I`m at the library at the Facultad, perhaps that wouldnt be the best decision. Especially since I`m sitting beside a lassmate and I don`t need him thinking I`m odder than what I already am. But back to the song, tis a rather uplifting one. Perhaps on the "Wait...this might be so chippy i'm gonna vomit"..but still , nice to believe in the concept. I've been in a lighter mood the past couple days concerning this topic. All one asks for is a bit of flirtation. Flirt with me for 2 seconds...not even flirt...just carry a conversation...and I walk away in a better mood. Human Interaction.

Onto another topic ( if you have't noticed yet, this is more of a random blog...I didn't have the urge to go straight home after class...so got me some starbucks and came back to the Facultad...) ZOMBIES. The said classmate sitting beside me received some exciting news via facebook....one that perhaps fulfills a semi-obsession of mine. A Zombie Walk. Unfortunately it falls on Saturday at noon....either I have a lesson ..or I'll be Viña ( muahahaha universal keyboard.) Oh Halloween how I shall miss thee. It's hitting me hard at a fast rate, haha. Yesterday received my care package from Kate yesterday which included yummy candy corn and decorations, got the Mans' invite last night, and now the Zombie Walk? I brought a costume...my Flapper one, just for incase. But the odds of me actually wearing it and partaking in Halloween VCU style...HIGHLY unlikely.This causes an extreme sad face. I've always enjoyed the idea of dressing up and being something else for several hours. Finally got to have some fun with it during college.Oh well...it was fun while it lasted. Another thing to get accustomed do while in a different country.Maybe all of a sudden Halloween will become some gigantic deal here....it would be a very nice surprise.

Well, I should probably head back.. Maybe stop by the grocery store? Not sure. Been rather lazy as of lately. I take the time to practice and study...but actual human chores...such as cleaning and grocery shopping...motivation definitely in the red.

"Maybe shaping and molding destiny...is your destiny..."

As I dried myself off today after taking a nice shower I noticed my shoulders were peeling....badly. Last Saturday got fried. How is this relevant at all to my topic? Well let me show you the complex stream of thought path....

Peeled shoulder from sunburn -> I wonder how other people can have pretty tans and not be peeled ->wait a lot of the people i'm thinking of go to the tanning bed -> Hmmm remember those girls in 8th grade that used a tan towel?...-> wait..TANNING TOWEL...we were like 13...-> WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING

I went to a SMALL school. My graduating class had 118 kids ( I think we started High School with 162) and I really mean it when I say everyone knew everyone's business. The true sadness in this? High school politics in "my" town begins in elementary school, not exaggerating. If you didn't get your first kiss by third grade, let alone be in a relationship by the time you were 12...something was odd with you. This coming from the girl who didn't get her first kiss until the age of 22 ...:-X... Of course not everyone had that perception of growing up in Tappahannock, but it also depends on who you were, who your family was, and most important...what group you were told to be in. The "A" group were ( get ready for this unstereotypical hot mess) the Limited Too wearing ( remember, middle school ) , straight A's, number one softball players, Pretty girls...and what ACDS transfers they decided to accept into it. The B group? Honor Roll Band Kids, not in the advanced classes, with enough country-bumpkin boyfriend drama to be Tappahannock's Jersey Shore. And yes...I'm still talking about middle school. And the other groups could be broken down into but are extremely irrelevant to this post. Lets just say I sat with both at lunch, depending on who spoke to me that day...which also depended on if something was going on at church or if it was O.M season ( the A group girls did O.M in middle school...told you..Tappahannock has some screwed up politics...)

Today's memory? 8th Grade Geometry Class. I think there were 13 of us. 3 girls and 3 boys from the A group, 2 girls from the B group...and then the rest of us( 4 boys and myself)..The girls sat together , of course, and I remember one morning  some of the girls talking about the new tanning booth a mother had. That morning they had all gotten together and used some tanning towel. I was so jealous! How could this little white girl have such a pretty tan when I was the Spanish one? Looking at my skin at this moment..it was still darker and perfect. But looking back on all this now (not just this memory of course) it makes me wonder. What the hell was I thinking?Why did I want to be a 40 year old woman when I was 13?

  If I had known that 90% of these girls would be married/engaged 10 years later, some with children...I would've never aimed to be one of them. I'm not saying that being 23 married, with 2 kids, and still in Tappahannock is bad. Honestly...not. I just can't imagine myself in those shoes. I don't even like the idea of a serious relationship right now let alone living at "home." And I'm obviously not a fan of Tappy....come on, I'm currently living in a different hemisphere. I rather have some room to really find out who I am...which obviously is still in progress. But then , what about the  real negative side to all this?

A 13 year old shouldn't be sitting at home crying because she wasn't being invited to the "cool" parties and DRINKING. I know I'm not a saint...but really? My cousin and I still joke about his basement birthday party where a beer was passed around..and 3 of us sat in the other room not wanting to partake..and how big of a deal it seemed like. But really think about the situation. Yes..it was one beer being passed around, but how many of those kids were drinking "pros"?And these were the kids parents thought they wanted their kids to be like. Brandtly and I still laugh about it...because, as I said,  we're nowhere near saints...but ...we're actually proud now about our decisions when we were kids, and that we're not part of that mold now. Can you imagine how we'd be if we would've been fully accepted by these kids?

 I know the times are changing, and I'm a rather liberal person, but there are boundaries. I'm glad we had 4H, and parents who actually watched what we did. At the time...it was a different story. But I'm fully ok with where my life is now...even with it's wreckless moments/months.Yet, I'm not in Tappahannock....I'm not married...and I finally have time to be selfish and worry about myself. Something I think some people don't realize they're giving away. I may have missed out on a whole chunk of childhood because I wasn't "accepted" by the kids I was "suppose" to be part of...but at least now I'm living experiences they'll never have. It's interesting. 

I know there are people who are free spirited and getting married/just got married...but knowing them...that's not going to change them at all. haha. They'll be the nifty wives the others of jealous of. But I guess everything really does happen for a reason. It's a cool concept.

Lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my life is found....

For those of you who don't know, this past weekend I got to see Incubus live. I found the situation funny seeing that I never imagined I'd get a chance to see them live...let alone my opportunity being in a different country. They were amazing. Unfortunately, like most concerts I go to, I was surrounded by a bunch of younger kids who jumped and screamed the lyrics ( Yes...they somehow knew the lyrics better than I though they're not english speaking...) To me,one must feel their music, not just  the lyrics. They're  such a well thought out group and  so talented. I don't think I've ever seen a band sound that amazing live. 

With that said, watching the video to "Drive" brings up a fun memory.During my freshman year of high school my favorite time of day would be that time slot from 3:30 til about 6pm ( When I wasn't doing some after school activity..).I would have to ask someone to drive me home, either Andrew,Harold, Kelly, Will..someone....because both my parents would be working and seeing that I was only 14, obviously did not have my license. What would I do once I arrived to the empty house?  ( Melanie would be at homework camp, muahaha) Pop popcorn. Sit on the floor of the tv room...which was beside my room at the time.Put on TRL. This was during the era of good music. Well, at least decent. The end of Nsync's goody image and the beginning of more rock entering mainstream.

 The one video that has always popped in my mind from these afternoons is Drive. I  find it interesting that 10 years ago I loved Incubus by just listening to the music. Yes, I enjoyed the lyrics, but to be honest, I think it wasn't until recently that I really began comprehending them.( Listening to Pardon Me and realizing that " a decade ago" I was 13...hmm)  Musically they're so moving. I don't know many people that can stand still while listening to them...if you can...you're not really listening to it. Even now , while writing this blog, I find myself bobbing my head and swaying. As weird as it may be, it's almost out of body like when you REALLY let whatever music take over you. 

Have you ever thought of that? How music can legit be a high. We were laughing on Saturday that there was so much weed in the air that we probably got some contact high, but you don't need that help when listening to them. At least in my opinion. And I know there are a good amount of other bands out there that has that kind of effect on other people. I wonder why. I almost wrote my English 200 paper on how our mind connects with music and what kind of personalities attach to a certain genre. Unfortunately there weren't enough resources to write the paper on it...which made me a tad upset. It's such an interesting topic. I love Incubus. I love their lyrics. Love their Music. How has that shaped my personality?Think about what bands you can really get into..spiritually in a sense. Is there a connection between your lifestyle and the music? Maybe I'll try to look up some more about this. But it would be really cool if I could get some responses to this one, so don't be afraid! I'm intrigued by the concept and might research a little on it. 

Childhood crushes grown up

Does anyone remember Angels in the Outfield? The Disney movie that..yes...starred a young Joseph Gordon Levitt. I remember thinking then he was the cutest thing alive, which led me to believe I would marry someone like him. ( Give me a break..I was 7)This of course led me to my infamous crush because he reminded me of Joseph Gordon Levitt and played baseball. haha. But usually these childhood celeb crushes don't get to be relived as a young adult. As a teen perhaps, because we all remember when Johnathon Taylor Thomas formed abs, but at 23?

He's always been there. Third Rock from the Sun, 10 Things I hate about You...but 500 days of summer? After his appearance back on the "big screen" I began researching this old love of mine..and wow...the pictures I found. And of course the movies (...of course...). The first picture I have posted is from a rather saucy/steamy photo shoot with Claudia Schiffer.My Favorite picture was a little too R rated for me to feel comfortable posting, but the one I did choose still portrays the hottie he's become. I just love it when someone that was adorable becomes hot. Not everyone ages well. I would have talks at 1411 about who in our lives we'd assume would age well and how had already begun to show that they are, in fact, attractive. It's fun to think about. Vain,shallow, yet entertaining. We're allowed to live on the surface at times, just enjoy what's in front of us.

But what do I enjoy most from this rediscovery? It's beyond the shallow looks and his sexy...sexy..sexy body ( mmmm give me a second...ok). The boy can legit act. I'm currently watching Uncertainty....look it up. It's keeping me thoroughly confused...which I enjoy from movies seeing that I have the bad habit of figuring out the catch about 15 minutes in. Even in 500 days of Summer, whether you liked the movie or not, you couldn't doubt the acting and chemistry appeared natural. Another awesome characteristic? He hardly ever plays the same character. There are dimensions in his acting persona. It's refreshing when you don't see that much nowadays.

I just like these little pop ups in life. The meaningless things that make your heart beat a little different. I'm enjoying this movie week I've decided to have. Started off with Michael Cera, but maybe now I'll aim for the Independent Films, educate myself a little. It'll be interesting. And all because I find a boy hott.Not a bad outcome from a vain motive, correct?

The Price We Pay..

We all make choices and are always told the ones worth it are never easy. I've made my choice to live a life alone while I chase what I know is mine. Each lesson, each practice session, I feel the difference, despite as small as it may be. Yesterday Prof. Brown even said...Patience over frustration. We play one of the hardest instruments, nothing is going to develop overnight.But we're allowed to have our bad weeks, right?This entire week kicked me in the chest. I started it with a fever, which lead to dizziness and exhaustion, and eventually taking a toll on my mental health. I don't like the feeling of going crazy, pretty sure no one does, but its like some demon that creeps into me when I feel alone. I'll sit here, staring at the walls. The music will be playing from itunes and not even be absorbed, which is what scares me the most.

Today was the first time I've talked to my mother for days, and like always, she knew something was wrong...even if I didn't want to accept it. Have you ever watched that Dane Cook skit where he talks about having the weight of the world on your shoulders and just letting it out when you're finally alone in your apartment?I find that one to be one of his funniest skits, because its the pure truth. To me there's a difference between physically alone...and just not being wanted.

I'm fine with being physically alone. Part of the reason I've been in a funk is because with this alone time I enjoy reflection amongst nature, even if its as simple as walking around listening to an Ipod. I can't do that here. I don't own an ipod, and this isn't exactly the neighborhood I want to walk around. Despite having people in the states that care about me, there's no one here. Well, let me rephrase that...no one that cares enough to make the initiative unless they are related to me or over the age of 35. I don't like being a guest but I enjoy adventure. Everyone is so nice to me here, yet they live their own lives, no one includes me in it. I don't have someone randomly iming me, or texting me to invite me out on shenanigans. And of course , if you know me,it's hard to make friends in general...let alone in a different language. Which on my defense...I've stepped over a lot of comfort lines while I've been here in a desperate attempt, and like always...these risks lead to nothing. Social risks never work out in my life, only personal. I guess tis why I know that I was one of the few that really have to chose between the two.

If I was to move back to Richmond at this very moment I think my social life would be better than it's been in a while. A nice smooth ride for a while after a long vacation. But that would lead me nowhere in life. ( Don't worry...quitting and returning is nowhere in my mind, tis just an emphases on things.) I just get tired sometimes, thats all. During this crying session with my mother she asked me if this was all because I missed home. I had to answer honestly, and luckily my own mother knows me so she wasn't offended, when asked I repsonded with "I'm just bored." Boredom has always been my demon, perhaps because by keeping busy I don't have time to think.

Thinking is the worst weapon of destruction we can have. Earlier in the week I randomly got into a discussion ( I think because partially I was my bitter old self since I haven't been feeling well..a part of me I've been trying to avoid for months now) about "love". In response to a novel I practically responded with, he stated that I'm allowed to have my opinion on something I'm so "passionate" about. I'm not really passionate about the subject, I think I'm more envious of the fact I never experienced the pure feelings that are meant to be tainted.I went straight to hurt.I was never given that chance to have some summer fling, or teenage love affair, therefore I was never given the chance to experience that kind of heartache. I leaped over it and straight to bitter.

I was also never that stereotypical bookworm that didn't try, I think thats where I went wrong. I did take those risks, just rejected every time.After ten years of trying, I got tired, and just stopped. My mother even said today that she was discussing with someone that I'm "picky". How am I picky if for every guy I dislike there's at least 6 others I'm attracted to. Of course she was discussing my current situation which legit pisses me off. I've never thought I'd be pissed off to have guys actually attracted to me....but how am I suppose to feel ok about myself if they're always the ones I have no interest for in the first place. I KNOW that's a bitchy statement....but shouldn't I be allowed to at least have some standards? Sure I know I can't get the hottie, or the "cool" kid...but at least let me get something I want....ya know?

This is all a rant, another open page of my diary, perhaps for whoever reads this to have a little more understanding of who I am...another process of this growing up thing, putting it all up there because obviously the "mystery" thing doesn't work well for the one who rarely speaks.

But as I said at the beginning...this loneliness I guess is the price I've paid to sell myself to a dream. Eventually I'll know why I did it. Tomorrow starts a new week and though it may be raining, the sun is just hidden behind the clouds.