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Do you ever feel a song and immediately remember how you once felt when it was popular?

At the moment...during my moment of angsty depression...because I like to whine  and have my temper tantrum at times while alone in my room..

I began to listen to the Goo Goo Dolls...and since youtube has now advanced ever so much...it continued with thier stylistic whining to 3 Doors Down...

and dear lord...

I was 16 all over.

I am 16 all over.

I dont know whether to cry or just let the music engulf me.

I remember coming home to an empty house....before preparing dinner for melanie... or cleaning the house so mamma wouldnt be angry when she got home at midnight....or washing the laundry so daddy wouldnt have to when he got home at 3 am.....I made my microwave popcorn and watched music videos.

Before youtube, there was MTV ,VH1,and MuchMusic/FUSE.


I remember who i was crushing over....Will Hendricks, Billy Carver, Will Clark ( I must've had a thing for guys named william)...and of course...John Mayer...I was 16...I was able to fantasize, right?

I remember staying after school for Softball Practice, Marching Band, OM, or heading to the gold course in my 1995 Honda Civic ( May you rest in pieces my dear dear car)

And on a day like this, as I listen to 3 doors down...I remember the storms rolling in.

Since I've been in Chile I've experienced maybe one or two storms...but mostly during the winter...

not like this, during spring.

I remember sitting outside of EHS and seeing those black clouds coming, and this sudden fear swallowing me whole ( I'm terrified of tornadoes) and not sure if I wanted to head home or sit there and watch it happen.

I remember driving down the one main road in Tappahannock and having this mini panic attack thinking perhaps I should head home.

But I have a confession. I may deep down be a thrill seeker...because when I was on 360 or rt.17....I loved being caught in a storm. I loved that rush, the need to focus and the striking fear piercing my heart as it started to rain and I began to not see the road. I loved being able to put myself in focus mode , cranking my radio, and just driving. Hearing that thunder and seeing that lightning. As if it was all some odd video game I had to win.

I don't know.

As I slowly get back to who I was before Valentin.....I feel the need to write.

I feel as if i don't let these thoughts out, I may go crazy...I was going crazy.

So I'm not sure if it's such a  great idea remembering everything. Remembering those 13 year old sensations.

But maybe it's what I need to do right now.

Hair Dye

I dyed my hair again.

Last year I made the decision to let it grow. Let that dark brown hair I loathed so much as a child flourish and finall accept who I am.

To put away that 15 year girl that desperately wanted to fit in so she began to make herself...ruibio....and later to straighten it just to blend in more. To be accepted. To be wanted.

But it never worked.

But niether has this pathetic attempt to accept who I am.

How will I ever accept this timid pudgy thing if no one else will? How will I battle these insecurities when the moment I'm finally coming out for air I'm smashed back into my hole.

My hole where I just watch everything I wanted and desired be taken away like so many times before.

Just when I thought I'd be saved.

Saved from these aweful thoughts screaming that I'm not good enough , that I'm destined to be alone and forced to replace all my pain with a smile...just so everyone will think I'm strong and okay.

I keep going. Like Always. I know how to try to push these thoughts into the back of my head, but when I see you....it rushes all back...reminding me that I wasnt good enough...and for some reason...out of nowhere...you didnt need me in your life.

But now you're integrated. Unlike before...I allowed you so far into my life, that you're everywhere. And destiny has this cruel way of bringing you into my path everyday, even when I'm trying to avoid your beautiful smile and captivating stare.

I want to be free of you but instead I'm tortured.

I've started over so many times that I dont want to now. I dont want to change the people I'm with or the things I love just to heal my mind for a second and have a moment of peace without you.

I'm gonna have to deal with this . Watching as you slowly kill me from the inside.

So I dyed my hair. I've become the recluse again. And I'm gone.

The Kristol that tried so hard to find herself and be happy.
The Kristol that was finally finding her social identity, living the way she knew she deserved.
The Kristol That for once wasnt afraid..

was kidnapped and stuffed inside of a crystal ball .

No good deed goes unpunished screams Elphaba...

and she was right.

Only the Wicked get the happy ending in my story.

Look at how she listens,she says nothing of what she thinks...

Her.That girl.The one over there.The one tossing her hair and captivating all the energy in the room.
That 20 something that thinks she's independent because she's living alone...but doesn't know how to pay her own bills.The one making you fall in love with her and her false confidence.
That 30 something with her own car. The one that just left the clutches of her parents but doesn't know how to make a decent meal....unless it's in a box ...of course. The one that's seducing you with her fake independence.
Or perhaps that one over there,that's using you tonight for that attention she craves. The one who knows how to manipulate the situation. Act as if she knows exactly what you're talking bout when really she's never had an opinion of her own.

Always, that one, stealing you're heart.

...


And then there's me.

The one that's learned that flirtation is Her worst enemy. Every time she takes a risk she's rejected once again and made to crawl back into her hermit shell.

The one that's never been given that chance.She's stuck being

Too young
Too old
Too innocent
Too opinionated
Too fat
Too tall
Too serious

The one that no matter how hard you try to fight your demons,you're pushed right into their arms again.

I cant seem to get away from it. 28 and I'm always rushed back to that basement. The one where there are a bunch of 12 year olds. Each one staring at you whispering"Why is she here?"

"Because my mother made me."

That moment that you're sitting in the corner, with lumps in your throat...trying to plan your escape path to the stairs to run to the bathroom to cry and then cold water on your face...all because yet again...no one wants to dance with you. The only girl sitting alone. Because they all want to dance with her. That girl. The one over there. The one that's not you.

Always on repeat.

Different people.different music.different decade.

But repeated.

All to come home to a hopeful mother asking
..." And?no kiss?"

No mother... That wouldn't occur for another 11 years... Where even then I was too ashamed to admit the only reason it happened was because he was desperate and drunk.

Never for the right reasons. Never good enough to have you kiss me and stay. Never good enough to have you kiss me and be happy with me . Never good enough for you...

I'm just here when You're
Lonely
Bored
Passing the time
Waiting

Waiting for her. The one over there. The one that's not me.