I've always helped others, given them courage, ideas, revised/rewritten assignments, even done other peoples work..and where did this all get me? Stuck. I'm not ignorant or dumb. I know if I had more motivation in other subjects I could have excelled , but I didn't. I've never been a very happy person ( which I know now is my fault for the most part ) so I wanted to pursue the one thing that has ever helped ME in life and did make me feel at ease, but as my biggest fear has settled in, that won't be possible. I failed. But what makes me bitter, I didn't fail in the manner I expected, but in a manner that was completely out of my hands.
Perhaps this is some unviersal power finally knocking me out at the end of the fight, telling me I should have listened years ago when I began it. I want to kick and scream like a toddler yelling IT'S NOT FAIR.
Why the sudden outburst? Despite a major realization occurring last night concerning my now mediocre future ( unless a miracle occurs,)I am currently, as always, helping someone with their work. Not any work, but a grad assignment. This person will be achieving his/her certifications/diploma rather soon....the same person who can't write a decent collegiate essay, one of which I am in the process of rewriting. This is my life. Watching everyone else in my life graduate, succeed, when I am most likely going to stay in this house and work in the area until I can make enough money to leave. But where? I can try as much as I can to improve on my horn but who is going to hire someone without a degree. Also, IF I can find a job in the teaching world via private schooling....I am never going to escape. Not that this is a bad thing, but I will be fulfilling my second fear in life...staying in Virginia..or worse...Tappahannock.
Thus is why I may be hiding for a while. I need to let my pride die with ease and let my brain function without other distractions. ...
...and within the next few days. I'm going to pray for a miracle.
