Prayer. I'm praying that this meeting will be the solution to all of this.
I'm sitting here listening to Jimmy Buffet. I can remember being 4 years old and listening to my dad's cassete tape over and over again in my room. Calmness. Just Breathe. Beauty.
This perhaps is me just boasting but I'm finally done with classes for the year!!! And to top it off, I only had to take my Jury, I was exempt from all others ( including a 7 in music history..the equivalent to a 100). I'm just uber relieved. Other than that, I have one more awesome concert in the GAM to top off an amazing concert season with DUAM ,and had my last concert last night with Puente Alto which actually sounded a little better than usual.Today I have one last English class and then I have to do all the fun end of the year reports. I thought last year was a pain with 5 reports...now its 10...eh...tis life. It shall be interesting and worth it. I have only one week left, which includes a nice beach day with friends and doing my typical family tour before heading home. I just need a vacation. I can't remember the last day I had absolutely no responsibility. I want to go home . I want to spend one day not worrying about cleaning after someone. One day sleeping in. One day not making lesson plans. I plan to take advantage of being with my family and friends, happy this year, practicing my butt off and reading all the music history books I can haha. Happy Holidays everyone! I'll be back in January/February.
Have you ever noticed how cool and soothing pistachio green is? It may be perhaps my favorite shades of green. A tad on the pearly side...yet soothing.
Its a full moon they say. I haven't look out the window. I've been too busy taking advantage for the first time in a long time I am alone and at peace.
It gives me time to reflect.
The other day was Thanksgiving, and for the first time in 3 years I was able to celebrate it. When my friend invited me the night before I immediately became ecstatic. I woke up the next morning....did my usual routine...breakfast..workout..clean apt...cook lunch for the boyfriend and I..and then it was OPPA THANKSGIVING STUFFING TIME. The stuffing was a hit and as we sat at the table, us "gringos" began talking about Thanksgiving memories and what we were thankful for this year.
So these are the things I am thankful for.
1-I started ( and ended 2011) with a horrible situation. I ( along with family and friends) was being stalked and harassed by a person that I only hope one day will realize their error. Months later. I am free from this. I got the help I needed, unfortunately with no solution due to this person no being contactable, but it is over. I have put it in the past, and despite losing so many materialistic things, I was taught valuable lessons. I was taught to not trust just anyone, and that some people will feed off of negativity and drama to spew their own lies to harm others. I am beyond thankful this person gave me the opportunity to fight for what I knew was right therefore showing myself the confidence and knowledge I may have never dug that deep into finding in my soul.
2- School. This may have been my most productive and successful year academically since I was in elementary school. I was challenged but in subjects that I love. Amongst these classes I realized where my true passion stood. Where one's "natural talent" comes into play when choosing a career path. I may have done A LOT of juggling ( still have a full week of concert/exams/work/rehearsals/classes torture left) but i was some how able to keep my head above the water.
3-My Chilean friends. Now over one year with these kids and they cease to amaze me. They have all been loyal and have shown such care that I have literally cried at times. They've helped me through my roughest moments this year , running to my aid. All of them. We've all grown a lot in one year, becoming more professional and starting this thing called relationships, but yet we still fit time within our busy schedules for one another. We take advantage of the time we have together. Two months without them are gonna be even harder this year.
4- My American friends. There's still a good handful that keep up with me. I shouldn't mention ( and I almost cant because I know I'll most likely leave people out) so I'm gonna stick to the top 3. Krystle, Tim, and Yvonne. Yvonne , when she can, gives me crazy updates on her travels. We discuss Glee pretty much every week and her random images that she sends make me chuckle just when I need it most. Tim is still there...the awkward..alone...in the corner...with me...judging the world. We may not be so alone anymore, but we still rant and lean on one another when there's a moment to breathe. Krystle...despite her lack in communication skills via facebook chat...which she is HIGHLY aware of....we attempt to stay updated. The best thing about our conversations is that they're completely comfortable.They're in a dialogue as if we were speaking face to face, about random things that may have no connection at all but we get it. I miss having her near. I dont have someone to text every random awkward moment to or have someone to go to the mall with. I dont have someone to sing karaoke with...whether it be at a bar or in the apt..and I dont have that person that understands me completely. Where words arent needed or worse....sentences cant be finished without having two people finishing it.....So I'm thankful I still have her and all my friends from the states still in my life. ( kelly,marcus,jason,stephanie.....) Its hard to keep up not only when I rarely get online but when I cant even see these people during the year. They have so much patience with me.
5-my boyfriend.Never thought I'd write about that one. Our entire relationship is a rocky moment but its easing up. We're learning how to be in a relationship, seeing that neither of has have actually had one. To me, he becomes more attractive every day. The fact I'm a realist and he's a dreamer makes us clash a lot as well, but his naivety is what i adore about him. And to contradict that...his wiseness as well. We share the same thoughts, philosophies. But most of all. I like it when he's hugging me...
6-Alberto. My horn. I've progressed so much. I cant believe I'm the same person as when P Smith was shooting me down. Perhaps I'm not, which is why I've grown with the horn. I have an amazing professor that teaches to think and appreciate not to become a machine or his clone. I've been the first horn in a youth orch. that's helped me gain confidence and prove to myself I CAN play that solo in Huapango and hit that high A as if it was nothing. The Orquesta de Camara DUAM as done so much more than just help me grown as a hornist but as a person as well. Miguel Angel has had so much patience with me over the past 2 years having faith that I'll keep progressing and hitting me with some pieces I felt I wasn't ready for but ended up being able to survive through. Alvaro has been an amazing ( and will be an excellent) teacher. Having his as my horn partner for 2 years in not only this group has given that comfort and help me go at a pace that was right for me and with his guidance he keeps me on the edge. Overall.I'm just happy that its working out. That I'm beating the demons I had within that were killing me. That I'm finally truly enjoying the horn.
7-My Students.
This year I got to teach not only English, but trumpet and horn as well. I could write an entire other entry on how grateful I am for this opportunity, perhaps another day...but for today...I am thankful that these children are what brighten my day. They give me hope that perhaps I'm not a failure and I can actually make a difference little by little. They confide in me, tease me, laugh, play but in the end they all give me respect and progress...which is all a teacher looks for. I love them.
8-As cliche as this is, Its the most important. I'm thankful for my family.Mamma writes to me every day ( i had to get facebook on my phone just so she wouldn't freak when I didn't get online.) Melanie tags me in random things. Daddy pops up with his shiny head at times on video, and my aunts and uncles write to me every now and then. Some more than others..depending on how technological they are....
There have been obstacles. Neither one of my parents have had the best of health...but as of recently we've been getting some of the best news than ever...not exaggerating. My mother's diabetes is almost stable after a horrid 26 years immense struggle. I lost someone that I'll never get to say goodbye to..but I hope to do it in my own way when I get home..
Most of all, I'm thankful to be breathing. With all the scandals ,election talk, end of the world mumble jumbo...I've allowed my mind to really think...what does this all mean to me? Within that I have really looked into myself as to who I am as a christian...a STRONG christian...and who I am through my own personal beliefs and philosophies. I;m thankful God gives me a brain and free will to think of my own , love him ,and yet every day accept whatever kind of person is in front me.
This year was a long one but a year of growth. What are you thankful for? As typical as that question is. Have you changed? Grown? Anything interesting occur?I dont know...I enjoy conversation....yall know that...
Here's some calm music to listen to and reflect. Twas the soundtrack as I wrote...
*WARNING-PUBLIC SERVICE RANT* Pretty sure this is all in Revelations ( don't kick me on the bible reference)....so sad :-(....we just gotta live life , everything's in God's hands ( for those who believe in such thing.), and not worry so much about politics,whether we all have the same religious views, and if we're getting paid enough. If the world is gonna go to war...we need to just live. Enjoy everything you're given, take the opportunities you can, but don't bash others, there's no point to it. If there are multiple countries under nuclear threat with other countries.........you never know how far the taking advantage of power can get and may lead to eventually destroying the little bit of humanity we have left.Why the insight all of a sudden??? Because I have a breaking point. I'm a very patient person...but with all the bashing after the election by so called "Christians" fighting one another coming from the states...and all the protesting here....I break.The other day I was talking to someone who had just visited Cuba. The people admit that life is horrible but are grateful for the little advantages they have.They have no food to eat today, but a free education in hopes of a different future ( dont you dare compare that to the Chilean strikes bc I have yet to meet a Chilean INVOLVED with the protests..bc there's a difference...that doesn't eat 3 meals a day). There is tons of danger at night, but are happy they have a house to keep them safe. They are " happy " people. They live their lives day to day.Then you look at the people of Chile that have an economy better that many, and everyday someone is complaining about something to get the masses behind them and "fight". Then you have the U.S where there's already so much hate, and those who should be the BRINGERS of peace..aka, Christians, are the ones making the biggest divide by trying to separate their state just because they're unhappy with an election result and others making sure their hatred for "liberals" is blatantly shown. People are ridiculous. Which is why I 1- have no political party ( I believe in whats right for humanity and is logical...parties only make you have to chose the person who's right not the idea that is right) 2-Am an open minded Christian. I Chose to live life based on the teachings of the bible and the philosophy Jesus tried to pass along, bu which so unfortunately has been thrown out because they're too "new age" and "greek".Therefore I live my life based to how I think He'd prefer, know that I'm a sinner and accept everyone. EVERYONE and TRY to not pass judgement..which is extremely hard as this rant is full of judgement. 3-Opinion is Opinion, nothing to be taken personally. I enjoy a healthy debate, because it is the only way to learn not only about others, but a lot about oneself, but I keep opinion separate from personal emotions toward someone. Onions don't change, no one is wrong unless they put themselves above everyone else. I think I shall put this all on my blog now. cleatonkl.blogspot.com This rant is perhaps done. Tis now time to workout, get so fresh and so clean clean, teach some little girls brass instruments, later play my own brass instrument in a concert and al fin, head to san fernando withe Orquesta de Puente Alto. Taking a deep breath and releasing all the negativity. Have a good day everyone!!!!
I hate confrontation.Especially with people who think they're right when the evidence is against them. I'm sorry.I was always taught to clean your living space everyday. Vacuum, mop, dust. Wash dishes immediately, dry them immediately if can. I have a major problem with a dirty kitchen and bathroom. But for some reason...she thinks she's mrs. clean in this apt. Just because once every 3 months she does her version of a "deep clean" which is no where near to mine, I just got tired of doing it. Ok..the frying pan isnt clean...thats my fault..sorry...but really? thats what is your evidence against? a burnt frying pan and that means I dont live up to your cleaning standard? I sorry...but I know how to clean. I have a rather ocd-ish problem with the idea. So dont try to shove your anger down my throat when its false. Ok? Thanks. rant DONE.
There are times I miss being home for the summer so much that I cant breathe and this lump just forms in my throat with no escape. Maybe its the nostalgia of summer. But it drives me crazy for miliseconds.
The two worst topics to bring up at the dinner table, why? Pride and fear. No one wants to change their opinion, and they should never have to because opinion is all based on perception, how our lives and experiences have molded our minds, but what about what happens when we make ourselves superior and feel that our opinion is not an opinion, its the answer?
The odd thing with all this is that politics and religions come as one, should that really be so? Just because I'm a devote Christian doesn't mean I have to have the same political beliefs as another. And yes, I am Christian. I'll tell that to anyone who asks, but to shock those who are rather close minded..guess what, I have my own mind.One of my best friends doesn't believe in God, I have friends who are Jews, I have friends that are extremely right winged military and others who are as communist as Fidel Castro. But they are my friends. Does God look down on me for this? Has he shunned me thinking that birth control is a right as well as being pro-choice? I don't know, have no idea, and NEITHER DO YOU. But what I do know are two simple things that are mentioned nonstop in the bible...1- Unlike other religions, we were given FREE WILL. We have the choice, as humans, to think what we want and react upon it without being judged because only one entity is allowed to do the judging, and as far as I know...you are not God. 2-We are FORGIVEN of our sins when we are finally at the moment of judgement. I'm not saying that I can go about knowingly living a sinful life, but if I live my life according to how I interpret the bible's TEACHINGS ( which is a whole other issue people would LOVE to argue bc many forget that the bible itself, physically, was used as commonly law at its time, therefore the actual teachings are "skewed" and the message is mixed in within the law) I know what I will have in my portfolio to show to God at the end.
We have no idea what God thinks, we can only live to what we feel he has tried to teach us, and testify/witness.Now. I don't think the definition to testify is..shove what you know down someone's throat until the agree to believe it just to make you happy not God. I'm pretty sure that's more of inhumane torture. I don't know. Just saying. And if God did give us free will, everyone has the right to believe what they want, therefore, how can politics force our Christian values onto someone else. And I use Values rather loosely, since there are various "christian morals" within the political system that really aren't christian but more traditional views. But again, another topic.
I would love to get a little debate going, or even just an enlightened discussion ( I rather the latter.) Play nice, because no opinion should engulf your soul. No one should get outraged for someone else having a different opinion...we should always see debates as a moment of self discovery. We all have opinions but it isnt until we really start digging to defend that opinion do we realize why we believe so strongly in those bunches of words.
thats all. It's a holiday here in Chile, so in typical Chilean fashion, nothing is open and I'm stuck in the house.I needed my mind to be productive so I wrote.
I know that's a little dramatic...but...I'm not far from that feeling. I'm terrified. If I can get through this semester I will have proven to myself I have defeated one of my biggest demons. Sitting here looking at all the sheet music I have to learn from here until October I'm feeling very overwhelmed..and then I remember ..it doesn't stop there...I'm booked up until I go home in December. I never thought I'd get to this point, make me only wonder what will happen if I can get through it. Everything is so different now, even from a year ago. It amazes me how life is always evolving, always developing a new course or fine tuning an older one. I'm uber intimidated, but have to remind myself. I've got to this point because people have faith in me to fulfill the tasks. Time to let Alberto out of his comfort zone....
My Pet Peeves...
-Not washing dishes immediately ( the only time I USED to leave dishes dirty- because I loathe it now unless sick- is when someone else has left their mess there....I cant even bring myself to do that now)
-Leaving the kitchen(or any room at that) a wreck. Is it really that hard to put things away the second you've used them? And what about cleaning the counter before you eat your food..it takes 2 seconds..and nothing is left to crust
-Leaving every light on...there's something called conserving energy AND money.( Also did you know a tv uses more energy than a laptop and radio combined?..)
-Leaving a mess in general. If you move something, put it back right after. Again. Not that hard. We're all decent Human beings ( or I would like to think so) so act like it.
-Not hanging towels. ......I'm frightened to even think I'd have to explain that.
-Leaving the toilet seat up...plain lack of manners/upbringing
-Wasting food. Why are you gonna let something go bad in the fridge(I'm not talking about once in a while)? Are you that fortunate that you can let something go rotten..therefore wasting the money?
-If you are a guest...don't make someone buy you food or make something for you to eat. Most of the time if there's no food to give you..there's a reason.
Now I'm not directing this to anyone ( don't want my roomate thinking this rant is all about her, haha) On this rainy drowsy day I began thinking a little in depth about my annoyances. There are of course tons of other things, but I guess since I've become extremely tidy over the years, its the habit I notice more..lack of tidiness.
I know this blog was as random as can be...but I'm BEYOND bored.
OKAY. I'm finally down to about a size 12 ( Haven't been this size since I was probably 15/16) yet I lack any shape...therefore making it pointless to be a size 12....then your belly fat still hangs when you sit down. While I was home for the summer/winter I was doing the Tiffany Rothe workouts via youtube. They definately made a difference...but the fact I gained about 16 pounds while home defeated the purpose of gaining slight definition. Since I've been back I've lost a good amount ( 10 pounds almost instantly..I'm telling you...now I understand why everyone critics the American Lifestyle to being such a fat society....its not the fault of the consumer...its culture and what we are given to eat...) but I need to lose more. I'm tired of being so out of shape, so the war starts NOW. Since Monday I've been back on my workout routine and today starts the lemon-water only "diet" ..haven't decided to fast or not...but the fact that I may be sans food for a day or two...might be used to my advantage. I'm not big on diets...but we'll just go with the flow...BUT I will try to stick to only lemon water as my beverage...no lemonade...lemon water. I already drink practically just water....but adding lemon to burn some fat wont hurt...now will it? Lets see how it goes. Wish me luck!!!
I'm nowhere against my own government or the free nations of this world, because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to post this right now...but I am against society and the lack to learn or obtain knowledge. Therefore I share these things. This video has SO MUCH of my own beliefs that I was in awe that there was proof to my suspicions.I've been told to be careful as to what I share from what I learn, to not stir the boat..but was it not the great philosophers such as Socrates and Plato that saw ignorance to only be the cause of never being enlightened, that the great evil in the world is to not the share the knowledge you are taught?
(found this while surfing the web...found it to be beautiful...)
A good family name or respect is EARNED, not bought. No matter how much money someone has or how high they put themselves doesn't give them the right to threaten others.I come from a very well respected family, on both sides, both of which have taught me that patience and the truth wins in the end. We must fight for whats right and not give up. Materials are replaceable. This is about integrity and maltreatment. Praying that tomorrow is one step closer to finding a solution.
There are some people who have to fight their entire lives, go against what they're told they can't do and negative vibes caused by bitterness and pure bad luck. I was thinking about this after I had an amazing lesson . Last week I had a horrible performance experience, which may have cost me a scholarship, because I let a witch, along with her streams of lies, engulf my mind to the breaking point.Though I finally put myself together, I may have damaged something in consequence. Later that week I was told about an ugly accusation on false terms made towards me by someone I respected, this just lowered my self esteem. The weekend was full of bad decisions on my part just try to forget that perhaps I had messed up once again, but then new week started. I picked up my Alberto and just played. Spent some time with some amazing musicians/friends during and after rehearsals and allowed myself to trust my playing. On Tuesday we had an amazing concert ( now..I didn't say perfect...but the atmosphere was amazing, all good vibes and smiles) and today I had the best lesson I've had since I've been in Chile. My professor told me something that made me realize that I need to not listen to those negative people, and just play like I know how, not to sike myself out.
On my way home I thought, this is worth all the pain. I have friends out there who are going through even worse situations but they are pushing their ways through it. Some of the closest people in my life are questioning so many things while others are taking what has been thrown at them and fighting it with strength. These are the people I admire most. I am reminded I am not the only one who has to fight for what they want and that if these people can have so much strength through extreme times, I can too.
I say this because there are those who appreciate nothing in their life. They don't realize how easy are the cards they've been given and just live life as if its a game, stressing if a fly is sitting on their nose. They live a false life, one with no substance. It can also be said tho this is all by perception. What I might find as resovlable problem may seem impossible to someone else. It is all based on how we've lived our lives...either by the luck of the draw or how God has wanted us to live it ( another idea based on perception.) It just has me thinking. How would life have been if I had taken an easier route? And, Are obstacles such as misunderstandings and negative thinking put into our lives to make us appreciate the outcome of our hardwork?
Oh well. Life never stops, there shall always be something to ponder over. If not, it would be rather boring, now wouldnt it?
Discuss if you'd like. Always interested to hear other opinions.
Some people are poison and only the weak succumb. I know where I stand and have no fear. I too can play with fire, the only difference? I have truth on my side, threats have no meaning to me.
It's been one month since I've been back...going on my 3rd year. I'm finally settling into the new place. I may not have all my things YET ( I'm sorry to bust your bubble...but lies and threats don't win in whatever world you live) but I'm making things homey. Today I finished putting Invictus on my wall along with other little signs. My students notebooks are done and organized, and I've finished my first week of classes ( happier in the new atmosphere) . I'm still not fully into the rhythm, but despite it being and even more hectic year...I have a good feeling. I have some matters of the heart to settle among other things, but as I firmly believe, everything will turn out ok if its meant to be that way. Now. time to sleep. I shall leave whoever is reading with some old school clips ( I've been watching my "favorites" playlist on youtube....it varied from beethoven's 9th to race the sun. I love the inconsistency in my life.
p.s.......yes...I was given the mic several times during this song....oh to be young again. hahaha.
There are times I feel as if I'm fighting against a lost cause. Some people are meant to get what they want...and others are meant to settle. I'm not allowed to want to be wanted.Especially by whom my heart wants. I just gotta take what I can get.
Have you ever listened to that song? Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyd? Take a moment and just look it up. It may not be your style...southern rock...but just listen to the lyrics.My favorite being " Troubles will come and they will pass".....
People try too hard to over dramatize their life. Be happy with what you have and worry about the things that have true meaning in your life. Why the need to hold your pride over others or let jealousy take over to the point you feel the need to hurt others.
People are petty. Liars fall to their own lies. And the bitter end up alone.
Live life.
I'm beyond excited to be going back, not only to see my friends but to get some things finally settled.
I've enjoyed my two months here and it's made me realize lots of things ( too lazy to go into explanation mode at the moment.). I appreciate my friends even more, though they are dwindling with every visit, but those who matter the most are still here. I've let some feelings from the past come up to the surface which have led me to regret actions from the past, but it all happens for a reason :-) I may not be where I am now if I had made those different decisions. eh. random thoughts for another day. I'll miss everyone from here..see yall in 10 months...and I can't wait to see my friends in Santiago. Punto.
OK. SO here's the deal. I have an audition coming up ( a pretty big one to me) and I need as much criticism as possible.As for the blogger portion of this.... If you don't know...I have HORRIBLE performer's anxiety. It's haunted me for as long as I can remember but then turned severe under a certain situation in college. Since, I've been improving under and awesome horn professor/performer, but even playing in front of the camara gets my heart rushing a little. Luckily playing in Puente Alto has really boosted my confidence and DUAM has gotten me comfortable playing with an advanced group of musicians, but ensemble playing ultimately isn't what get's you accepted into a conservatory or wins you the scholarships.Perhaps this is why I feel as if Sarah Willis has become my horn idol. She's open about her anxiety with playing solos and how she prefers to play in ensembles. Love.her.
But...back to the videos. I'm trying to tackle my fear by memorizing the pieces and knowing them in and out( Don't let the music stand fool you...it's a security blanket for the most part ) . As for the typical offenses...I plead guilty. 1)Rushing 2)Intonation 3) Made up Rhythms 4) Blurps/wrong notes. Despite me already knowing this....PLEASE be specific...be bruuuttal. Unfortunately I don't have the third movement well enough to memorize yet .Also..any kind of suggestions as to how passages go are very much welcomed.
Mozart Horn Concerto 3
Movement I:
Mozart Horn Concerto 3
Movement II:
To be added at a later point once I can upload it to youtube....
Once again HONEST CRITICISM. I need to put myself out there and not be afraid of it. Also..to spice up comments...what was your worst audition experience? There's gotta be some funny stories out there!!
The truth is always victorious over lies, therefore,I have no fear. Those who lie to feed their own bitterness lose in the end. Calmness and Truth. The.End.
I believe in God. I believe in Energy. I believe in Karma. I feel as if there are so many things in this life worth experiencing and so much responsibility that we must take on along with the life we live, that worrying about the smaller insignificant occurances are not worth a spot on my timeline. This may seem ignorant, arrogant, but take of it what you may. Life is too important to worry about the woes of those who are selfish or to worry about those whom are bitter about their own life and aim to hinder others. Karma plays out in the end, or better yet, the energy of this world plays out.
I haven't written in months, my best excuse being, I've been just way too busy. 2011 was an AMAZING year for me. Yes, it may have been one of the roughest financially,emotionally, and physically ( losing 40 pounds on the fact I had no money can definitely take its toll, haha ) but to be honest, in the end, it was amazing. And why you may ask? I put my faith that everything works out in the end.Along with the troubles I met an amazing group of people and have been blessed with certain opportunities in my two passions, music and teaching. I have taught myself how to navigate around an epic capital city, watched history ( whether I agreed with the actions or not ) unravel before my eyes, and still have those who mean the most to me in my life. My family has had its share of obstacle, but things are finally starting to look up.....coincidentally...just as the new year begins.
Life is a puzzle, no matter what is your strategy, whether you start by trying to form the outer edges or just focusing on the main picture....one will still get confused, try to fit the wrong pieces in certain spots, and may even lose some underneath of the couch for a week or two. In the end, you figure it out, you find those pieces, and realize what piece goes where. Not always, but in some way, it all works out. Thus being why I firmly believes everything pans out. Let those who hurt you rapidly leave your mind. They're not worth the time to worry. Situations that inevitable , if seen with patience and a calm mind, will be figured out in due time. Let the bitter be bitter. Enjoy life. Cry when you need to . Stress when its absolutely the only answer. But calm yourself down. If you have the right answer, path, it will work out.
What is your take on all of this? Is it all karma or coincidence?Faith or by chance? And what is response to those who hurt you? Is revenge better done as an action or to let things fade into the background sounds? Have your go at it :-)
