But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...

We all have characteristics passed down from our parents. But what about the characteristics others will assume were passed down?how does that affect how we perceive ourselves? I just got done getting ready for the day, as in...I was already dressed in a hoodie, unwashed hairy,no make-up...but then decided perhaps since people visiting today and we might go out shopping tonight , I should look more presentable. And that's what got me thinking....what's presentable?

A habit that has been passed down from my mother was that I always feel like I need to look "presentable" whenever I leave the house...or atleast this habit has grown on me as I've gotten older. A hoodie and a messy bun is considered presentable to many people, I'm completely fine seeing people being even more bummy with that, no judgement, and to be honest ,what I was wearing earlier was actually fine for my mother ( She approved via skype webcam.) But the people visiting today were VERY close to my mother. They knew her during her prime , and for those of you who don't know ,my mother was ( and still is :-) ) EXTREMELY beautiful. Homecoming Queen status. She's always been the perfect blend of tom boy meet femininity. I , unfortunately, have always been on the clumsy , look-like-a-mess track when it comes to looks, but with age have at least attempted to become more presentable to her standards. But why didn't I feel comfortable in something she approved of?

First impressions. That's the best way I can put it. I've met them before, but I was with my mother. I've learned from many experiences from the past that when I accompany someone else I'm usually not the one that gets remembered as clearly, therefore when I meet people for the first time alone....I find that as their actual first impression. I want to live up to the memory they have of my mother...and for me it takes a little more work. haha. But it's just odd to think how all of a sudden I feel this pressure to be "pretty."

What I'm getting at isn't vanity, haha. My mother is beautiful therefore when I'm making an impression on people from her past I feel the need to let the characteristics I inherited from her come through. I make sure my eyes are done up, I look a little more put together, feminine, and attempt to come off strong not aggressive. Growing up I had to impress those on my father's side, therefore I always went more toward his characteristics I possessed. I made more of an effort to be humble, quiet , yet observant. I just learned how to turn on some characteristics depending on the situation. I enjoy the idea of controlling my actions but at the same time it'd become such a habit that it's a burden. I'm the kind of person who thinks way too much before act on something. I always found this interesting and have always wondered, how do other people deal with this?

Do you control your actions? Or do you just let whatever shows show? And do you think it's all heriditary, or a bit of nature vs. nurture debate?

A true performer is their own worst critic...

At least that's what I've always been taught and have always fully believed in. In life we're always learning, we should always be looking for ways to expand our intellect and being...why not do this with our profession as well?Musicians should respect one another, we all have at least one trait that another person doesn't have, how? Music is filled with emotion, creativity, personality...none of which you can teach, only feel, therefore why would one look down upon another musician? I'm not talking about disliking a complete music jock who thinks they're the best thing since Tuckwell or Brain, those are the performers I'm semi directing this too. Today I saw some VERY unprofessional behavior amongst some fellow horn players. I'm not going to go into to detail, but what makes one think that they're have the right to snicker and smirk behind an educator of almost 40 years? Was just because she was american or a female horn player?

I love to observe how a musician teaches, learn how their own brain ticks and the techniques that has helped them. What makes it even more worthwhile is to watch an educator explain techniques. It's easy to find musicians but I feel VERY difficult to find an educator amongst that world. I've been blessed this go 'round to have Professor Brown, so far he's taught me more than 4 semesters of lessons elsewhere ( but I will say this in fairness..to each their own, so what works for ya works for ya) , but Professor Klock from Umass has her own quarky personality that I absolutely loved. Yes, you may feel as if you're in a kindergarten classroom at times with her eccentric energy, but doesn't that make sense why it works? Shouldn't we feel comfortable while playing?She explained this concept of associating a part with a color. I've heard this before and I've always loved it. I'm a very visual person and colors have always been something that I do categorize things as, but I do understand not everyone has that kind of mind. Nothing wrong with it...just respect the idea.Don't throw obnoxious glares to an idea you haven't tried. I just find it aggravating that there will always be this elitist attitude among amazing players. Yes .....you have an amazing sound...but how will you ever appreciate your art if you're not open to new ideas?Then again I guess it's due to this kind of attitude that gives the rest of us motivation. Or maybe just myself. I've always had this bad habit of wanting to prove myself and trying until there are just no other possibilities.

Who knows why these sentiments occur, but what are your feelings on the musician mentality. Is there a time you've earned the right to be "better than others" or is there always some room for improvement? I seriously wouldn't mind reading these opinions pllleeaase :-)

rambling to keep myself occupied and not think...

Second post of the day...so instead of being philosophical I shall just type. Sometimes I do wonder if one day I'm going to look back on posts and think " wow..that was a lot of B.S." or..."oooo shouldnt have written that." But oh well. Tis life. I actually like the fact how I dont really set out to discuss something, I just let whatever is taking over run its course...tis fun.

So today was nice...freezing, but nice. I know the complaining about the cold may be getting a little annoying....but, it happens. It started a little patchy seeing that I was 20 minutes late for class...Wednesday morning are the worst! haha Public transportation is a huge cage fight of cattle...best way to explain it.Despite my tardiness class was fun, still having to work on the melodic dictation :-X..but It's getting there. We started harmonic intervals today. YAY!

Tomorrow will be exciting. I'm suppose to go with my cousin to look at an apartment. Don't get me wrong, I'm really liking where I am now. The guys are UBER nice. I just enjoy doing things completely on my own. That little ounce of freedom. We're all just little kids desperately wanting to be grown ups. Right?I'm just really excited, it makes things official if I get my own place. Nice feeling.

maybe then I wont be online as much and then I can buy my weeeights!!I really miss getting a good workout. I wish I would've realized when I was younger that I'm internally an athletic person, haha. But I'm ok with being the music geek I've become.

And this is my mind just rambling.

and my left ear is burning :-(....boooo

Becoming One with the Curls

Ultimate FAIL. I'm currently sitting in la biblioteca de la facultad but unfortunately can't get wifi.I was able to connect to the UChile server....yet it's saying not accessable..argh. I can't figure it out. If it wasn't completely obvious that I wasn't Chilean I'd have a little more courage to go ask the little old lady working behind the desk. Maybe one of my companeros will walk in... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

In the meantime I shall listen to itunes and just post this later ( accompanied by boredom pics while at la facultad)

While I was drying my hair at 7 am and watching my curls become bigger...and bigger...I began thinking,one must embrace the curls. Now before you think this entry is going to be about how I've tamed my hair...just hear me out...I've actually got a point . When I was a toddler my hair was liso, straight and smooth. Impossible to believe? I was born with nearly black ,straight, frizzless hair. Later on things changed, first came the frizz and then the curls began to appear. The curls began coming in when I was about 8....it wouldnt take a good 6 years til my mother and I accepted this and another 6 until I began finding ways to tame it. During those 12 years I let everyone tell me what to do with my hair. Whether it was my mother brushing through my hair every morning, myself brushing in between every class period ( because I wanted to desperately be part of the blonde haired-perfect girl- group) , taking it personaly when I was made fun of for my mane ,or putting as much product as possible because thats what hairdressers told me...I had no way of understanding the beast upon my head. Luckily I figured out ways by myself to fix it and for the first time ever, this morning I looked in the mirror and thought, "hey....they can actually come off pretty ..sometimes."

To appreciate things we need to come to conclusions by ourselves. People do what they think is right by giving advice, helping, but it isnt until we come to a conclusion on our that we can fully appreciate whatever we had a problem with in the first time. This may take years, even after a personal decision is made, it's just hard for those who have "gone through it" to remember that it is your mind, not theirs. We all have this urge to protect others, constantly saying that they shouldnt do this or that, but how do we expect the recipient to ever learn for themselves? We're a generation stuck between independence and spoiled. We're coddled in many ways, see this, and then blame our parents for trying to control us....while at the same time we're criticizing this new generation for thier naivety and lack of culture. I read an article a couple years back concerning freshmen move in day. This mother was telling the story of how when she moved in her son, her and her husband stayed with him all day helping him find his way around campus and settle in. This reminded me of when I moved into Johnson.....I was grateful for the fact that my father walked all the way to Ukrops on Harrison and West Grace ( yea...it used to seem like it was miles away/ doesn't exist anymore) to find me random "necessities" for my room...but I was also internally screaming because I was ready to settle in..alone. I've always tried to value that we learn things on our own. This "new generation"( whether they will admit to it or not ) of college kids, the disney generation, were protected so much and influenced by an uncertain society that they see things from the surface, they haven't had time to explore thier subconcious. I try to remind myself when I get frustrated with "the youngins" it's just because they need to mature, they need to learn, experience. Of course I'm not taking myself out of this equation, we're all constantly learning and with each generation we're becoming more and more acceptable to procrastinating reality and adulthood. Yet , no matter what generation,when we get frustrated, upset, and angry we need to take a second, sit back, and reflect on whats going on, analyze it.

But there also has to be an understanding on the other end. Remember that with anger blunt sentiments will be expressed and should be taken with a grain of salt.A devil's advocate persay. If you know me well enough then you know I have a hot temper.Luckily only a handful has seen this side of me and they've only witnessed maybe an ounce of my wrath. My parents unfortunately get the blunt of this, catching all the hurtful things my mind can produce as quickly as my mouth can spurt 'em. Whenever a problem would come up in the frat I'd bring up this concept. Ranting is raw emotion and many times what comes out shouldnt be taken personally. We all need to rant, if you feel a volcano building within you there's no way it wont explode. Yet..heed ranter ( hehe....*hint hint* to those who MAY have caught on to that pun) becareful who you trust with your rant for you only have one true advocate and friend to rant to, yourself.

Now think about this one. What have you had to learn on your own? Did it feel worthwhile once this epiphany was reached? We learn about ourselves everday, is it ok to change once you've realized you've been doing something so wrong for so long?

Baby steps....

Earlier I wrote an entire blog concerning my day and my new philosophy on life...unfortunately the computer at la facultad decided to dislike that blog...therefore making me write a new one.

I am currently at La Biblioteca Nacional. I decided today to explore my surroundings and what better place to start for a quiet girl than a library, right? I also decided that perhaps since my mind is starting to think minimally in castillano/spanish/chileno ( whatever you decided to categorize it) perhaps I should start writing whichever language pops into my head.

With that being said, today was a start. The best way I can explain this is to quote my cousin..El Pasado es Pasado....The past is past. Nifty saying eh? I woke up this morning in a rather odd mood but then decided I`d do things differently. Drank my two glasses of water, got dressed while jamming out to some Kate Nash, Taoi Cruz, and gLee( no judging zone) and went on my merry way to school. ( This is that part in the movie,perhaps 500 days of summer style, where I`m walking down the streets and there are cartoon creatures everywhere whistling). While in the metro I looked at my reflection.It`s interesting when you really soak in how much you`ve changed. Instead of staring at an 18 yr old wearing flared jeans, medium sized bands tees, flip flops and gaining 5 pounds per week via Shafer breakfast, I was staring at someone else. Skinnies ( which by the way ,to gloat/be vain a little ,were originally bought a size smaller...yet now fit rather comfortable..hehe ) my winter coat, a tucked in scarf, chucks, and this different person looking at me. I`m starting to notice my glare has changed.....

After taking my long trek to school( micro, 2 metro lines , and a 6 cuadras walk) I waited for the elevator where I came across a compañera of mine, Alyson. We talked about different things, her intrigued by me actually wanting to move here, I interested that she had grown up in Santiago, and as we discussed exactly what we planned to do with our licenturas after we graduated we walked..with confusion..into an empty classroom...it was 10:13...two minutes til class started. We later found out that Coro auditions were taking place but still....as the class went on people strolled in..this isnt a uncommon thing.It made me think...why were we all ok with it? If you were to watch the streets of Santiago you`d notice that everyone merely runs, not walk. Yet time isn`t an issue...they rush to be late. But the difference is...the time that they spend in a location is valued. We can show up to class at different times but no one is ever really paying attention to what time it is. As american we`re constantly rushing to be somewhere on time only to sit there impatiently waiting to leave so we can rush to get somewhere else. Entonces, do they value the product and Americans merely the process?Or maybe this is just some way my mind is maturing...appreciating what I'm taking in instead of wanting to get things over with.

I thought about this while sitting en la biblioteca en la 4 piso de la facultad where I had adventured to since I JUST discovered its existence while talking to another compañero of mine, Juan, via facebook. It was interesting, I had my typical moment of panic as I walked into a room of people wondering " wait... who's this ?" ( Imagine the PAC lobby....CASE and POINT), yet not as terrified as when I first walked into Cabell. Then again, this library was more like the size of one of the keyboard rooms with a handful of computers and study group tables. This adventure gave me la gana to explore some more. After almuerzo con Patricio, he led me in the direction of La Biblioteca Nacional. Talk about a BEAUTIFUL building. My next plan during exploration? Bring a camera!

It really is interesting to just walk around and soak in the energy around you. Another misconception about quiet kids. We're not all hermits. Though it might take a couple battles in my head to walk into an unknown building , like the Biblioteca Nacional, I love to walk around and observe my surroundings outdoors. I'm lucky that La Facultad is in el Centro, so I get to just explore. I still have a lot more land to discover, hopefully after buying some batteries I can put some pictures along with these posts.

song suggestions for today

Angsty/hating the world ( for mature ears only): Kate Nash's Mansion Song, La Roux' Bulletproof

Fun- Ingrid Michaelson's Be Ok, Ke$ha's Take it Off, Mika's Grace Kelly

...I'll just read a book instead.....

Everyone has that artist that they connect with. Some a little more than others... but whether it be punk,r&b,indie, jazz, classical....a novelist,poet,artist....there is someone we enjoy going back to when we need a little pick me up or inner strengthening.

My relationship with kate nash started in Spring of 08 when I stumbled upon " nicest things". Last summer , after ripping the "Made of Bricks" album from Marta, I began to REALLY use her as a reminder that I wasn't ( as cliche as that is) "the only one". And now after listening to her lastest album I've starting to realize that she fits my story line/lifestyle perfectly.

Mariella

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sIDKWskyAY&feature=related

...Me...past and present :-) I feel as if it's my version of "Girl Anachronism" by the Dresden Dolls..The Mariella description is what gets to me.When I first heard this song I couldn't believe that I was listening to the thoughts of 7 year old me. Many people have this misconception that quiet kids are sweet and conforming. I love how this shows that its not always that. Deep down some of us are born to rebel. At young age we dont like what we see and want to prove a point by not being like "the other girls." But then , as we get older we get tired of just keeping our thoughts in...thus becoming obsessively opinionated. We have this desire to be understood for our actions...but then we realize that we've gone overboard...and wants to be the little girl that doesnt speak.....

We get on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7q4qj_M07w&feature=related

Nicest Thing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQHJuSZTjkE&feature=related

Pumpkin Soup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VH2yvdGM7YA&feature=related

Do Wah Do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqV-embx_tA

Kiss That Girl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erW-scsd7Fk&feature=channel

Merry Happy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Zdi2IF5ezw&feature=related

Skeleton Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uWnkJof6Z0&feature=related

Mouthwash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW6EP3-Q-DA&feature=related

And, this, is my brain

It's torturous analytical thoughts

Make me go insane

I know I ask questions at the end of each post but it's because I'm a rather curious person. They can be taken rhetorically or you can share....But what artist can you relate with the most?

When silence falls you'll be the song within my heart...

This topic has been lingering around for several weeks now. After reading Candace's recent post and talking to her about her experience I realized that it was time for me to show in writing to " the world" yet again a part of me not many people know. I don't know why, but I'll always be this person with several hidden doors and here I go opening one to show to you what's behind it. Once again, I'm trying this whole confidence thing because I know the issue of Christianity/religion several people very close to me don't accept, and they have that right :-)

About two weeks ago I had a rather deep conversation concerning worship and faith. I know how it is to feel as if you've strayed, it's a part of life. We're taught, what I feel is a misconception, since we're little that to be a Christian you MUST go to church. I learned at a young age that just because you dont go to church doesnt mean God just walks away.Now, to be honest, he may disappear for a while and supervise what's going on, but that's how we learn. He gave us free will, therefore why wouldnt we be able to use it, correct? Well, I'm not going to go into why I think this, but I will tell you my form of worship and keeping faith.

Everyone's given a gift, a purpose, and it's up to us to figure out what that is. It can be as minimal as changing one life. I DON'T mean conversion, I don't believe ANYONE should feel forced into adapting your belief. Religion was put on this earth by either man or a greater force ( depending on your ideals) to give us hope and security when you cant find answers. I just so choose to be Christian and in a way I always felt I was suppose to help people whether through giving them courage or just simply listening. I feel everyone deserves to be listened to in troubling times, even those who have hurt me. People can always surprise you.

Another trait I use for worship is ultimately what helps me keep my faith and that will always be singing. Music no doubt plays an important part in my life but through me singing solos. "Over the Rainbow" will forever be my being, the song that's wrapped around my heart and will get me through any possible time in my life. I'll always be that little girl desperately wanting to find the other side of the rainbow , wanting something better ....KNOWING there is something better. But a lot has changed since I was 9 and the songs I sing have become more and more important to me as a person .I began using my solos as a way to sing my prayers and/or thanks. I guess what the songs are meant for, but I began really searching for songs that meant something to me.

Only Hope was the first to start this trend. It made me realize that despite my dreams crumbling around me , them feeling so far out of reach,that they were still there. I sang this May of 2007, days just after being kicked out of the music department. I remember the night before standing in the kitchen rehearsing in front of my mother and almost not being able to finish the song. " When it feels like my dreams are so far sing to me the plans you have for me in your hand." There are times that we will experience where giving up is the best option because its the easiest. This song gave me the strength I needed at that moment to know that one day I'd prevail. I'm currently attempting this, but have made my own leaps. What makes this memory even stronger was that this was the last time my grandfather ever heard me sing One day I will have the guts to write a blog about him, but it was a very hard recovery after his death and singing at church was one of the things that pushed me through.Since "Only Hope" I have sang " Your Love" by matt black, "I'll Fly Away", and most recently " In better hands" by Natalie Grant ( which proved to be a song finding me and later being my backbone.)

Unfortunately the song that explains my overall feeling about my connection with music and faith I'll most likely never be able to sing because it doesn't fit my voice. Just go listen to " I've had questions" by Dave Hunt. If you cant find it, look up " When the Tears fall" its the same song, I just like Dave Hunt's take on it, but honestly the lyrics speak for itself.

I've had questions, without answers I've known sorrow, i have known pain but theres one thing, that i'll cling to you are faithful, Jesus your true when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart in the lone hour, of my sorrow through the darkest night of my soul you surround me, and sustain me my defender, forever more when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart I will praise you, i will praise you when the tears fall, still i will sing to you i will praise you, Jesus praise you Through the suffereing still i will sing when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart I've had questions, without answers I've known sorrow, i have known pain but theres one thing, that i'll cling to you are faithful, Jesus your true when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

It doesn't HAVE to be in reference to Christianity. Take the concept, not just the lyrics and you'll see what I mean. What is that one thing you turn to in times of pain? We should never fully rely on people because it is our human nature to screw things up. We can never fully be trusted, none of us, including myself. I know I have qualities that aren't desirable, no one would should ever deny that of themselves. But really think about what you turn to when you can't find the answers yet you're questioning so many things. It's a self discovering concept, a challenge I give you :-)

( my current playlist : In Better Hands, I've had Questions, Everything by Lifehouse, As the Deer by Any Given Day, and Over the Rainbow)

Needing a day to just be 20 again

Everyday I wake up....make my bed, eat breakfast, workout for about 2 hours , shower, clean the house, eat lunch,randomness til about 4 when I practice and If I have any homework I let that take over around 7...

But today I rebel. Not even going to make my bed, which if you know me that's a HUGE part of my day...if my bed's not made, I dont feel complete. I think I'm ok with that for today. I'm fine with not working out seeing that I haven't really been able to eat for the past several days therefore not many calories to burn in the first place, haha....I've studied my solfege enough this week and I'll probably still practice ,but other than that?...something is calling my name.

Patricio, one of the guys I live with, wrote me on facebook several minutes ago where he then proceeded to inform that they had left something connected...THE Wiiiiii.

Some things just trigger happiness. Lately it's been working out. For the past several weeks I've had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach so I'd workout just to release whatever negative energy was plaguing me. At the moment I just need a happy memory from before things began changing.

What I mean by that is that at one point I let High School into my life. I was always blessed with zero drama in high school and no manipulation, this changed when I began allowing those with that high school mentality ( the EXTREME need for attention, the need to continuously play the victim in drama, the need to never grow up..because one can have some of these traits,but there's a limit) to enter my life,which I would say started around Junior year. A lot of us allowed these people into our lives, and unfortunately you could see the slow change amongst our group of friends due to this.

I'm not saying Spring semester Sophomore year was peachy, I will always call that my semester of hell but it wasn't for social reasons really, mostly academic. Spring semester of that year was when Jason and Kristie lived about 20 seconds from the PAC and we'd spend endless hours playing Wii sports and that monkey game Krystle obsessed over ( which I'll have to admit was rather amusing.)It was during this time Krystle, Kristie and I would sit on the stoop for about an hour debating on where to go eat, many times eventually deciding to go nowhere...unless Stephanie was around where she would then get fed up with us and just make a decision, which then meant we'd argue as to who would drive,haha. That was the most drama outside of your typical frat talk.

This was the semester that homecoming started right after the future Kappa Class' rush dinner on Friday (where Karnbach tried to make the entire group uncomfortable...including Todd's father) and lasted til perhaps 7 am of that following Sunday morning. My favorite homecoming to date. The Wii played a big part, of course. Jason and Kristie's was full of random groups of people walking in and out, including Lil John strolling in with his beverage of choice in hand , stealing a wii mote, and somehow DOMINATING whatever game we were playing. This feeling of just chilling with a group of people you enjoyed being around , telling stories and listening to them,wondering how in the world Lil John just beat us all, will always be calm and relaxing memory for me.

One of my first memories with the Wii occured just a week before, when Todd Worsham entered our lives. Rush week of Spring o7...what are you to do when just one person shows up? Drag him to Kristie's and play Wii. Talk about a funny sight. I was talking to Todd earlier today and mentioned the fact I'd be playing some Wii Golf, his initial reaction? " Hiiiiii-yah!"

There was about three years where I allowed drama into my life, trusted several people with characteristics I saw not admirable yet decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.I can finally say, whether they know it or not, I'm rid of these people . It's a nice feeling, and bringing up memories like these remind me why I appreciate the people still in my life. It's nice to associate so many things with memories, it can be a huge burden at times, but for every bad memory I have at least 3 good memories that I adore :-)

What are some random memories of yours ?

A little bit of humor

.....The fact that these blogs are foreshadows of what is discussed/occuring that day....

Intrigues me.

I dont feel like I should elaborate such things, but I do ask...

If this trend continues.. what should I write about next? hhmm

Lean on me, when you're not strong And I'll be your friend I'll help you carry on...

Every time I hear this song I cry. If you've ever been part of Jamestown 4H you would know exactly how much that song means to me. That feeling you get at closing campfire...when staff comes together after initiating all the new campers into order of the Clover, link arms, and just sing. This memory hurts me most now because I know I wont feel that again.

Jamestown was my home.After spending about 12 years there it was the one place I could be Kristol, and I didn't fully realize that until today. It's someone that I don't know how to bring out outside of that atmosphere but I treasure the friends and experiences that she has made. My first summer as staff was a huge obstacle, but O.C and I made it worthwhile by reminding eachother why we were there, the kids. We began singing the "linger" song every Thursday night at campfire in hopes that the message of family and friendships would be transfered to the kids.

Mmm, I wanna linger

Mmm, a little longer

Mmm, a little longer here with you

Mmm, it’s such a lovely night

Mmm, it doesn't seem quite right

Mmm, that this should be my last with you

Mmm, and come September

Mmm, I will remember

Mmm, our camping days and friendships true

Mmm, and as the years go by

Mmm, I'll think of you and sigh

Mmm, This is good night and not good bye

The friendships you build at camp are different than any other. You are forced to be put into this pile of diverse people as a child and somehow, you find some of the best friends out of it. When I was in high school and felt as if I had no one to talk to I had Heather and Mia.Those angsty years when I felt everything was WWIII all I needed was to turn on AIM. Mia and I had those interesting camp memories that all teens should experience ( with the exception of a Lodge 5 haunting, of course :-X hahaha) . She's heard it all from me, we know how it is to be viewed a certain way and not know how to escape it.........Friends are the ducktape to a broken heart. (yyyeeess... We came up with that alllll by ourselves several years ago )

But what about once you become staff? Being a 4H staff member is honestly a blessing,a privilege. You gain SO much from just one summer, and to be honored for 3 years, such a remarkable feeling. You live a life of no judgement other than to prove to the kids that its ok to be comfortable to be yourself. At the beginning of last summer's state staff several people confronted me wondering if I was ok, which made me REALLY realize how different Broadway is to Kristol, so I simply stated I wasn't in Broadway mode yet. As pictures start popping up about this summer it's is starting to really tear at me. I wont be coming back therefore never coming in contact with Broadway again. I'll never get the chance to be that jai-ho dancing, 80's song singing,TONY winning role model again, but I at least made some long lasting companions out of it.

You live with these people for an entire summer of insanity but its those days after camp that make you realize how much they mean to you. During a rough freshmen year O.C would kidnap me and we'd go caribou hunting at short pump. As we grew up this led to to sophisticated brunching in the Bottom to eventually bagel nomming at Panera with the mammas :-) . We went from knowing we were what every guy was missing out on, heartache, and after reaching our lows now knowing that we can only live with hope as we both start our new chapters in our lives on a clean slate.Filling in her shoes as a roommate was a very tough spot because we were clandestined twins...but..ah, yes, Marta became the sensible voice I needed. Who else would rescue legendary room 4 from a gigantic BUG OF TERROR than WuNBA? Haha or how about our love for hellogoodbye and kate nash? We're the international duo. We can cover good little blip of the World Cup :-) but our friendship wouldnt be complete if it wasnt for our baby Derby. Talk about a person who can make me laugh when I'm down to my wits end. We can stay up ALL NIGHT LONG...though if you ask us..we probably wouldn't recommend it. haha. And then...there was...Goose.I will miss us seducing one another in the PAC...a VCU theater and Music kid?!? GASP!?!? There are so many times she makes me proud and just surprises me with what she can accomplish.

Well I guess that's enough for confessing my love for my 4Hers, but to sum it up, 4H is one of the reasons I'm doing this now. Jimmy James gave me 12 yrs ( unfortunately wished it could've been 14, but those summer taught me things as well) to build the strength I need now. I have that backbone and know that no matter what, as Goose tells it to the campers so well,we'll always be a family.