Paz....and a cup of coffee...

Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as living in Peace. At least in my life, I'm going to assume in many others as well. I haven't written anything profound in a while because I have been in "peace". My definitions of this being that I haven't had any drama in life getting my brain going, or anything very interesting. When I began writing this blog there was a lot of turmoil in my life, luckily I got rid of the factors in some sense...made some bad decisions for a while, though it was entertaining..and now am at some standstill..waiting for something to happen.In these moments I let my mind wander off, either into amusing daydreaming or reopening past wounds. I'm pretty sure this all depends on the day, whether it's sunny or gloomy.Today was awful, dark, frigid...and so I turn to old wounds.

I'm not going to turn this into some xanga post about how "I'm drowning" ( haha...I used to love being melodramatic...) but more along the lines ( maybe...because I'm actually just writing to write,) of if we really want peace in our lives, are we capable of it? I don't have drama. I'm luckily out of Richmond..because whether I love it or not...it's a cest pool for backstabbing, gossip, and judgement.But would Santiago be the same if I had gotten here at 18? Entering a new world at a different stage in life has its benefits. I don't have this longing to be accepted, I don't feel the need to make friends, yet am glad I have been making them, but I no longer feel the need to search. With this I'm worrying more about myself. I've somehow lost 24 pounds, am exercising( which always bring my attitude up several notches), and am actually developing aural music skills..I've semi amazed myself with the small steps I've made...concepts I couldn't grasp the first go 'round. But then why have these moments? If I can see the crescendo in my life why keep remembering meaningless feelings, or better yet, start the process all over?

Why do I fall so easily into old habit that I know don't work for me? Why lose all skill to speak when nervous? Why not grow some balls and be the 23 year old I should be.....these issues piled on top of old regrets and feelings , cause an immense frustration. Selfish and immature anguish, as if I'm still 18 and screaming because I WANT to be the one asked out on a date. My frustrations aren't completely about the fact I want a real date( boyfriend, straight male "friend"..so on, haha ) it's more about me STILL not having one. I have friends getting married, there are girls I've graduated with that have a full out family, and I'm still stuck waiting around for some kid to ask me out for coffee? You can blame it all you want on my flaws...but....that still doesn't explain things. I've seen people with the same flaws as my self walking down the street holding hands with someone else...so you can't say it's because of my insecurity, or my looks, or my lack of personality....because there's suppose to be someone for everyone, right?

Not really sure what I'm getting at here, more of a rant than blog. But it just makes me wonder. When everything is aligned, something always stands in the way of peace. Is there such a thing of having it all? Or must we choose? If that's the case then I guess I've chosen my education over love...but does this mean I'll end up a spinster? Just some things running through my mind on a cloudy day...it's suppose to rain tomorrow...oh joy...

L-O-V-E

Everyone has their own opinion and it all depends on how they've lived life. Myself? Not a big fan of the idea. I believe that there is Love amongst family and friends...but that "love" that the world keeps trying to force down our throats that involves spending the rest of your life with someone else? How in world are we suppose to believe that?This rant comes from my mother constantly saying my "prince" will come along?I HATE THAT SAYING. What exactly is a Prince? A man who is born into power and will most likely abuse it, feeling as if he is superior to all? Yet again something else Disney decided to change the definition ( Just like...cliffs in Virginia??? Jamestown/Gloucester....REALLY Pocahontas??) I'm suppose to believe that the perfect man, Prince, is out there. Have YOU ever met the perfect person?

I was actually thinking along that concept the other day, perfection. Every time I'm attracted to someone I always say " He's perfect BUT...". There's always some kind of exception, and I'm completely ok with this. I'm fine with him being Perfect but too young,too short, too shy, too whatever. I'm nowhere near perfect, I could make a list of all my faults and not know where to stop. I'm human.

Therefore, if we're all human ( or so I would hope...), wouldn't it make sense that spending the rest of our lives happily married to someone is ultimately impossible? How long have you been friends with your best friend, would you even think about living with them for more than several years? Your best friend is the one person you should be able to do this with...but I'm pretty none of us would be up for the challenge. So how are we expected to live with someone AND share our life with them for the rest of our lives? I know this will change...I do plan on getting married EVENTUALLY if the opportunity arises... but it's still a very depressing concept. Spending your entire life with just one person, any individual socialness being drained from you. Having a family is different, as in, that's the part I actually look forward to...having a child, taking care of it, hoping they live a fulfilled life...but the husband aspect? Not anytime soon..thanks

Thus is why the idea of my Prince coming along legit pisses me off. I don't want my prince. I don't want my "true love" just yet in life. I want a friend, a best friend. That person who'll watch a movie with me and cuddle on the couch yet at the same time I can make fun of him for being a complete idiot. Or that person I can hang out with after class with no motive, just know we like one another's company.Or better yet, someone to just talk to about my day, no matter how lame it may have been. I mean there are obviously other benefits, but I rather simply date right now, have a best friend instead of a matrimonial prospect, a lifetime partner . I just really hate it when people automatically answer with "one day he'll come along, the man I love" when it concerns the longing for companionship. Though I do really like that song...my guilty pleasure hopeless romantic( yes, contradiction, surprise!)

Being a hopeless romantic is different than a schmuck. I'm in love with the hope of being in love...a denial. Yet I accept this denial and enjoy fantasizing that there is someone for us all...but realistically? We just need companionship.

If anyone dares or wants to answer...What are your views on the whole love image. Is it for schmucks? or the wise? Are you looking for your "soulmate" or just a little more than a friend? ( not friends with benefits...complete different story, haha ). I'm interested to see how people further explain my ideals or discuss the contradiction :-)

the Beauty of Art

Motivation. I'm the kind of person that will have these moments of doubts, laziness, boredom. and just when these moments occur I luckily am encountered with some form of motivation. Yesterday was a day filled of performances. After class I went to watch the Youth Orchestra perform, I was left in complete amazement. From the first note I was stunned, their entrance was so smooth, unnoticed, the rest of the performance was just as spectacular. I was jealous of the horn section, seeing some of my classmates perform wagner and beethoven with such ease. Haha, but then to the Ballet! This year marks the 200th anniversary of Chile ( I believe.) So there's a lot of hooplah surrounding it, the Gala being one of the events. My favorite performances? Giselle which starred THE Julie Kent( yea...I was in amazement when I read the program and saw that she was the guest performer..I almost died.) and then Bolero.To be honest, a confession to my ignorance, had no idea it was a ballet/ performance. It was breathtaking. The best way I can describe it. First of all the Orchestra was amazing, it was cool hearing my professor play. But the dancers?? WOW. I'm hoping it gets posted somewhere so I can..post it. ( yes , I know, my vocabulary is decreasing...saddens me so.)

With two beautiful performances I felt that slight prick of motivation. It's always a nice feeling, the feeling in your gut letting you know that you've made the right decision? It doesn't have to be as big as changing your lifestyle like I have, it can relate to anything in life.It can be as small as studying with a friend for a test or helping a family member cook, just a little ounce of comfort that settles in. Eventually i guess that comfort grows, and I'm assuming it's a nice feeling when you've realized everything that has happened and all of you decisions have finally decided together. A part of me thinks that i'm finally on that path, after all these years, I'm starting to feel some comfort with my life.

....she wishes her life was more like a movie...

Life is like a movie, at least that's how I've always viewed it. The only difference? You rarely get the cheesy happy ending, but is this really a bad thing? I grew up in an old one screen- twenties style- movie theater watching plot after plot on the HUGE screen in front of me.I've grown to love movies, enveloping myself into a good story, but where do you think the writers got these stories? Most likely you relate to a character that reminds you of yourself, or love a movie because you've had some part of the storyline occur in your own life...or in my case...had a feeling it would occur. The current one I'm in at the moment is interesting and we'll see where it goes, but it made me laugh the other day when I started thinking about the current story and realized that it really was some story plot...except I'm hoping ( and am pretty sure) no one will end up dead at the end of this one.Haha. I just find it interesting to compare life to a movie. So many people complain about life being uninteresting, boring, but in all actuality every day can be turned into something entertaining if you let it.

Take a pretty, sunny day in Santiago. Walk around with your classmates running a random errand. Walk to the metro with friends....and you've got yourself a nice scene in a never ending movie.

The way I see it, life has different chapters. Every chapter has an ending...but if they were all happy there would be no point, correct? Therefore enjoy the delightful scenes, scandalous adventures, and soak in the disappointment just so in the end when Happiness appears in a bubble you can take it for what its worth.

What are some of your fav life scenes....miniseries?

With that in mind...I shall leave you with a lovely video by midtown ( mmm gabe saporta....)