Hair Dye

I dyed my hair again.

Last year I made the decision to let it grow. Let that dark brown hair I loathed so much as a child flourish and finall accept who I am.

To put away that 15 year girl that desperately wanted to fit in so she began to make herself...ruibio....and later to straighten it just to blend in more. To be accepted. To be wanted.

But it never worked.

But niether has this pathetic attempt to accept who I am.

How will I ever accept this timid pudgy thing if no one else will? How will I battle these insecurities when the moment I'm finally coming out for air I'm smashed back into my hole.

My hole where I just watch everything I wanted and desired be taken away like so many times before.

Just when I thought I'd be saved.

Saved from these aweful thoughts screaming that I'm not good enough , that I'm destined to be alone and forced to replace all my pain with a smile...just so everyone will think I'm strong and okay.

I keep going. Like Always. I know how to try to push these thoughts into the back of my head, but when I see you....it rushes all back...reminding me that I wasnt good enough...and for some reason...out of nowhere...you didnt need me in your life.

But now you're integrated. Unlike before...I allowed you so far into my life, that you're everywhere. And destiny has this cruel way of bringing you into my path everyday, even when I'm trying to avoid your beautiful smile and captivating stare.

I want to be free of you but instead I'm tortured.

I've started over so many times that I dont want to now. I dont want to change the people I'm with or the things I love just to heal my mind for a second and have a moment of peace without you.

I'm gonna have to deal with this . Watching as you slowly kill me from the inside.

So I dyed my hair. I've become the recluse again. And I'm gone.

The Kristol that tried so hard to find herself and be happy.
The Kristol that was finally finding her social identity, living the way she knew she deserved.
The Kristol That for once wasnt afraid..

was kidnapped and stuffed inside of a crystal ball .

No good deed goes unpunished screams Elphaba...

and she was right.

Only the Wicked get the happy ending in my story.